Tag Archive | "trickle-down economics"

Top Economists Sagely Call for Wholly Unfundable War


WASHINGTON – Several leading economists have recently called for war as the best means to solve the world’s six-year old economic crisis.

Nobel-nominated economist Karl Strauss of the University of Chicago stated: “War is the time-honored cure for economic stagnation.”

RIGHT: New-on-the-scene economics wunderkind Karl Strauss is not speculated by any to be Frank Luntz in Groucho Marx glasses.

Strauss elaborated: “War is an important variable within geopolitical game theory. Ideally, the President would choose a war that would cause perpetual–yet controlled–wars, such as those described in George Orwell’s 1984. Controlled wars are the best wars for the long-term health of the economy, as well as for maintaining national unity.”

Other economists praised Karl Strauss.

Fellow University of Chicago economist Igor Strauss agreed, writing in the Chicago Times that “Karl Strauss is a genius, representing the best in a school of great economists.”

“It’s been a long time since the last major war. It would be healthy for the economy.”

“It’s an economic truism that only World War II ended the Great Depression in America. The New Deal accomplished nothing.”

“But as economists, we avoid attaching moral labels such as ‘good’ or ‘evil” to war. Wars are just like any other economic phenomenon to be studied, preferably from within a comfortable university setting and at a safe distance from any actual death, bloodshed, or poor people.”

Adolph Strauss, also of the University of Chicago, praised his colleagues Karl Strauss and Igor Strauss, and critiqued those “worthless progressives” who have called for a “New New Deal”: massive infrastructure projects to repair America’s crumbling bridges, roads, train stations and airports.

“Some worthless progressives may call for a ‘New New Deal’ to put people back to work, but we feel it is better to stay the course, to use our drone technology to destroy the outdated infrastructure in other countries, and then to rebuild the destroyed nations in our own image.”

“Either way America gets to benefit both from the destruction and the rebuilding of each nation that we are liberating. That is very efficient. And good for the economy.”

Some also see war as a good way to fill the hole left in the world’s media attention, now that the universally beloved World Cup football tournament is over.

“The summer would be insufferably boring without a fresh war,” says Professor Stanley Tellman, economist at Gotham University. “I can’t wait.”

“War will be great for the economy,” agreed Professor John Churchill of Oxford. “Never before have so many poor people had it so good for so long. The time has come to act, to get the sausage-grinders into action, cull the herd a bit. It’s good for the economy.”

Venerable Republican politicians agree with these top economists.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney thinks that entering a war against Russia is “a fantastic idea that will solve a lot of our problems. Remember: what is good for our Perpetual War Portfolio is good for the American people.”

“Frankly, anybody against going to war right now is an idiot,” concluded former President and renowned painting anti-hero George W. Bush, “War is always good for America.”

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Welcome to the Hotel Post-Bush Tax Cuts


Discount hotel chains nationwide plan to leave the light on for a new breed of budget-conscious traveler—America’s most wealthy citizens.

After Dr. Hamilton Lempert, a Cincinnati emergency room doctor, conveyed to NPR that expiration of the Bush tax cuts at the end of this year would result in a $20,000 personal tax hit and cause him “ … to decide what to do for vacation …”, economy hotels immediately blitzed advertising campaigns targeting the nouveau deprived.

For those for whom “A Little Rain Must Fall”, Super 88 plans installation of rainfall shower heads in all hotels located off the Interstate highways. Read the full story

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Mitt Romney Interview Accidentally Ruined by Candor


Recently I had a dream that one of my publications was big enough and safe enough that I could get an interview with Mitt Romney. The thought of someone having enough access and gravitas to actually ask a hard question is indeed “just a dream”, but the following interview gets pretty close.

Derek Johnstone is an Urban Outfitter-attired 30-something hipster from Seattle, and he’s the associate editor of “Like, Whatever” Magazine… the quotation marks are part of the title, meant apparently to be ironic.

