After last being seen Friday night rubbing up against Gary Rader, Mayor Marian Kiljoy's boobs have come up missing. The boobs are described as flesh colored, sagging, and constantly rubbing against other human bodies. The missing boobs were reported by Kiljoy late Friday night when she gave Police Chief Jim Lesterke the following statement: "I think they fell off."

Kiljoy's employee and local bartender Jennifer Gardner thinks she may know the location of the missing boobs. "I think I swept them up and threw them away. I remember sweeping up a lot of popcorn that night, and I also distinctly remember sweeping up two irregular shaped masses of human flesh. I remember thinking, 'Who in the hell forgot their tits?' Then I put on latex gloves, and threw them away." Garbage men at Reliable Disposal deny picking up a set of missing boobs, but they admit they were quite drunk at the time they picked up the Legion's trash, and wouldn't know a set of boobs from a set of battery jumper cables.

"I'd rather have the battery cables," commented Erich Morris, SAL Commander.

"This is just another example of Jennifer Gardner's failure as a bartender," commented the boobless Kiljoy. "Jennifer should have put my boobs in the Lost and Found. Instead, she threw them away and now I'm deformed."

"She was deformed well before I threw away her boobs," responded Gardner. "Forget her tits, they should be
trying to find her heart. That's been missing ever since I've known her." Sources deny that there is a human heart in
the Legion's Lost and Found.

As a result of Gardner's mistake, Kiljoy has been repeatedly mistaken for a man. Just yesterday Linda Borman made a pass at her. Neither participant would comment on whether or not Kiljoy flirted back. It is further reported that this was not the first time Kiljoy has been mistaken for a man.

"She's got more balls than a pool table," says SAL Adjutant Fred Flayton. "And her mouth is so big you can't miss a shot."

When asked if she's well hung, Legion member Joe Buttock responded, "The only way she'd be well hung is from a noose."

The case of the missing boobs is perplexing local law enforcement. Foul play is suspected, and as Lesterke
reminds us, "There's no guarantee they weren't titnapped. They could have easily been mistaken for a cow's utter."

Now that she's "topless", Kiljoy has put in an application to be a dancer at Sportsman's Bar. However, owner of Sportsman's, Kerry Triel has commented that if he wanted a boobless dancer, he would've already hired Jennifer Gardner.

Kiljoy has several options to recover her bosom. She can get a new set of boobs with reconstructive surgery, or she can stuff her empty bra with toilet paper. But with the prices of toilet paper these days, surgery is the less expensive of the two options. Kiljoy has had experience stuffing Charmin down her bra from high school, but according to our sources, she's considering a boob transplant, a risky procedure that would give her the boobs of an executed felon. Kiljoy has requested the tits of Karla Fay Tucker, who was executed in Texas in 1999. Tucker has donated her body to science, and for the last year her boobs have been on ice.

In the meantime, Kiljoy has been encouraged to look at the bright side. Since the incident, she's lost five pounds, three from the right tit and two from the left.