Tag Archive | "Wayne LaPierre"

NRA Starts Big Push To Get Guns Into The Hands Of As Many Wackos As Possible


Realizing statistically that whenever there is a gun related mass murder by a mentally ill individual or group that gun sales go up out of fear that they will be outlawed.

Because of this gun manufacturers have started pushing the NRA to get more guns into the hands of as many psychopaths as possible.

A secret email has been acquired by a hacker and turned over to Washington newspapers who in turn exposed it to the reading public. Read the full story

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NRA Demands US Government Outlaw Drones Despite 2nd Amendment


In a strange reversal of policy the NRA has demanded that the U.S. make a ban on drones very much like the ban on guns that they have so heatedly fought against in the past.

Speaking at a press conference NRA Fuhrer Wayne LaPierre has vehemently asserted that “Drones are dangerous! They are potential weapons of mass destruction! They should not be allowed in the wrong hands!” Read the full story

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NRA Succeeds In Taking Over U.S.- Bans All Amendments Except Second


The NRA has at last accomplished their goal of taking over the government of what was once was the United States of America.

Initiating a ploy that they were rebels against an unfair, repressive political entity, they succeeding in hiding their real intent until it was too late to stop them.

RIGHT: Regulate this, bitches! (CLICK TO ENLARGE.) Image appears courtesy of Steve Ryan at ElectricUnderpants.com.

They had all the guns; the government had only pompous, meaningless words.

The new President for life, Wayne LaPierre, immediately changed his title upon taking office to “The Czar” and declared amnesty for all those in prison for carrying concealed guns or for possessing what was once deemed inappropriate weaponry.

In the same breath he had his legions of henchmen arrest and put before a firing squad anyone who was known to campaign for gun control or to have protested against any war anywhere in the world. Head Henchman Chief Executioner Ted Nugent was heard to say “Yee-haw! Lets have some target practice on these know-it-all pussies right here and now! Beats shooting clay pigeons any day!”

In the hours after LaPierre’s takeover he and his top subordinates engaged in an hours long meeting that convened with them making the announcement that all Constitutional amendments save the second (“the Right to Bear Arms.”) would be banned. The decisions on it went like this:

“Amendment I.- We repeal the right of free speech. We will tell you what to think and do from here on out- or else!
We repeal the right to religion. God and Christ is good enough for us and should be good enough for everyone else too. If you don’t agree we will shoot you in the name of our Lord.
We have the right of assembly. Anyone else should just stay at home with their doors locked.
IV.- In the future the property of NRA members cannot be searched or seized, but we will reserve the right to do such at any other residence we so wish to.
V.- All Individuals accused of a crime will be brought henceforth before a tribunal of NRA officials. Then shot.
VI.- All trials, speedy or otherwise, shall be abolished. Offenders of any sort will simply be shot.
VII.- Common law is now abolished. We ARE the law.
VIII.- Bail shall be set at whatever price the accused cannot afford so that we can throw them in jail and do whatever we want with them.
IX.- From now on we will decide what your rights are and aren’t.
X.- The powers delegated to the Sates are now delegated to us.

The Second Amendment will from now on be the only Amendment recognized and obeyed. And we do mean OBEYED!!!!!!!

III.-The Amendment about quartering soldiers at private homes is still under consideration as we are debating whether to station our more loyal members at the houses of those who refuse to become members. Someone needs to keep an eye on them.

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In Duel With The NRA And LaPierre Obama Loses


Many believed it would be a dramatic and historic meeting between President Obama and NRA leader Wayne LaPierre when they met at a press conference in New York this afternoon.

After a long standing feud (minus guns but about guns) between the two for the entire duration of Obama’s term, the President has finally admitted defeat and will cave in to the NRA’s demands that anybody anywhere can buy and possess guns of any make at any time they so wish. Read the full story

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Harvey Weinstein to Open Fire on NRA in Upcoming Movie


Filmmaker, Harvey Weinstein announced Wednesday that he is taking on the NRA with a zeal not seen since Michael Moore’s documentary, Bowling for Columbine. Weinstein told Howard Stern that his movie won’t be a documentary, which will give him license to open both barrels on the NRA.

“No, I’m not going to get all in their face like Michael Moore,” said Weinstein. Read the full story

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Wayne LaPierre, Tormented By Fear Over Gun Deaths, Builds His Own Winchester Mansion


Wayne LaPierre, chief face for the National Rifle Association, has been secretly burdened by the fear of having helped to suppress laws that would have controlled the guns that have been ravaging American society.

Knowing that he was instrumental in the deaths and injuries of thousands of citizens across this land, LaPierre has taken up where Sarah Winchester, wife of rifle manufacturer William Winchester, left off.

Sarah Winchester, made fabulously wealthy by being married to the man who created the rifle that helped shoot up the West, allegedly felt guilty about the people whose lives were ended by bullets from her husband’s guns. She deemed that the souls of those killed hovered around and that her family was responsible for their ordeal.

