Republican Gov. Rick Scott expressed concern today that tourist will start avoiding his state to avoid being sucked into a gaping hole. Because he failed to be explicit about which gaping hole he was concerned with, it is unsure if it is the sink holes popping up or the one in which he consistently stores his foot.

It’s not every day that a U.S. Congressman wants to talk to a reporter about his addiction. In keeping with his request for anonymity, however, I have deleted any references that might reveal his identity, and therefore refer to him in this report with a fictitious name, Congressman Boner.

RIGHT: The Koch Brothers peddle political addiction. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

Mitt Romney has reportedly been admitted to Massachusetts General Hospital with what is being described as a severe case of political addiction.

Sources close to the Republican presidential nominee say that his defeat in this year’s election revealed the previously unsuspected ailment. Doctor Phillip Morris of Mass General’s crack psychiatric unit assessed Mr. Romney and made the initial diagnosis. Read the full story

GlossyNews.com – The republican vote in the state of Pennsylvania has been completed and tallied. All 5 votes were reportedly allocated to two-time presidential hopeful and failed former Governor Willard Mitt Romney.

The democratic observer at the polling place has filed an official complaint over voter intimidation for the count, which drove up the number of Republican votes, which is expected to delay the results from becoming official. Read the full story

GlossyNews.com – The Microsoft Paperclip has declared that he is a Republican and has come to the aid of Mitt Romney with an 11th hour endorsement of the pro-corporate candidate.

The Paperclip is largely known for his letter writing interventions, but since declaring he is backing Romney for President, he has developed a special campaigning wizard feature, which is sure to be as appreciated as all of his other timely interjections. Read the full story

GlossyNews.com – Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today called a press conference to announce that he would accept the position of U.S. President, which he hoped would end the acrimony and divisiveness of the Romney-Obama rivalry for the office. Following is a transcript:

RIGHT: Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu declares his candidacy for U.S. President. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

WASHINGTON DC- Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney sort of apologized to the president this week after the crushing debate performance he delivered, though it remains unclear as to whether Governor Romney actually knows what an apology is.

Although the political arena doesn’t mandate such an apology, Romney’s religious upbringing got the better of him as he humbly “apologized” for the thorough lashing he gave the president.

“Mitt has had a lot of practice with apologizing and knowing what an apology actuallt is, recently,” explained Matt Rhodes, senior Romney advisor.

“Not only did he deliver an excellent apology after politicizing the death of Ambassador Chris Stevens, and he really nailed it when he had to explain himself over the 47% thing the day after the debate. It was totally an underhanded apology that almost slipped by. Mitt’s been getting so good at it, he apologized to his wife after accidentally bringing her a caffeinated soda at a fund raising picnic, where he mingled with regular common people. It was a touching moment among many.”

Political analysts are wondering if Romney can keep up with his fast paced rate of apologizing. Some of his more notable apologies have reportedly been behind closed doors, especially after the debate.

He has been practicing apologizing to his base constituency for faltering on his platform so many times.

Romney appeared on Univision, a Spanish Language Channel, where he apologized to Hispanics for the tough talk on immigration during the primaries, but vowed to apologize more to them in his coming years as president.

Romney has also been seen apologizing to unemployed Americans, stating he was “sorry for the whole off-shore thing,” and that if he got their vote, he would “so get their jobs back for them.”

When asked about the apology, President Barack Obama commented, “It was nice and heart felt. Uh… He knew I was tired and had been keeping late nights… what with keeping the world from falling apart, and… cleaning up a rather… big mess left by… uh, Republicans.”

Paul Ryan has not been in favor of the recent streak of apologies, stating that “it shows weakness.”

“Ayn Rand would be spinning in her atheist grave right now listening to Romney bowing to people, many of whom don’t even pay taxes for the entitlements they feel they deserve.”

He also added, “did that come off as racist? Is that my first political gaff? I need to go do some P90x and sort all of this out, but you know what I mean about those people [who do not pay taxes].”

Senior White House advisor David Plouffe remarked on how happy he was to see Romney take a more humble approach. Plouffe went on to say, “As much as he’s apologizing for the lies, pandering, political polarizing, and suckering poor people in to a program that would marginalize their meager incomes, I don’t think I’ve heard him apologize to Jim Lerher or Big Bird for threatening to fire them.”

Mitt Romney will be in the swing state of Arkansas tomorrow speaking at a $5 a plate fundraiser held for the state’s wealthiest job creators.

BILOXI – People were shocked when a strange light was seen in the sky yesterday. Many wondered if it was a meteor. However, the light that fell to earth was none other than Jesus Christ himself.

The Christian leader landed in Biloxi, Mississippi at approximately 3:16 p.m. local time. Area residents first met Jesus with shotguns because they initially mistook him for a “hippie liberal immigrant” that was going to “rob them or talk about Obama.” Jesus quickly performed several miracles in order to prove his identity including curing an area woman’s cancer and giving eyesight to a blind preacher. Read the full story

WASHINGTON D.C. – Throughout a rousing rally on Capitol Hill Tuesday, hundreds of Tea Party demonstrators – voicing their disapproval of Barack Obama’s presidency – championed the idea of lowering taxes and downsizing the nation’s vocabulary.

