Above: God's second in command beckons the powers of the Almighty to punctuate his other-earthly rage.

by Jennifer Gardner

During his recent tour of North America, Pope John Paul II was subject to intense scrutiny at O'Hare International Airport when he set off the metal detectors. His Papal Highness had arrived at the airport via his Popemobile at about one o'clock yesterday, anxious to get out of Canada like so many tourists are. He was planning on visiting US President George W. Bush later this week, to sit slumped in a chair and mumble oppositions to the immoral practice of abortion, and defend
Catholic pedophilia.

According to sources the Pope had only carry on baggage when he attempted to board Flight 69, flying from Chicago to Washington, but as he slowly hobbled through the metal detectors, the problems began. This repeated three times, after Mr. Paul II willingly removed a watch, a belt buckle, and a Prince Albert cock ring.

Despite all this, the metal detector continued to sound. From this point on, the Church's record of events and the official airport report differ. According to airport security, the Pope's behavior was anything but religious. The security agent, Harold Channing, insists the Pope could be heard yelling obscenities at anyone who'd listen. "He said, 'What the hell is all this? Jesus H. Christ!" according to Channing.

"When I frisked him he yelled 'Who the Hell do you think you are?'. At that point he began to get violent, asking 'why the hell' he couldn't board the plane and telling me I'd be damned for eternity for this, and so on. I asked the Pope whether he had any metal in his head that could be setting off the detector, or perhaps a metal hip replacement," attests Channing. "Then he said to me, 'What the hell is this, God damned confession?' It was then I asked him to disrobe."

The Catholic Church's version of events go like this. "Being recognized as the Pope, he was profiled as a suspected terrorist, exercising American anti-Catholic bigotries." The Church resumes the incident. "His Royal Highness was insultingly asked if he was part robot, to which he answered in the negative. Despite the fact that the Pope is confined to telling only the truth in all circumstances, the agent wasn't convinced. He then ordered the Pope to disrobe."

Apparently when God's representative on Earth was exposed, a police dog nearby presumed a certain vital part of his body for a bone and then attacked, ripping from the Pope his manhood and threatening his Popedom, since present Catholic law prohibits anyone without a penis from holding the elevated position. Hiding behind the missing appendage was what was apparently setting off the metal detector. Guards on he scene found two young alter boys hiding in the folds to the Pope's robe, wearing nothing but metal crucifixes around their necks. Mr. Paul II insisted he was merely snuggling the boys back to the Vatican, thereby rescuing them from French Canadian Protestantism. The Pope's Appendage was recovered and sewn back into place with two stitches.

As punishment, the two boys were sent back to Toronto.

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