A medium warned that these spirits wanted her own death even as they had taken those of her daughter and husband. To ward them off, she must move out west and build a house that would never end. To stop building on it would allow the disembodied entities to take her life. Taking the advice she moved to San Jose California where in 1884 she began the work on what was to become known as Winchester House from the ground up.

Hiring workers 24 hours a day to erect additions on to it, she had false hallways and doors leading to nowhere built to confuse the entities that wanted her blood. This went on for the remaining 38 years of her life. The famous Winchester House has since become a legend and is a major tourist attraction that draws thousands a year to visit its twisting staircases and hidden rooms.

Now LaPierre, also crippled by fear, has been building on his own home, although not on quite the same scale as Mrs. Winchester. Doing a lot of the work himself, he has injuring himself a few times and takes full advantage of Obamacare to pay his hospital bills.

Bathed in sweat, he invests fervent energy into that which is almost Biblical. “They ain’t gonna get me! They ain’t gonna get me!” is a mantra he repeats continuously. “I know that most of them are liberals and deserve to get shot, but now that they are dead they are like zombies and will stop at nothing to get me!” he says, his eyes rolling feverishly.

NRA sponsors have not been supportive of his project; in fact they are embarrassed by it. “This is the guy who is supposed to be pushing our gun agenda for us, and he is letting himself be pussified by a bunch of spooks? It is time we find someone else to get our way in the government. Does anyone know Dick Cheney’s telephone number?”

Yahhc
Graphics appear courtesy of Michael J. Carlucci.

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Study: Gun Advocates Commonly Cowards?


A recent study conducted by the NRA surprisingly finds instances of gun ownership are tied directly to those prone to acts of cowardice.

The study surveyed 924 gun owners and asked them a variety of questions, and included 323 non-gun owners as a control group.

When the question was asked “Would you stand up to a bully in the street?” 84% of gun owners said “yes”, but when asked if they’d do so without a gun, the number shrunk to just 14%, compared with 42% of non-gun owners. Read the full story

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Study: Illegal Gun Owners Have Larger Genitalia


In a recent study published jointly by the NAACP and the NCAA, it has been found that those possessing firearms illegally have a penis, on average, three inches longer.

“It’s true,” said Rebecca Haywood, spokeswoman and study researcher. “I’ve seen every man through this detention center in the past month, and I have to say, guys who don’t have [concealed license] permits are bigger in the penis by two standard deviations.” Read the full story

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Obama Lets His Bad Self Out All Over The NRA’s LaPierre


It was a phone call that President Obama didn’t want to make, but he knew he would eventually have to. He also knew that it would do little good, but that it had to be made anyway. So, on Wednesday, he did. And he was right.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

“Good day, Mr. LaPierre. How are you doing today?”

“Oh, I was OK until you called.” Read the full story

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Gun Companies Realize More Profit Made Being Patriotic to Taliban than US


A major financial shift has occurred within the gun manufacturing section of the United States Corporate industry. A huge surge has come about in the number of guns and ammunition being clandestinely sold to the Mid East terror organization Al Queda. Read the full story

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NRA: “F*ck It, Why Have Laws At All?”


WASHINGTON — In a decisive move, federal lawmakers are expected to push a bill through both houses that would repeal every gun control law that ever existed in the U.S. dating back to the Articles of Confederation.

According to sources on Capitol Hill, this new legislation comes on the heels of an NRA-funded campaign to bombard congressional Email accounts relentlessly with pro- 2nd amendment memes. Read the full story

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NRA Promotes New Mass Shootings to Stimulate Gun Sales


The NRA, flush with a victory over the US Government and common sense in general with their defeat of all gun bills, has decided to keep on a roll and create more gun sales by stimulating more mass shootings.

Observing that the sale of guns actually increases after mass killings and after threats of gun control restrictions, the NRA has decided to go for broke. Read the full story

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Kim Jong Un Steps Out Swinging As New Spokesman For NRA


In need of a new spokesman so fiery he can burn people with his tongue alone and can intimidate a whole nation, the NRA has chosen North Korean leader Kim Jong Un to replace the nerdy Wayne LaPierre as their propaganda head.

The NRA has long looked for a speaker who can inflame the passion of legal destruction in people’s hearts and woo them in any direction wished and make it seem patriotic, even if that direction is ultimately catastrophic to the nations fabric. Read the full story

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National Rat Association Wants to Disassociate Itself From NRA


The National Rat Association, an organization created and run by the rat population of the United States of America, is doing a big publicity campaign to disassociate itself from the notorious National Rifle Association who share the same abbreviated initials as them. Read the full story

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Drone Spotted Flying Over JFK Traced To NRA


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NRA Takes Battle to New Level; Buys Death Star


The NRA has upped its political game with the acquisition of the Death Star made famous from the Star Wars movie franchise.

Thought to have been totally destroyed following a second massive attack by impudent rebel forces in the third (or is that the sixth?) installment of the series (I always get them confused and so do most normal people (nerds not included in the idea of ‘normal’)) the killer man made planet has apparently been repaired by laid off Lucasfilm engineers able to hobble it back together again. Read the full story

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