Tag Archive | "Yucky World"

“Yucky World” w/Dick and Janey: Pagan wants to secularize public schools!


Announcer: A high school in Colorado recently banned religious speech during an “Open Time” period also known as Seminar.

Previously, Jackson High School of Mill Creek, Washington, with the support of the federal courts, banned the playing of an instrumental version of Franz Biebl’s “Ave Maria” at its graduation ceremony.

Dick and Janey, “Yucky World” talk show hosts, will be discussing this issue with Wanda Pagan, spokesperson for Secularize All Public Schools (SAPS).

Janey: What’s the problem, Ms. Pagan?

Pagan: You can’t do religion in the public schools.

Janey: But an instrumental version…

Pagan: …is religion getting its foot in the school house door.

Dick: Would a toe have a better chance?

Pagan: A toe? It really doesn’t matter. That wall separating church and state has to be toe-proof, too.

Dick: Isn’t that a food?

Janey: That’s tofu, Dick. What are your organization’s long range goals, Ms. Pagan?

Pagan: SAPS not only wants to keep religion out of the schools, we want God out as well!

Dick: What if God has a visitor’s pass?

Janey: Uh…what are some other changes you’d like to see?

Pagan: First of all, high school bands would not be allowed to march in Thanksgiving Day parades.

Dick: Wait until Santa hears about this!

Pagan: It’s not about Santa. Students shouldn’t be marching in a parade whose main purpose is to thank God.

Janey: Would schools still be able to close for Good Friday?

Pagan: Yes, but they’d have to rename it. What gives one religious group the right to say their Friday is better than someone else’s? Furthermore, Easter Vacation would have to be renamed Spring Vacation.

Dick: Then if the Easter Bunny changed his first name to Spring, he would still be okay for school?

Pagan: Well…yes, I guess so.

Dick: I don’t think he’s going to like that. He’s already been picked on a lot because his last name is Bunny.

Janey: Ah…right, Dick. If references to God are out, what should students do when they’re saying “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance?

Pagan: Our lawyers recommend coughing.

Dick: Hey, what about milk money? Coins have “In God We Trust” on them!

Pagan: We’re advising school cafeterias to only accept checks.

Janey: And the singing of “God Bless America”?

Pagan: Should be banned!

Dick: So you think nothing blessed America and that we’re all alone!

Pagan: In your case, you ought to be alone in a padded cell.

Janey: Sounds like you’re coming down with a cold.

Pagan: Ah…ah…choo!

Janey: God bless you!

Dick: If the SAPS have their way, better not get caught saying that in a public school!

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“Yucky World” w/Dick and Janey: Presidential Bowing Policy


Announcer: With Dick and Janey on vacation this week, we will be rerunning an earlier interview with Mr. J. Foghill Bottom, the State Department’s resident specialist on diplomatic etiquette.

Because President Obama was criticized early in his presidency for bowing to foreign royalty, this interview was an attempt to find out what exactly is U.S. policy on presidential bowing.

Janey: Welcome, Mr. Bottom.

Dick: Or, to put it a little more in the vernacular: Bottom’s up! Read the full story

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“Yucky World” w/ Dick and Janey: Gubernatorial Mayhem!


Announcer: Political campaigns seem to be getting nastier and nastier. One of the worst has been the governor’s race in our home state. Both candidates are here today to debate the issues as guests of Dick and Janey on their talk show “Yucky World”.

Janey: I want to offer a warm welcome to our two gubernatorial candidates, Johnny Mangler and James Bustemup.

Dick: One of them will be the next guber of our state.

Janey: That’s governor, Dick.

Dick: They look more like gubers to me.

Janey: If you say so. Gentlemen why has this campaign been so negative?

Mangler: Don’t ask me. He started it!

Bustemup: Did not!

Mangler: Did so!

Bustemup: You ran the first negative TV commercial!

Mangler: All my ad did was to ask you a simple question that required a simple “Yes” or “No” answer: Have you stopped beating your dog? Have you? Huh?

