Tag Archive | "Terrorist"

Millions Mourn South African Terrorist


JOHANNESBURG – With wails running free across the air, millions of grieving humans gathered in Sandton Square on Friday afternoon to mourn the passing of a great and respected national terrorist from South Africa.

Participants interviewed expressed an almost uniform admiration for the late terrorist, with many fighting back an outpour of their emotions.

“He was just so perfect,” said tourist Jean Paul Golddollar between a tear-soaked handkerchief. “No matter how much the Western governments tried, they failed to extinguish his drive to kill innocent people.” Read the full story

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Edward Snowden Warns: National Security Agency (NSA) Is Watching You Masturbate


Government whistleblower Edward Snowden warned US citizens today that the NSA has confiscated the cameras of all computers and they are surreptitiously watching all Americans masturbate.

“Even when you don’t think you’re online or even when your computer is turned off the US government is watching you and keeping a record of your activities”, the activist claimed. “When you masturbate you should keep the camera away from where they might see you!”

NSA officials were quick to deny Snowden’s report. “That’s ridiculous!” said NSA Director Keith Alexander. “The only people we watch masturbating are suspected terrorists, felons suspected of terrorist activities and others who may become terrorists!”

Some Americans claim they have seen NSA monitoring them. Ms. Paula Glasscock, a secretary from the law firm of Hoar & Hoar, was masturbating while watching a video on a popular porn site when a video image of an NSA agent popped onto her screen. “The man on the screen said, ‘shit, I accidentally turned my camera on’, then the screen went back to normal!” she stated. “And it was just as I was approaching the big O!”

Alexander neither confirmed nor denied the report but did say, “the law firm Ms. Glasscock works for does business with another law firm that has ties to a company that sells to a business that buys products from Pakistan, a country known for terrorist activities. We may or may not have been have been surreptitiously monitoring her to assure she does not engage in terrorist activities”.

Snowden claims the NSA has hundreds of thousands of videos of people masturbating from Skype, Google, Facebook and dozens of other services.

“If they don’t want us to see them masturbating then don’t masturbate!” concluded Alexander.

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Non-Muslims worry about backlash following attack by non-Muslim


Note from Barb Weir: The following is a “guest” piece from another budding journalist, Per Voerstinker. I hope to receive more from this writer.

Following the brutal murder of a Pakistani British man in London, the internet abounds with fears of backlash against the non-Muslim community. Shared through Twitter and Facebook, non-Muslims throughout the world have been repeating their concerns: “Oh God, please don’t let the perpetrator be a non-Muslim”.

RIGHT: Non-Muslim terrorism. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Domestic Terrorists Enraged Over Foreigners Taking Their Jobs


BAGGS, WYOMING- Notable domestic terror organizations are taking offence to the recent terror activities perpetrated by immigrants. These domestic terror organizations are characterized by their preference of white superiority and characterization of Jesus as a blue eyed, blond haired savior.

Their concerns have risen over the intolerable acts committed by Dzokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev, the brothers whose family emigrated from Kyrgyzstan when they were young. Read the full story

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Drones kill more people with fewer casualties


U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham, who is a member of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, revealed to a North Carolina Rotary Club last Thursday that CIA drones had achieved 4700 targeted assassinations (to use the Israeli term), mostly in the last few years. His office was not answering inquiries, perhaps because the figures are considered a secret. However, this reporter was able to reach one committee member that agreed to speak on condition of anonymity, to whom I shall refer as Sen. Flimsy Grime for this report.

RIGHT: Sen. Lindsey Graham gives the heads up. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Israeli Forces Arrest 1-year-old Palestinian Terrorist


Alert Israeli forces yesterday thwarted a potential terrorist attack by a 1-year-old Palestinian. The terrorist, Qamar Awad, was among nineteen arrested on land in the south Hebron hills that is in the process of being liberated from Palestinians. I spoke to the Israeli commander of the operation, Captain Ramit Dan-Dertroht.

RIGHT: Israeli Captain Ramit Dan-Detroht arrests 1-year-od Palestinian terrorist Qamar Awad in the south Hebron hills. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Hamas: Weapons are being smuggled into Israel


The Hamas government in Gaza is charging that weapons are being smuggled into Israel. “We are doing our best to blockade Israel and prevent everything except low-nutrition food and minimal medical supplies from entering,” said spokesperson Jehad al-Muqawama “but regardless of our efforts, they are still getting dangerous weapons that are being used to attack us. Read the full story

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Suicide Bomber Gets Inspiration From Honey Boo Boo


TAIZZ, YEMEN- A suicide bomber was inspired to carry out acts of in excusable violence after the TLC affiliate in Yemen carried an episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

Il-Sha’if Musaad is a 27 year old engineering grad student who never necessarily saw himself as a terrorist.

In an interview, taped in the Yemen rural countryside on a hand held camera, Il-Sha’if said “I never really thought this would be a proper vocation for me. Actually, I thought I might some day live in America and enjoy the incalculable wealth every one hates. That is, until I saw this blasphemous filth.” Read the full story

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Brutal, Merciless Shooting Thankfully Not Linked to Terrorism


NEW YORK, NY – A brutal shooting that recently left 2 people dead and several wounded outside the Empire State Building is not believed to be linked to terrorism, say relieved news sources.

Even though 11 people were wounded after the gunman killed a former co-worker with a gunshot to the head, it has been confirmed that no one in the vicinity – including numerous lucky police officers, residents and tourists – was, at any point, terrorized by the perpetrator. Read the full story

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History’s Largest Manhunt Over, Waldo Dead


Aden- The largest manhunt in the war on terror finally comes to a close. Waldo, a.k.a. Wally, Veli, or Al’ Shabaz Mussa Shadif was an American citizen who notably sympathized with Al Quaeda insurgency groups and became an intellectual leader in the movement.

