Are you looking for a friend, someone to hang out with, an intimate encounter or something even more brief and anonymous, perhaps with a lonely housewife, teenage girl next door or a friendly, neighborhood white slave who's sick of her equally white master? You and your credit card need fret no more, help has arrived.
Love@AOL, the exclusive AOL Dating service isn't free anymore, since we've learned how profitable lonely self-gratifiers online with low self esteem are, and we just aren't that stupid anymore. Perhaps you understand. We know you're banging fat clicks for free, girls you'd gladly pay a pair of crisp ten-spots for, so it reasons that somebody should be able to charge for it. We can be those people, we can do that, and now do with exceptional glee.
Spot us twenty bucks, meet some fatties, hit that shizzle. Done. That's Love@AOL.
Online dating is all about one thing and one thing only. It's moderately good looking guys scoring anonymously with disgustingly fat pseudo-whores the likes of which these same dudes wouldn't even give a nod to in their own office, and certainly not in front of even their own least respected friends.
Are you a moderately good looking guy or hideously, morbidly fat lady with a peculiar odor? We can help you score, and all for a modest fee*.
Imagine it's very, very dark, and that you're very, very drunk. Yep, that's just about it, here at Love@AOL. Welcome to online dating. Pretty hot (morbidly obese) chicks (with six kids and a moustache,) we've got here, huh? Welcome to AOL, you've got (fe)male.
You have a credit card, right? How about genitals? You've got some variety of those things somewhere below your naval, right? Good, you're our kind consumer. Now go get some Viagra, Cialias, or Spanish fly, and come get your freak on by phone, cyber or sweating to the oldies high on the hog. We clearly don't care if you'e a spammer, fatty, philanderer, or cross dresser.
We only discriminate by denominations of Lincoln-faced bills, so give us your cash and we'll call it even, cool?
Pricing plans:
$5.95 per month. If you are in possession of a vagina, man-boobs, lady's clothes you'll put over your cleanly waxed man thighs, or if you're a porn or scam fraudster, this plan is for you.
$49.95 per month. Since only half of single women describe themselves as "looking", they are hard to come by in dating networks. Conversely, over 80% of all men describe themselves as "looking", and you are sadly, one of those.
To balance the equation, we price our plans accordingly by gender, as to maintain gyna-penile equilibrium, but for a mere pair of Jackson's, your benefit is clear.
$89.95 per month. If you're as queer as a double-headed wooden nickel, this is the plan for you. Create your account right now, and within 20-minutes you will have propositions from dozens of HIV positive sphincter-mongers in your area, many greedy to give or recieve services in even the most outlandish of your homo-erotic scenarios. We aren't gay, but we're also not here to judge... certainly not at these rates, anyhow.
Ready to see some sample dating profiles?
* A modest fee is something we multiply by many tens of millions each month. It's only modest to you, to us it keeps us bathing in the blood of endangered animals in satanic rituals. Fuck you, we're AOL, who the fuck are you?