Bustemup: Well, you never answered my ad’s simple question: Have you ever met a dead cat that you didn’t like? “Yes” or “No”? Huh? Huh?

Dick: I’m not real mathematical, but I think we may have just reached a new high in negativity!

Janey: And since we have apparently completed our discussion of that subject, let’s turn our debate to some of the other campaign issues. Mr. Bustemup, what are you going to do about taxes?

Bustemup: Read my lips: I’ll lower taxes!

Mangler: That pledge is as false as his teeth!

Bustemup: Read my gums: I’ll still lower taxes!

Janey: O-okay, let’s move on. How do you differ on crime?

Mangler: He’s soft on crime!

Bustemup: He’s soft in the head like a poached egg!

Mangler: His thinking’s all scrambled!

Dick: Keep it up, guys!

Janey: Dick, please!

Dick: Just trying to “egg” them on a little. Yuck! Yuck! Chortle!

Janey: There’s been a lot of concern expressed during the campaign about the deterioration of family values. Does either of you have a program to deal with this problem?

Mangler: He probably wants to give out army boots to all of our mothers—like the kind his mother wore!

Bustemup: Yeah, well, your father wore a tutu with his army boots!

Mangler: Let’s take this outside in the alley. I’ll knock your brains out!

Bustemup: I’ll knock yours out first!

Dick: This should be a real short fight!

Mangler: I hope we can find the alley.

Bustemup: You’d have trouble finding your nose if it wasn’t stuck to your face.

Mangler: Yeah, well, at least my nose looks like it belongs to my face!

Janey: Gentlemen, please! I going to call an end to our debate before someone gets hurt. And…ah…please put your chairs down. Thank you. Our security personnel will now escort you to your cars.

Dick: It’s too bad we don’t have an alley out back. It might have been fun watching them rearrange each other’s face!

Janey: Dick, please. Say! Are you okay? You look a little sick.

Dick: I was just thinking about Election Day.

Janey: And?

Dick: Well, normally, I hold my nose when I’m voting, but this time I’m afraid I’m going to have to take an airline barf bag into the booth with me.

Janey: Pretty bad, huh?

Dick: “(W)retched!”

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“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Left-handers suing Major League Baseball


Announcer: Equal treatment for all Americans is a fundamental principle of our Constitution. Baseball is supposed to be as American as apple pie. Serious questions have been raised about baseball’s fairness by the National Organization for Perfect Equality (NOPE). “Yucky World” talk show hosts Dick and Janey will be discussing this with NOPE spokesperson Lefty Wrightkowitz.

Janey: NOPE recently filed a class-action lawsuit against Major League Baseball for discriminating against left-handers.

Dick: Would you please explain your suit to our audience, Mr. Wrightkowitz?

Wrightkowitz: You can call me Lefty, Dick.

Dick: Alrighty, Lefty! Yuck! Yuck!

Janey: Now how did I know you were going to say that?

Dick: Extra-sensory perception?

Janey: Well, I guess smelling is a perception. What are the grounds for your case, Lefty?

Lefty: We’re suing baseball for the systematic exclusion of left-handed throwers from the positions of third base, shortstop, second base, and catcher. This is blatant discrimination and must not be allowed to continue.

Dick: Boy, it sounds like you’ve got a real good case there, Lefty.

Janey: I’m not so sure. It’s done because of the baseball diamond. You have to be able to throw right-handed to get the ball to first base the fastest.

Lefty: True, but that’s because the right-handers who started baseball set the game up backwards.

Dick: Backwards?

Lefty: How come you don’t run the bases clockwise? You deal cards clockwise. If you did run clockwise, you’d have to have left-handers at all these positions.

Janey: Yeah, but horses and greyhounds run counter-clockwise.

Lefty: They can’t tell time.

Dick: I once saw Trigger tell time with his paw.

Janey: That’s hoof, Dick.

Dick: Whatever.

Janey: So what do you want the courts to do, Lefty?

