The local chapter of MA, Masturbators Anonymous will hold their monthly meeting on Tuesday, December 10, instead of the previous Thursday due to a last minute change in tv scheduling.

According to this week's TV Guide, the Playboy Channel's weekend long porno marathon, 10 PM Friday until 10 AM Sunday. "It's an opportunity for our members to have 36 straight hours to get all the semen out of their systems before they go to church on Sunday," said MA leader Peter Johnson.

Local masturbator Leroy Brown agrees. "My priest's sermon is usually so long that I can't help but to jack off when he starts talking about the Virgin Mary. But his weekend, after 36 hours of getting off, it'll be a miracle if I even get a hard on in my pew."

But members of Brown's church disagree with his practive of masturbation and have cast him out socially for his "sinful" behavior.

"No one's perfect," he explains. "God gave everyone a flaw. It just so happens that my flaw is getting a hard on every time I see a nice rack or shapely legs. Hell, I once ejaculated into a milk pail on my uncle's dairy farm. I couldn't help it. That cow's nipples just put me in some kind of mood you wouldn't believe."

Masturbators Anonymous, whose motto is 'Let us help you give yourself a hand," has been around only half a year. Like Alcoholics Anonymous, MA is a twelve step program.

"I know my urge to masturbate was a problem when my grandma gave me a woody," says MA's youngest member, 17 year old Shane Wilson. "I should be getting hard on over halter tops and whipped cream, not knitted sweaters and oatmeal cookies."

"I sold my car," tells Nancy Simpson, one of the few female members, "So I could ride the Subway to work. I liked the closeness and the intimacy with complete strangers. I also liked to straddle those metal poles." According to family members, Nancy justified her behavior with excuses like high gas prices and insurance rates when all she really wanted was to get her rocks off in the underground train.

One does not have to completely give up the art of self love to belong to MA. Unlike AA, the group does not insist you quit choking your chicken cold turkey.

"The key to our program is moderation," Peter Johnson tells Glossy News. "I tell my fellow jerk offs, masturbation is moderation. I used to be up to 17 whacks a day, now I'm down to five. That's progress, people."

Strictly for research purposes, Glossy News sent a reporter to the last MA meeting, and (ahem) according to her, MA welcomed its newest member, Martin, and spent the night giving honest testimonials about how masturbation isn't always a handful of fun.

"Hello," announced the new member, "My name is Martin and I'm a Jerkaholic."

"Hi Martin," the groups rang out in unison.

"This is an embarrassing story I have to tell. I was back home for the holidays and my father had passed away last year, my mother insisted I sleep in his room. They had separate bedrooms ever since she went through the change, you know. I got to looking around and I found my dad's old dentures in a dresser drawer. The next thing I know my dead dad's old fake teeth were riding up and down on the shaft. Then mom walked in."

For others their mastabatory addictions were more severe and dangerous.

"My family started catching on to my problem when I kept asking for an electric toothbrush for Christmas," said Mary Gordon. "I have more toothbrushes than teeth, but can I help it that they come with multi vibrating speeds and massaging capabilities?"

The meeting ended when everyone toweled off their fingers, shook hands and went home.

Discussion of the porno-athon will take place at the next MA meeting, so members are encouraged to have an extra box of tissue handy.