Tag Archive | "war on christmas"

U.S. Department Stores Renew War on Christmas


If you haven’t entered a department store since early October, local man Skip Peters thinks you may be in for a shock. “Not one employee will wish you a merry Christmas,” he claims.

According to Peters, stores across the country have boxed up the lawn inflatables and dancing Santas, along with their holiday cheer. What started as a protest by Starbucks has quickly spread across the nation.

As Peters puts it, “They’ve stolen the joy from young and old alike.” Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, War ZoneComments (0)

Santorum’s Untimely September Crusade Against Wal-Mart


OK, I know the following article seems pretty anachronistic (in more ways than one, maybe).

Still, if politicians make “untimely interventions” in issues that are more safely consigned to a different part of the calendar, it’s not my fault.

Yes, it really isn’t my fault…

I mean, this is the objective media, and holding our hands up and taking responsibility is not really our bag. Read the full story

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Nativity Scene Vandalized: Baby Jesus Replaced w/ Budweiser


When Dan Fairbanks, pastor at the Village Seventh Day Adventurer Church, checked his congregation’s nativity scene Christmas Eve morning, what he found was the most disturbing image of his life.

In the manger belonging to Baby Jesus, instead of Jesus, he found a six pack of Budweiser, three of them emptied.

“Not only had the thieving bastards stolen poor Baby Jesus, but they left beverages of the devil behind in His place,” said Fairbanks soon after the incident. Read the full story

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Sarah Palin wants to save Christmas. You can help by buying her new book


Christmas Day is just around the corner, a time of peace and love and harmony, unless you’re Jewish. But this year, our Christian values of tolerance and forgiveness are being overwhelmed by a cataclysmic war on a scale the world has never seen.

The images we see on television are heartbreaking. When will this senseless war stop?

No, I’m not talking about the twelve-year war in Afghanistan, nor the civil war tearing apart Syria. I’m not even talking about the brutal Mattress Price Wars, although the televised images of those retailers viciously slashing prices before my very eyes is enough to make me sick.

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No, I am, of course, talking about something far more pernicious and deadly: The War on Christmas.

RIGHT: Please buy this book. Do it for America–and for baby Jesus. That perfect gift for that God-fearing someone in your life. [Disclaimer: This book may not be suitable for people with an IQ over 75 or who suffer from tolerance of those with differing worldviews from their own.] (CLICK IMAGE TO ENGLARGE)

In her lovingly written new book, Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas, distinguished author and former Alaskan beauty pageant winner Sarah Palin launches into a heartwarming tirade in defense of Christian values against the onslaught of political correctness, the secularization of Christmas, and the abominations of atheists and liberals (which two groups are, of course, essentially the same). And I for one could not agree with her views more, even if I understood what she was talking about.

I will be the first to admit that, like millions of Americans, I had no idea Sarah Palin could read, let alone write. But I was wrong. In her new pop-up coloring book, the ex-60%-of-one-term governor of Alaska makes a clarion call to save Christmas. What is destroying our American way of life is not a culture of gun violence. Nor the fact that the top 1% of society owns 40% of the nation’s wealth. It’s not even our faltering educational system. The real problem confronting us, according to Palin, is the war waged by millions on the left against Christmas.

Palin’s motive for writing this book is explained in her own words on the book’s back cover: “If I’m for Christmas, it’s only because I’m for Christ.” It’s clear that unlike liberals and people wanting to take away our guns, Palin loves Jesus. And the fact that she stands to rake in $10 million from book sales to Wal-Mart shoppers was the furthest thing from her mind when she hired someone to ghostwrite her book.

In reading her inspiring message of hope for all Christians in this great Christian nation of Christians, I came away with a startling realization about how much hatred for our savior lies deep within the misguided hearts of the average Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist, vegetarian, environmental activist and community organizer. It was not until I read this book that I finally understood why Jesus hates gays. The War on Christmas, Palin points out, is first and foremost a war for our souls. And thanks to insidious, politically correct wishes for “Happy Holidays” oppressing our attempts to wish our fellow citizens a “Merry Christmas,” Satan and his growing army of Christmas-destroyers are winning the battle.

Here is a short passage from her book that I pray you will appreciate as much as I did:

Jesus’ birth is not about Black Friday sales. Why does Christmas cause so much anger just by its very name? If Jesus, coming to us for our salvation, which, when I think back upon it, it’s because of the lamestream media, whose hostility to Christmas, such that who are they to judge, notwithstanding if we take arms courageously to protect the Bible, then perhaps those without salvation, having caused such an uproar, for whom was the baby swaddled in a manger, which you can see from Alaska, and good will to all mankind except for angry homosexuals who don their gay apparel…

Amen, Sister Sarah, amen. I could not have said it better myself (had I been in a drunken stupor from spiked eggnog).