Lefty: We simply want equal justice. We want baseball to be played clockwise for the next 100 years to even out the past injustices. After that, they can switch first base with third base every other year.

Janey: I guess my great-great-grandson had better learn to be ambidextrous if he wants to play baseball.

Dick: Gee, Janey. Maybe they’ll find a cure for that before then.

Janey: Cure for what?

Dick: That disease, ambidextrous.

Janey: Dick, are you always out to lunch?

Dick: Only when I have a hot dog at the ballpark. By the way, Lefty, as a left-hander, I’ve got a pet peeve of my own.

Lefty: What’s that?

Dick: Toilet paper! What are we going to do about toilet paper?

Janey: Huh?

Dick: You know, toilet paper in public restrooms, it’s usually on the side for right-handers.

Lefty: We’ll get working on that right away, Dick.

Dick: Great! Then I won’t have to carry my own paper anymore!!

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“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Is there too much sex on TV? (Part 2)


Announcer: Continuing their “Yucky World” interview with network programmer Seymour Dooless, Dick and Janey will be using examples of televised sexual situations.

Dick: We’ve brought a TV monitor into our studio so that we can show scenes from some typical TV shows.

Janey: Our first show is the daytime soap opera, “The Young and the Feckless”. Let’s see what’s going on.

She #2: Well, he kept bugging me, and we kept getting closer and closer, and finally we did it.
She #1: Did you use any protection?
She #2: Why? They never do on TV.
She #1: Right.
She #2: I can’t wait until I turn sixteen, so I can really start dating.

Janey: No surprises there. Any comments, Mr. Dooless?

Dooless: Well, this doesn’t have any influence on children because they’re at school when it’s on TV.

Janey: What if they record it?

Dooless: Then it’s their parents’ responsibility.

when-did-tv-get-so-dirty
Dick: Gee, I never knew any girls like that when I was in high school.

Dick: What about summer vacation?

Dooless: Kids are outside playing during the summer.

Janey: Playing what? Doctor?

Dick: We used to play “Doctor” when I was a kid, but I never got a chance to understand the game.

Janey: Still no surprises.

Dick: I was the outside security guard for our clubhouse hospital. It was pretty quiet in there, so the game couldn’t have been much fun.

Janey: Su-u-re, Dick. Now, let’s take a look at our second selection, the prime time series, “Let My Family Be”.

She: He only tries to sneak out once a week to see his mistress.
He: Can’t you encourage him to go out more?
She: He might get suspicious.
He: I’ve missed you so, Darling!
She: It’s been so long, Dear!

Dick: Does this kind of stuff with mistresses really go on?

Janey: More than you might think, Dick. Especially on TV!

Dick: Well, can a single man have a mistress or do you have to be married?

Janey: Why don’t you ask your mother, Dick?

Dick: She’d just tell me to ask my father.

Janey: And?

Dick: He’d just tell me to watch more TV and ask fewer questions.

Dooless: You have to remember, this is an evening show. It’s up to parents if they want their children to see it. Besides, some of us view these affairs as nothing more than peccadillos.

Dick: Well, why can’t they pick on something other than a dillo?

These are actual screen grabs from Days of Our Lives. Too hot to handle, according to some.

These are actual screen grabs from Days of Our Lives. Too hot to handle, according to some.

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“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Is there too much sex on TV? (Part 1)


Announcer: Fictional TV shows are often criticized for having too much sex on them. Dick and Janey, talks show hosts of “Yucky World”, will be discussing this issue with network programmer Seymour Dooless.

Janey: Our topic for today asks the question “Is there too much sex on TV?” This program may not be appropriate for children. Parental discretion is advised.

Dick: Has it gone that far?

Janey: Has what gone where?

Dick: You know…

Janey: Speak up, Dick!

Dick: Sex…

Janey: Yes?

Dick: …on television.

Janey: That depends on what you mean by “how far”?

Dick: Sounds like a question from my last date.

Janey: You’re dating?

Dick: Well, it was actually a blind date.

