Ex-UK Prime Minister Tony Blair is to form a new political party, named ‘The No Bullshit Party.’ Speaking at a BBC news conference, Blair said:
I’m drawing up a constitution and setting things up with the electoral commission. I am frankly fed up with being labelled as a liar and a war criminal. I feel it is my duty to reconcile with the British public and re-gain their trust, so I am forming ‘The No Bullshit Party.’
From now on I will only tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, as will all representatives of this party. I will not let the pure landscape amalgamation of integrity and sincerity be sabotaged by an onslaught of bullshit.
Bullshitters! – you know the type:
The guy who wins every horse race he bets on. He’s the guy who couldn’t win a cracker-pulling contest with himself.
The lady who claims to be a qualified fitness instructor. She’s the one with a rear end the size of Jupiter. ‘I can show you how to get a six-pack,’ she says. Well thanks, but you’ve already shown me six packs of ass fat on each cheek.
Yes, the bullshitter – an habitual fantasist and an incorrigible phoney with scant regard for the facts.
Like the guy who tells you he didn’t receive your text message when you know he keeps his phone next to his nuts twenty four hours a day.
The lady who bullshits her Facebook friend with the message ‘Love your dress, honey.’ Really? You mean the orange and brown one with pictures of mice on it?
Yes, the Bullshitter’s primary objective is to perpetrate the implausible and illusory for the sole benefit of your gullable anus. Truly bullshitters are insufferable fabricators that expect the recipient to collude in their nonsensical drivel.
Like the guy who brags about driving on the motorway at 145 mph – ‘Luckily, the road was quiet,’ he says. Good job too. No witnesses to testify that the car he was driving was on his PlayStation.
The guy who tells the doctor he drinks 23 units of alcohol a week – he’s the guy with 23 beer bellies.
Yes, these bullshitters expect you to swallow their fiction and be grateful for the privilege. They’ll tell you tall stories – ‘There was so much turbulence on the plane my tooth fillings fell out.’
Then there’s the guy who tells you he earns twelve thousand pound a week painting fences – he’s the guy wearing a special offer tracksuit.
I as leader will contest the bullshitters’ fanciful yarns, challenge their deceptions, rival their falsifications and tell them to get real.
I’d also like to clarify there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, just the ones that George Bush and I deployed.
[NOTE FROM EDITOR WALLACE: FURTHER FUN COMIN’ ATCHA!]