Johnstone was brought in to consult the campaign on how to win over the independent vote, and what follows is their exchange.

Mitt Romney – [sarcastically] Boy, you really dressed up for this meeting, didn’t you?

Derek Johnstone – See, that’s the problem. Just like telling the people in single-use ponchos they “really sprung for the big bucks.” You failed the first test independents care about, you’re a condescending a**hole.

Romney – Look, I don’t appreciate that kind of language.

Johnstone – And you failed the second test. You’re a fuddy-duddy. Like when you called the cops on those people smoking pot on the beach.

Romney – I don’t have to deal with this guy.

Johnstone – And you failed another test. You can’t disengage just because it’s not convenient.

Romney – Are we finished here?

Johnstone – Why are you running for president?

Romney – This meeting is over.

Johnstone – Wrong. Fail. Try again. Why are you running for president?

Romney – Because I have a vision that will lead this country forward–

Johnstone–Really? Because that’s not how you’re running your campaign. You’re running like you’re entitled to be president and you’re just waiting for the huddled masses to come around and realize it.

Romney – My experience–

Johnstone – Which experience? As governor, CEO or just your individual success story, because we’re not allowed to talk about any of those. You’ve got the [Salt Lake City] Olympics but you gaffed that up, not to mention that we can’t talk about it either. You just shut us down and say we’re supposed to focus on the economy.

Romney – But the economy is in serious trouble.

Johnstone – Right, and nothing you have proposed will fix that. You’ve already convinced the base, but just wishing hard enough isn’t going to convince independents that the policies that put America in trouble in the first place are somehow magically going to pull us back out of them.

Romney – But [independents] don’t know what my policies are.

Johnstone – Right, because you haven’t actually stood up for anything except the Ryan plan, which is at best a disaster and at worst a looting of the treasury to benefit the super-rich.

Romney – We need to take action, and fast, if we’re going to take back America.

Johnstone – Take it back from whom, exactly? Take it back to where? Most of us are better off now than we were when Bush left office.

Romney – We need to take it back to balanced budgets, for one thing.

Johnstone – How are you going to do that?

Romney – Well I’ll meet with top policy advisers and come up with–

Johnstone –You won’t tell us your policies? It’s kind of a big deal. It’s kind of the whole deal. You won’t tell us your policies, you won’t release your tax returns, you won’t let us talk about Bain or your time in Massachusetes. What’s left that we’re actually aloud to talk about, what you say on the campaign trail?

Romney – The media has been very unfair to me out there.

Johnstone – Grow up. They’ve been easy on you to make it look like a closer race because that sells newspapers. They haven’t called you out as a liar for your constant flip-flops and outright fabrications.

Romney – Are you calling me a liar?

Johnstone – No, I’m saying the sky is green. Get real. You lie constantly. Let me show you by asking you a favor. I’m coming into some money soon from an inheritance, tax-free, mind you. What should I invest it in?

Romney – Blue chip stocks are always a safe bet. Maybe an Index Mutual Fund.

Johnstone – So you admit that all my pennies from heaven shouldn’t be used to create jobs. The whole deal where you call rich people “job creators” is a lie and everybody knows it. Me having extra cash I don’t need and dumping it in Coca-Cola or Home Depot is good for me and my money, but it won’t create a single job.

Romney – I think we’re finished here.

Johnstone – If you can’t have a frank discussion with one independent, how can you ever expect to win the votes from any of us?

[end]

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Tax Cuts Will Allow Average Americans to Own Luxury Vehicles


Car makers across the board are reporting hikes in recent sales, with higher-end models doing their fair share of business as well. So it is no surprise that with the news that the Bush tax cuts will most likely be extended, corporate head honchos are placing their orders for luxury new vehicles for themselves and family members.

Lest we think the tax cuts will only benefit Ritchie Rich, however, let’s try and understand how the purchase of new luxury vehicles will benefit the rest of Americans. A lesson in trickle-down is in order. Read the full story

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