Janey: And?

Dick: She asked me how far I wanted to go.

Janey: And you said…

Dick: That I didn’t want to leave the county.

Janey: Oh-kay, Dick. Mr. Dooless, is there more sex on TV?

Dooless: Yes, but we think that’s what’s happening in real life, too.

Janey: There was an episode on “How I Met Your Mother” where one of the main characters achieved his goal of a “perfect week” by having sex with seven different women. Do you think that’s real life?

As a teen in the late 80s, this was about as hot as it got on television.

As a teen in the late 80s, this was about as hot as it got on television.

Dooless: Well, you know, TV characters aren’t your average people.

Janey: But they’re watched by average people.

Dick: And their kids.

Janey: Who may not see the real life consequences of all this sexual activity.

Dick: A Rand study found that teens who watched racy TV shows were much more likely to become pregnant than those who didn’t watch those shows.

Dooless: Fictional television stories aren’t real. We’re not responsible for what happens in real life.

Janey: You may have just said the key words, Mr. Dooless.

Dooless: Really? What were they?

Janey: “Not responsible”.

Dick: How about influential? Do you see TV shows as influencing people’s lives?

Dooless: We provide entertainment for people.

Janey: You will admit that sponsors buy advertising time to try to influence the audience to buy their products.

Dooless: Sure, but that’s different. Products advertised on TV are real. Therefore, they can be influential and have real life consequences.

Janey: But fictional TV shows are…

Dooless: Unreal!

Janey: I think we’d better break for a commercial. This whole conversation is beginning to seem awfully unreal.

Dick: That’s what my blind date said about me.

Janey: That you were unreal?

Dick: Right! And my mother even agreed with her.

Janey: Your mother?

Dick: Yeah. She was in the backseat with a map of the county.

Oh yeah, that's the stuff. She's distorted as hell and probably looks like that in real life, but this sad travesty was the reality kids had to work with before the internet made adult themes ubiquitous and effortless to find.

Oh yeah, that’s the stuff. She’s distorted as hell and probably looks like that in real life, but this sad travesty was the reality kids had to work with before the internet made adult themes ubiquitous and effortless to find.

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“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Obamymorons! (They’re not what you think!)


Announcer: Today’s guest on “Yucky World” will be noted political consultant and lexicologist W.C. “Scoop” Pooper. He will be discussing a new political term, Obamymoron, with our talk show hosts Dick and Janey.

Janey: Welcome, Scoop.

Dick: Hey, what’s the latest poop, Scoop? Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

Scoop: Well, President Obama has finally stepped in it this time with the Sergeant Bergdahl trade!

Dick: I’m not surprised. That’s what happens when you lead with your bee-hind.

Janey: Please, Dick! What’s an Obamymoron, Scoop?

Scoop: It’s when people realize that what you said or did contradicts reality.

Dick: Like Bergdahl was so near death that the President didn’t have time to consult Congress?

Scoop: Right!

Dick: Then “If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor” would also be an Obamymoron?

Scoop: Absolutely! But it doesn’t have to be something President Obama said or did.

Janey: How about “Read my lips! No new taxes”?

Scoop: Exactly! Obamymorons can be bi-partisan!

Dick: What about Susan Rice saying Bergdahl was “captured on the battlefield” and “served the United States with honor and distinction”?

Scoop: That’s a double Obamymoron. Those are hard to do!

Dick: Not for Rice. Don’t forget her Obamymoron that the attack in Benghazi started out as a protest over a video.

Janey: I’m a little concerned that some people might think the term Obamymoron is racist.

Scoop: You know, it’s really just a play on the word oxymoron, like “jumbo shrimp”. Obamymorons are very similar to oxymorons; they both have built-in contradictions!

Dick: And no one’s ever said that using the term oxymoron meant a person was prejudiced against oxen.

Janey: Ri-i-ght, Dick. But why pick on Obama?

Scoop: Because he’s so easy. Remember when Obama said he was against presidential signing statements being attached to bills and that his administration would be the most transparent ever?

