We recognize that not all living people born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be.

Cancer: (June 22-July 22) - Get some sleep for God sake, you look terrible.

Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22) - Consider shortening your 10+ hour per night regiment in favor of cleaning your home or learning several foreign languages. I mean God forbid you should actually make something of your life with your wasting of at least 14 hours a week. You really bug me.

Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) The nightmares that have plagued you for months can be easily avoided. Simply commit yourself to never sleeping again.

Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) - Stop setting your alarm clock for an hour before you have to get up just so you can pretend you’re sleeping in. You aren’t kidding anyone you know, and you’re actually getting less sleep you maroon.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) - If you hadn’t broken up with her she wouldn’t call and wake you up every two hours. Of course, if you hadn’t dated a speed freak you wouldn’t have had to break up with her in the first place.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) - Baggy pants may be facing a comeback but the matching eyelids may not be your thing.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) - For a sweet vacation, consider doping up on cough syrup, alcohol and antihistamines. Nothing more resting than a weekend away from yourself. Consider also a catheter and a colostomy bag.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) - You will consider using jetlag as an excuse based on your commute to work. Explain you sleep better on Greenwich meantime. They are going to fire you Thursday regardless, go out with a bang.

Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20) - If you feel your sleep is not restful, take fertility drugs. Nothing quite like a litter of premies waking you up on the quarter hour to make you look back and laugh.

Aries: (March 21-April 19) - Your insomnia will cure itself this week when you finally hear yourself talking and understand how others feel.

Taurus: (April. 20-May 20) - You will learn the hard way that 18 pills, though enough to make you sleep, is too many. Happily, you will gain little more from this lesson than the everlasting peaceful sleep you sought.

Gemini: (May 21-June 21) - You? You are reading this at work. You need to wake up and smell the ass, go back to kissing it and stop surfing the web all day. You know they track your internet traffic right? They see what you see and I just said "ass"… twice, technically.

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