Speaking over a bullhorn, Tea Party stalwart Terry Higgins gave a damning criticism of what he perceived as the Obama administration’s attempt to expand the size of the national lexicon, with repeated use of words like “vitriolic,” “insatiable,” and “rationale.” Read the full story

In an unprecedented move, President Obama and all democratic candidates have conceded the election to their respective opponents. Democratic Party Chairman Debbie Wasserman Schultz announced the collective concession this morning. Initially believed to be an elaborate early Halloween prank, it was quickly determined by mid-morning that all democratic candidates had indeed thrown in the towel. Read the full story

WASHINGTON D.C.- Political insiders have confirmed that not only is republican candidate, Mitt Romney, debating president Obama on Wednesday, but he is still running for president.

Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan met a group of supporters for a fund raiser, announcing that they will still be in the running for the white house all the way up until November 6th.

“People can’t count us out until the election is over,” explains Matt Rhodes, campaign advisor to Mitt Romney.

“I know the country wouldn’t quite pick that up over the past couple of weeks, but we have been hard at work over in the Romney camp trying to adequately prepare a game plan to let America know that we are here until election day.” Read the full story

It may have been my old AMC Rambler¹ but it was the chance of a lifetime when Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney gave me an exclusive press pass to last weekend’s Republican National Committee strategy session. Here is how it went. Read the full story

In the aftermath of the 47% controversy, Republican Presidential Nominee Mitt Romney was besieged with requests for clarification. However, this journalist was able to reach him in the shower and force him to answer questions before giving him his towel, which resulted in a surprising revelation. Read the full story

Dayton, OH – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today announced a controversial plan to place term limits on facts.

During a campaign stop in Ohio, Romney was overheard telling a Koch brother that if elected he will immediately propose placing a two week term limit on all facts due to their “terroristic nature” and “un-American qualities.” Read the full story

In a historic and unprecedented move, the Democratic Party asked the delegates at its 2012 national convention in Charlotte, North Carolina to use democratic procedures to approve a platform amendment.

At the last minute, however, they avoided the whim of popular will by creatively interpreting an evenly divided voice vote as a two-thirds majority approval.

At stake were two issues combined in one amendment: the inclusion of a reference to God in the plank on religion and a declaration that Jerusalem is the capital of Israel[1]. Read the full story

Tampa, Florida – Wrapping up their convention, the GOP unveils their augmented strategy to win against the Democrats in November.

The old tactic of blaming things on President Obama seemed to have worked out in the Republican Party’s favor, but the message wasn’t reaching target demographics in key swing states.

The newly revised list of things to blame on President Obama is an effort to win over those particular voters.

RIGHT: Mitt Ryan and Paul Romney may indeed be on a sinking ship, if recent state-by-state polling is any indicator. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Guest speakers each delivered something different to blame on President Obama, aimed at certain constituencies lacking in the GOP political base. Lacking considerable support with women and ethnic minorities, the Republican party garnered more attention from these groups once they began with the scathing criticisms of the Obama administration.

Speaker of the House, John Boehner (OH), started off the final night of the convention with his signature fiery rhetoric, and then asserted that “Obama is the reason why public restrooms are always out of paper towels.”

Former Governor of Florida, Jeb Bush, explained the need for more fiscal responsibility and accountability in government. He also blamed President Obama for “that weird feeling you get when your arm falls asleep.”

Romney-Ryan campaign chairman Bob White delivered scathing criticism of the President to an excited crowd, exclaiming, “Obama’s harsh EPA regulations are to blame for the severe drought devastating America’s heartland. Obama is the reason why abusive husbands come home and take their frustrations out on loved ones. Our so called president can’t even protect us from asteroids on a collision course with planet Earth that he, himself, attracted here in the first place. Do we want four more years of Obama aborting all the fetuses from all the pregnant women of this nation? My answer is no!”

Senator Marco Rubio of Florida attacked President Obama’s immigration policy. He proclaimed “Obama doesn’t care for the Latin people. He only wants untraceable labor to construct his secret lair on an uncharted island shaped like a skull-spider.” He went on to add, “I heard he actually built a boat out of immigrants swimming the gulf. He toured the entire east coast before eating the whole boat in one sitting. That doesn’t sound like a President who respects the Hispanic population.”

Mitt Romney closed out the evening with his acceptance speech and quite possibly the most shocking accusations of the evening. In thirty-eight minutes, Romney managed to blame an impressive amount of things on the President. Among the more noteworthy accusations were “dental cavities,” “mutation of gonorrhea,” both the “French and Spanish Inquisition,” “the reason why Snape had to die in the end,” “rush hour traffic,” and even implicated him in connection with the death of Heath Ledger.

Republican strategist Steve Schmidt analyzed the new tactic and wrote, “This is the way the GOP can beat Obama in November. The previous claims were too soft. Who cares if he is a closet Muslim, totalitarian-socialist, or foreign national born in Kenya. The Republican Party needed a message with teeth, and I think they found it tonight.”