Dick: Obamymorons!

Janey: But sometimes reality is different from what you expected.

Scoop: Yeah! And when reality gets in the way of transparency, and Bush can’t be blamed, you can always crash Lois Lerner’s IRS computer!

Dick: Look at the President’s goal of equal pay for men and women. The problem was, for Obama’s White House staff, women only earned 88% of what men did!

Scoop: Obamymoron!

Dick: How about “I did not have sexual relations with that woman Monica Lewinsky”?

Scoop: Doink! That’s not an Obamymoron!

Dick: Doink! Huh?

Janey: Clinton had sex with her, Dick, not sexual relations.

Dick: I’m confused.

Janey: About sex? I’m not surprised.

Scoop: Clinton was being a lawyer and parsing words.

Janey: Speaking of parsing words, our sponsors have just sent us an email indicating that they would like to have an Obamymoron contest.

Dick: Just email your Obamymorons to us here at the station.

Scoop: Will there be prizes?

Dick: Everyone who enters is guaranteed a free IRS audit!

Scoop: What about special prizes for the best responses?

Janey: For second place, your audit will be conducted in the Rose Garden.

Dick: And you will get a free beer compliments of the President.

Scoop: I’m afraid to ask what first place wins.

Dick: A one week all expenses paid vacation to Qatar where you will stay with the Taliban Five at their safe house.

Janey: Wouldn’t a Taliban safe house be a…

Scoop: Yes! …An oxymoronic Obamymoron!!

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“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Feds to tax bowling jackpots!


Announcer: With the federal highway system continuing to deteriorate, President Obama has been looking for new ways to raise money including collecting tolls on the Interstates. Administration tax specialist Mr. I.R. Esse will be discussing this with Dick and Janey, talk show hosts of “Yucky World”.

Janey: Welcome, Mr. Esse. Read the full story

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“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey (^-^) Today’s issue: Sex with a subordinate?!


Announcer: Monica Lewinsky was recently interviewed about her affair with former President Bill Clinton. Dick and Janey’s guest today on “Yucky World” will be Hedda Enabler, spokesperson for the National Association of Disorganized Women.

They will be discussing the fact that her organization has not objected to men like Clinton having sex with women who are their subordinates.

Enabler: Hey, bud! You left out the word “consensual”.

Dick:Wow! How did you know our announcer’s name was Bud? I didn’t even know that!

Janey: Forgive him, Ms. Enabler. There’s a lot he doesn’t know.

Enabler: Probably starting with sex.

Dick: Hey, I know about the birds and the fleas.

Janey: Anyway, how can sex between a subordinate and her boss be consensual? If she refuses, it could cost the woman her job.

Enabler: Just say “No!”

Dick: I think I’ve heard that before.

Janey: And if she loses her job?

Enabler: Sue him!

Dick: That will keep the trial lawyers smiling.

Janey: What if it’s a lawyer having sex with his secretary?

Dick: Another smiling lawyer?

Enabler:Let’s look at a real world example like President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.

Janey: As an intern, she wasn’t even an employee when the affair started.

Enabler: Doesn’t matter. It was consensual. The President was under a lot of pressure, and she was helping him to relieve it.

Dick: When I’m under stress, I usually go for a walk.

Enabler: I bet you drop bread crumbs so you can find your way home.

Janey: And what kind of stress was David Letterman under with his staffers?

Enabler: Hey, it’s tough being a high profile network comedian. You have to tell some really good jokes night after night.

Janey: But, you certainly must object to Roman Polanski having sex with a thirteen-year-old girl.

Enabler: Cut the guy a little slack. He’s made a lot of great movies…and look at all the pressure and personal tragedies he’s had to face.

Janey: But a thirteen-year-old?

Enabler: Shakespeare’s Juliet was only thirteen!

Dick: Hmm! “Roman and Juliet”? It doesn’t really work for me.

Janey: Polanski even drugged her.

Enabler: So! Juliet did drugs, too.

