Following the successful sequencing of the human genome and the some 4900 subsequent articles a condensed 32-volume reference is now in stores everywhere. This dreadfully incomplete compendium is a must-have for biologists on the go and mad scientists alike. One review of the publication hailed it as "long, heavy, expensive, inconvenient, incomplete and inaccurate." Other reviews ranged in praise from "Forest murderers" to "... the worst thing to happen to ink" to "rather read my own death warrant."

The late Cliff Hillegass, founder of Cliffs Notes was unavailable for posthumous comment.

A handy 18-pound pocket edition is also available which features only the first word of each sentence from the Cliffs notes. "Sure it's confusing, but hey, it's a confusing subject. You think?" Said someone completely unrelated to the matter since no one relevant would discuss it with us.

A class action suit was filed Monday by more than 4,000 inhabitants in the territory encompassed by the newly formed alleged wildfire monopoly. Attorneys for the class action suit dressed as Smokey the Bear contend that the wildfire did not seek permission before executing the merger. When the two separate wildfires merged on June 22nd they formed the largest wildfire in Arizona history with assets totaling more than 300,000 acres of burning woods plus another estimate 100,000 acres still smoldering.

"A fire of this magnitude is clearly a monopoly," reports Heywood Summe, lead counsel for the suit. "Mom and pop fires don't stand a chance against it." The counsel plans so enter in to evidence the fact that home fires unrelated to the wildfire have fallen to nearly zero since the merger occurred as well as the huge federal timber subsidy that it has received.

"It's like this," explained Lance Thatcher, Arizona arsonist, "I've been in the fire business for almost ten years now and when I want to burn something I have to go out and buy my own combustibles. The government has already given a half million acres of choice timber for this giant to torch with millions more in back up. How can a local fire like mine ever take off?"

Pro-wildfire lobbyists in Washington were surprised by the lawsuit. "It's not like half a state burning to the ground ever hurt anyone," said a spokesman. "and it's actually better for the consumer this way. Bigger fires get better press and it's easy to track them. These reports about the blaze saturating the market are unfounded. 'Raging out of control' is a strong accusation and I hope those people are ready to back it up."

Attorneys defending the blaze asked for a continuance through October to allow them to assemble their case. During this time they asked the 9th district court to stop those attempting to curb their expansion. The attorneys contended that trying to put out the fire would seriously affect the long term success of the blaze since the summer is typically a forest fires busiest season. The injunction was granted late yesterday. National guardsman/firefighter Tim Rowly offered, "Well, we're obviously not too happy about the decision but I can see both sides of the argument. We have our orders so we're packing up and going home."

A local displaced owl whose home was consumed in the blaze was asked how he felt about the judge who handed down the injunction and he only asked "Who?"

Glossy News is committed to bringing you the freshest news, even, and especially, if that means not verifying it's validity. Our grossest errors have also been our best stories, as such we've completely abandoned our verification process and put accuracy on the back burner where it belongs.