Horrorscopes
We recognize that not all living people born within a certain window need the same advice and fit the same profile. At Glossy News we appreciate diversity and write our horoscopes for YOU, whomever you may be.
Cancer: (June 22-July 22) - Don't worry, there's nothing you can do. A mad dog WILL maul you. Because it is YOU that has that meaty taste that dogs just love.
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22) - The Jim Morrison gorilla that's been skinning you in your nightmares all week will finally break on through to the other side. Deep breathing should help you transcend.
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) - You will be flattened, flattened, flattened. So eat up amigo, no sense skimping on the bacon now, dig?
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) - There is nothing so noteworthy as being fed to a volcano to save a small village except that you are in fact a 45 year old virgin.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) - Don't lock your doors, don't close your windows. The real murderous madman to destroy you is in the mirror... It's you, was I too subtle?
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) - If you think things couldn't possibly get any worse, then you don't know the meaning of pain… Ya big stupid head.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) - As you read this, your pilot light is going out, your home is filling with gas and YOU are about to blaze up your last fat blunt.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) - You are so magnetically attractive that the bugs are on you in your sleep. At your eyes, in your ears, crawling with their many bristly legs about your delicates. They taste you, they feed from you. Gross.
Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20) - You will be granted immortality by your voodoo witchdoctor lover only to be eaten by zombie wolves summoned by his jealous wife. Man, the stars really have it in for you.
Aries: (March 21-April 19) - Your distinct and separate dreams of falling, burning and being consumed by birds will be conveniently consolidated. Consider heavy sedation or hiring someone to choke hold you unconscious each night.
Taurus: (April. 20-May 20) - That which you fear most will happen to you, not just because it can, but because you deserve it. And that which does not kill you, only makes you wish it did.
Gemini: (May 21-June 21) - Amazingly you will grow quite colossal and wonder "What sin could a man commit in a single life to deserve such a fate," much like in the wonderful film, The Amazing Colossal Man.
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