The manhunt started after the U.S. withdrew support of the Mujahideen in Afghanistan, a “slight to the struggle of the Islamic people” by the “imperialists of Washington,” quoted from videos recorded by Waldo while in hiding.

Waldo then took a leadership role in the anti-American activities conducted in the region. Intelligence reports state that Waldo would “hide random objects in various public spaces, most often found by children.” While agencies “would have to redirect focus to find all of these hidden objects before attention could be given on Waldo himself.” These reports also explain how Waldo would taunt law enforcement by “listing how many of these varied objects were hidden in a particular location.”

Although no evidence could be connected with Waldo and specific acts of terrorism, “we know he had a certain level of involvement and an administrative role,” says Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff U.S Army General Martin E. Dempsey.

The search ended when notable Special Forces group, Navy Seal Team 6, carried out a daring night time raid and assassinated the terrorist. Also killed in the raid were Waldo’s wife Wenda, second in command Odlaw, and loyal companion Woof. This raid was conducted soon after the use of predator drones to bomb and kill Wizard Whitebeard at a remote training facility in Pakistan.

According to unnamed sources, the ability to ascertain Waldo’s precise whereabouts were coordinated with Facebook. Facebook was able to help the Central Intelligence Agency with their facial recognition technology, a crucial element to find the seemingly ordinary looking terrorist.

Director of the CIA David Patreas stated that “Wizard Whitebeard was one thing, he fit the profile. Waldo was another case.” He went on to say “Let’s not lose sight of the real victory here, we are keeping Americans safe. The collaborative work of the CIA, Military, and private industry should be applauded.”

The orders to follow through with the assassination came from the president’s office. Barack Obama consented to the infiltration once intelligence reports came back from the precise whereabouts of the known terrorist.

Obama announced that, “justice has finally been served. No longer will American children have to sleep at night wondering where this mad man is. No longer will they have to question if the government can keep them safe from these hidden menaces. We can reassure them that even if a terrorist is hiding on a movie set, a crowded beach, a coven of vampires, or even in what would seem like and endless sea of Waldos, we will find them and kill them.”

A recent member of Seal Team 6, whose identity must be kept a secret, has received much scrutiny for lambasting remarks against President Obama.

He said in an interview, “Obama didn’t kill Waldo, we did. He’s taking credit for the hard work conducted by our servicemen. Our ability to discern whether the target was in fact Waldo or a strategically placed barber’s pole was on our backs.”

Although this would seem like a major victory in the War on Terror, Whitehouse, Pentagon, and CIA officials argue that there are still threats to freedom that still exist in the world. With the death of Waldo and his compatriots, the highest priority to international security agencies is Carmen SanDiego. With her whereabouts still unknown, her ability to elude law enforcement is unprecedented.

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Iraqi Suicide Bombers Struggle Forming a Union


Today union minded Iraqis formed Suicide Bombers Locale #467 in Baghdad but had to promptly look for a new union hall as a couple of the members brought their work in with them.

Sitting outside the smoldering building the surviving members passed an ordinance stating that all bombs in the future must be left outside the front door along with their shoes when entering. The lone dissenting voter was beheaded. Read the full story

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Freaking Journalist Agitates Candidates, Deemed “Terrorist”


Police are on the look out for a rouge freelance journalist suspected of reckless disregard of media protocol and assault with a rhetorical question. The unknown journalist first struck at a Romney campaign stop in New Hampshire and asked about rumors of undisclosed offshore wealth. Read the full story

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Al-Qaeda Choice for Bin Laden Replacement Rocks!


Al-Qaeda made a major announcement this week, promoting Ayman al-Zawahiri to fill its Chief Terrorist Officer post, a role that has been vacant since the death of its long-time leader, Osama bin Laden.

Al-Zawahiri’s greatest challenge will be convincing critics and diehard al-Qaeda purists that he is the right terrorist to fill bin Laden’s shoes.

“This is exactly like when a famous band gets a new lead singer. You have to win people over. Genesis, Van Halen, AC/DC – they all changed front men and still churned out the hits,” says music critic, Dean Branch. Read the full story

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Bin Laden’s Home Video “Bloopers” Found


Among the hoard of video footage found in Osama Bin Laden’s hideout were a number of out-takes and blooper tapes, it was revealed today. These tapes are a mixture of mistakes by Bin Laden himself while talking directly to camera and practical jokes he played on members of his entourage.

CIA analysts examining the tapes say that this new evidence has proved very useful in tracking down his terrorist network, as well as being “laugh-out-loud funny.” Read the full story

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Campaigning underway in Al Qaeda leadership race


ISLAMABAD – [Glossy News] – The recent demise of Osama Bin Laden has left a vacuum at the heart of Al Qaeda, the world’s foremost terrorist organization.

There is no shortage of ambitious would-be Public Enemy Number One’s to fill the void however, and they are currently jostling for position in what has been dubbed the “Race to the Shite House.” Read the full story

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New Video from Al Qaeda Claims Idiot Bomber Not Theirs


Somewhere in Cave – A new video has been released by Al Jazeera that they claim has come directly from Osama bin Ladin in which bin Ladin emphatically states that in no way was the recent attempted NY bombing the work of one of its operatives.

Bin Ladin specifically refers to the way the “bomb” was put together by saying that the training their operatives receive don’t involve the use of that much duct tape. In fact, bin Ladin goes so far as to say that if he didn’t know better, he’d think this guy got his training by watching the American show “America’s Dumbest Criminals.” Read the full story

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