Sarah Palin book signingPalin zeroes in on the real meaning of Christmas. It’s not about Black Friday sales on flat screen TVs and tablet PCs. It’s about pointing out how Americans who have discovered Jesus are better than everybody else. As Palin soothingly explains, the real crisis threatening Christmas in America is all those atheists trying to return Christmas to its origins as a pagan festival celebrating the winter solstice during which Democrats would get drunk and fornicate with goats. Why do they hate baby Jesus so much? For God’s sake, he’s just a baby.

In this amazing book, written in a tasteful Helvetica font, Palin’s mission is to be that brave voice speaking on behalf of all Christians in America’s heartland (circa 1953). She courageously reveals that Christmas isn’t about sharing the holiday quietly with your loved ones and opening presents. It’s about lovingly shoving your own views about Christmas down the throats of people who don’t share your deeply-held fundamentalist beliefs, and compassionately reminding all Americans why it’s important to load your hunting rifle and rid this Christian nation of those intolerant Jesus-haters who are desperately trying to keep us from spreading God’s Christmas message of peace and good will to mankind.

Why waste time reading the hackneyed holiday musings of Charles Dickens, Clement Clarke Moore or Robert Frost? They’ve all been surpassed by the brightest star atop the literary Christmas tree, Sarah Louise Palin. Please do your patriotic duty this Christmas and buy her incredible Christmas book.

Help Sarah save Christmas for all of us – well, most of us, anyway. If enough red-blooded Americans purchase her book, it just might make Sarah Palin the most miraculous profit of God in our lifetime.

Happy Holida-, er, I mean, Merry Christmas, everybody.

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Posted in Entertainment, Opinon/EditorialComments (1)

The War on Christmas Is(n’t) a Total Joke


It seems every year we go through the same rigamaroll. In August we crack out the decorations, in November we start the massive shopping season, and in December we enter the War on Christmas territory.

Is it a real war, or one imagined? Is Christianity itself under attack, or the Christians and secular humanists who celebrate it?

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Today we look at both sides of the issue. From the Left, Brian K. White, satirist and editor of GlossyNews.com. From the Right, blogger and pollster Dean Chambers from UnSkewedPolls.com. Read the full story

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Resilient Christmas Claims Victory in War on Christmas


NORTH POLE – Christmas – the holiday widely regarded as the most wonderful time of the year – today claimed victory in the War on Christmas, after enemy combatants and political correctness brigades surrendered in the early hours of the morning.

Its victory brings to a close 11 years of violent combat, which has seen bureaucrats carry out persistent strategic attacks on the special day in a war that is reported to have bored over two million people since fighting began on December 6, 2000. Read the full story

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Christmas Moved to February


After years of complaining by stressed out shoppers and overworked retailers, the Catholic Church has finally moved the year’s most important holiday. From now on, Christmas will be celebrated in early February.

Despite the doctrine of papal infallibility, the Church of Rome has accepted that Pope Gregory XIII blew it back in 1582 when he decreed his new calendar. Christmas and New Year’s should never have been jammed together at the end of the year. Read the full story

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The War on Kwanzaa


I went into a Kroger’s today, and not one person wished me a Fruitful Kwanzaa….when i went to the WalMart to pick up some tasty steaks, again, not one Fruitful Kwanzaa….what is up with that? Have we come to such a place in this country that chain stores are so afraid of “political correctness” that they tell their employers not to wish anyone a Fruitful Kwanzaa and replace it with the Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays greeting instead?

I called Fox Noise and told them this was another example of political correctness run amok, and they told me they had way too many other petty things to bitch about to care about some half-african seasonal greeting and that maybe if i want to hear somebody wish me a Fruitful Kwanzaa I should park my happy ass on the next plane heading back to Africa.

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Christmas Caroling Obviously Banned as “Offensive”


Oh yes, Christmas is coming, just around the corner in fact. The Festive Season of Peace on Earth and Good Will to all Men.

So, are we all prepared for an evening’s visit from our local Church group’s carol singers? Mince pies and mulled wine at the ready, along with a handful of shiny silver coins for the collection tin?

Er – actually no – the Spirit of Xmas, under new E-USSR ‘Scrooge’ legislation and personal household security guidelines, has gone the way of the dinosaur and is deader than the Dodo. Read the full story

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Posted in PoliticsComments (2)

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