You need to copy-edit your own material

1. HIT ME! Most writers who are turned down get the comment, "I need this to be punchier, the jokes need to be jumping off the page." Cute don't cut it. Be honest and critical, is your piece really funny? Maybe have a friend read through it first.

2. Your headline should scream "KAZANGA!" Keep headlines short, descriptive, and dear God, make it funny. You won't be punished for writing inadequate headlines. Indeed all the top newspapers have seperate people for just that purpose. Takes a real knack, you know. But better is better, so make it a zinger.

3. Spellcheck, spelchek, speelchack! Horrible typo's, spello's and thinko's should be kept to a minimum.

4. Hit 'em fast. Is there humor in the first (and every) paragraph? It may seem cute when you write it, but if five paragraphs before the punchline will insure no one will ever get that far.

5. No explicit profanity, please. We get caught with those and net-nanny will block us. We'd lose over half our readership since most read at work. We were turned down from Google Ad-Sense, a fairly lucritive advertising source because we were too racey. We'd be profitable today if we had been clean.

6. Trim, trim, trim. The shorter, (typically,) the better. If your article is over six paragraphs long go back and look for stuff to cut. If it isn't setting up or delivering the joke, it's gotta go. Sadly, readers give priority to shorter pieces.

7. Make paragraphs of a reasonable length, if not shorter. Most readers just skim so break them in two if you must. See, this is short and you read it.