Dick: Sex! Drugs! Some things never change!!

Janey: But what if the tables are turned? What if the woman is the boss who’s demanding sex?

Enabler: I guess men will just have to get used to it.

Dick: Used to what?

Enabler: Being in the subordinate position.

Dick: I don’t remember that position from my sex ed class.

Janey: Isn’t it just blatant hypocrisy to say it’s consensual sex when the relationship is between a boss and a subordinate?

Enabler: Sometimes it depends on who the boss is.

Janey: Well, what about George W. Bush?

Enabler: That “W” stood for “War on Women”!

Janey: Well, he did free a lot of women from domination by the misogynist Taliban!

Enabler: Sure, but what did he do for American women?

Janey: Isn’t that a double standard?

Enabler: Well, it’s better than having no standards at all!

Dick: Maybe I should become a trial lawyer.

Janey: Don’t you remember what Shakespeare wrote about killing all the lawyers?

Dick: Yeah, but at least they would have died with smiles on their faces. Yuck! Yuck!

Janey: You’d better wipe that smirk off your face before I do it for you!

Dick: “For never was a story of more woe…” Than this of Janey and her Dickeo!

Enabler: Sophomoric!

Dick: Yeah! But at least I’m consistent!

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“Yucky World” Guest Topic: Is government product safety running amok?


Announcer: Some people believe the federal government is going overboard in its efforts to protect us from hurting ourselves. “Yucky World” talk show hosts Dick and Janey will be discussing this issue with their guest, Consumer Protection Agency representative Miss Nanny State. (Any pain and suffering caused by “Yucky World” is not the fault of the sponsor…or any of his relatives.)

Janey: Our topic for today is product safety. Are you bringing unsafe products into your home?

(RIGHT: CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE)

Dick: I cut my thumb yesterday opening a bottle of beer.

Janey: Really?

Dick: Yeah! I was using a bottle opener and it slipped.

Janey: That doesn’t sound like it was the beer’s fault.

Dick: Well, it was a twist-off cap and I couldn’t get it to twist-off.

Janey: Next time call me when you need help.

Dick: That’s okay. I’m not buying that kind of beer anymore.

Janey: Good decision, Dick. Now introduce our guest.

Dick: I’d like to welcome federal consumer advocate Miss Nanny State to our show.

Nanny: Thanks, Dick! Do either of you have a light?

Janey: I quit smoking.

Dick: I only drink beer… uh…just a little.

Nanny: No matter. I just happen to have two of the most dangerous products in the world here in my hand: a lighter and some matches.

Janey: What’s the danger, Miss Nanny?

Nanny: Children playing with them or fires accidentally starting in our pockets or purses!

Dick: I agree that these tragedies need to be prevented, but what are smokers supposed to do? Rub two sticks together?

Janey: You’d never be able to do it, Dick.

Dick: Very funny!

Nanny: No, short of banning them, I’d like to require that they be kept in little fire-proof boxes that are opened with combination locks.

Dick: That sounds awfully complicated, Miss Nanny.

Nanny: Nobody said life was supposed to be easy.

Janey: Why not put them in bottles with child-proof caps?

Nanny: Unfortunately, a lot of adults found them to be adult-proof, too.

Dick: I can identify with that.

Janey: This still sounds pretty extreme.

Nanny: I’ve brought one with me to show you. The average adult will have no trouble opening it.

Janey: Let’s give it a real test and try it on Dick.

Nanny: Him?

Janey: Sure!

Nanny: You know, I never said that all adults would be able to open it.

Janey: Oh, no! I agree. If Dick can’t open it, then we’ll have proof that it is child-proof.

Dick: I’m not sure that I like the direction this conversation is taking.

Janey: Don’t worry, Dick. I was only joking.

Dick: That’s a load off my mind.

Nanny: Couldn’t have been very heavy.

Janey: One last question. Do you think it would be possible to come up with a way to make the world safe from Dick?

Nanny: I think I’d rather try to make the world safe for democracy.

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Obama’s foreign policy of “Follow the Follower” isn’t working!


Announcer: President Obama’s foreign policy has come under serious scrutiny lately. Dick and Janey, talk show hosts of Yucky World, will be discussing this with retired U.S. State Department diplomat J. Foghill Bottom.

Janey: You’re considered to be one of the deans of American diplomacy, Mr. Bottom. To what do you attribute your success? Read the full story

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Hide your pets! Obama has plans for them!


Announcer: With everyone discussing ObamaCare, Dick and Janey, talk show hosts of Yucky World, will be interviewing the President about his latest health care plan.

Janey: Welcome, Mr. President.

Obama: Thank you, Janey.

Dick: So what are you planning on getting wrong this time, Mr. President?

Janey: Dick, please! Show a little respect!

Obama: That’s okay. I’m used to hearing stuff like that from the troglodytes at Fox News, but even Dick might like my latest idea.

Dick: Really!

Obama: It’s called the Adorable PetCare Act. By executive order, I’m going to provide health care for all our nation’s pets.

Dick: Does that include moose?

Obama: You have a moose for a pet?

Dick: Not yet…but I’m thinking about it. I’m a big Bullwinkle fan.

Janey: Sure, Dick. Have you learned anything from your ObamaCare mistakes?

Obama: Definitely! This time I’m not making promises I can’t keep. When I announce the plan later this week, I will say, “If you like your pet, you can keep your pet. Asterisk.”

Dick: Asterisk! What’s that for?

Obama: It covers any future changes I may have to make in the plan.

Dick: You know, the Constitution’s only been amended 27 times in over 200 years, but you’ve already made over 30 changes in ObamaCare.

Obama: I’m surprised you can count that high, Dick.

Janey: He had some trouble when he ran out of toes.

Dick: You said that people who help folks to sign up for ObamaCare do “God’s work”. What about those who lost their health care?

Obama: I blame those insurance devils!

Dick: You sure it wasn’t Bush’s fault?

Obama: Not this time. The devil was in the details. We’re thinking about an exorcism.

Dick: Ooh-kay. Isn’t the PetCare Act just another example of you using your pencil and phone to go around Congress?

Janey: Dick, he actually said pen.

Obama: Strangely enough, Dick’s more right than wrong. I’m asking Congress to write all future laws in pencil so that way it’ll be easier for me to change them.

Dick: Thank God the Constitution was written in ink!

Obama: That’s where the phone comes in handy. I used it to order a case of Whiteout.

Janey: Have you made any other important calls?

Obama: I did phone Senator Reid.

Janey: And?

Obama: The Senator is upset with the IRS. Apparently he still hasn’t received his 10% reward for turning in Gov. Romney in 2012 for not paying taxes for the previous 10 years.

Dick: I guess Dirty Harry made an offer that the IRS could refuse.

Obama: I told the Senator I’d look into it, but, as I’ve said before, there’s not a smidgen of corruption at the IRS.

Dick: Tell that to the pro-marriage group that had its donors’ list leaked by the IRS.

Obama: Even if that’s true, it’s probably just an iota which is a lot less than a smidgen.

Dick: Weasel words!

Obama: Yeah, well, I hate to tell you this, Dick, but weasels aren’t covered under the PetCare Act!

Janey: Can you tell us some of its other provisions?

Dick: Yeah! Like will there be free contraceptives for our pets?

Obama: We’re thinking more like mandatory neutering.

Dick: But if you neuter all our pets, eventually there won’t be any left.

Obama: Exactly!

Dick: There goes Bullwinkle, Jr.

Obama: This provision will also decrease income inequality!

Janey: Huh?

Obama: Since poor people spend a greater percentage of their income on their pets than the rich do, eliminating pets will reduce the gap between the rich and the poor.

Janey: What are you planning on doing once you leave the White House?

Obama: Actually, I’m thinking about running for a third term.

Dick: But…but the Constitution limits you to just two.

Obama: Only until my case of Whiteout is delivered.

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