Tag Archive | "tea party"

The Tea Party’s bold plans to eliminate the debt completely by December 17th


Earlier this month, after a long and contentious fight between Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, our federal government narrowly avoided its first-ever credit default. People all over the world waited anxiously to find out whether our elected officials were going to voluntarily inflict economic suicide on the nation. In the final nail-biting hours, they reached a compromise to avert disaster – much to the bitter disappointment of every Tea Party member in America. Read the full story

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Geithner Quits in Preparation for Jersey Shore


Under heavy pressure, mainly from the freshman Tea Party Representatives, Timothy Geithner admitted that while his August 2nd deadline for raising the debt ceiling was not arbitrary, it was hardly fiscally driven.

Geithner acknowledged that after August 2nd, his full attention would turn to preparing for the Jersey Shore Season 4 premier and did not want to have to be “doing math and nerdy shit while Pauly D crushes pussy.” Geithner, a known MTV afficionado, has spent the past 2 years developing an elaborate, 48-hour ritual to ready himself for the premier. Luckily he has given us exclusive access of his schedule to. Read the full story

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Adam Lambert Spelled Backwards is Difficult to Pronounce


Most people have not taken the time to wonder what would happen if you spelled Adam Lambert’s name backwards. Mostly because it doesn’t really spell anything. Trebmal Mada may be a word in a foreign language. It could translate to ‘working giant jungle cat.’ We simply do not know. Read the full story

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Brewing Iowa’s GOPTea Straw Poll


AMES, IA —GlossyNews The Iowa GOPTea party Straw Poll August 13th will be the more unusual considering the political times it will record. GOPTea Chairman Matt Strawn, one-N-short-of-namesaking the Iowa Straw Poll, announced today that the listing of candidates will be quite unique in 2011, as it will be a ballot with 10 blank name-spaces. Read the full story

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Palin Giving up Presidential Dream to Become Web Designer


Sarah Palin announced today that she will be giving up a life of politics in favor of pursuing her true passion. The decision comes shortly after J.K. Rowling announced her new website Potterworld.

Many will remember that in 1997, a young Palin penned the novel “Harry Potterwitz: And The Prisoner of the Jewish Faith” but was unable to publish after Ms. Rowling beat her to the punch with the publication of her first Harry Potter book. Palin was outraged that a book on witchcraft prevented her publishing her proselytizing Christian tale and vowed never to be scooped again by Rowling. Read the full story

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Joe Biden Takes on Fatherly Role at Debt Ceiling Talks


Vice President Joe Biden is using a unique approach when it comes to dealing with the petulant freshman Senators who aren’t budging an inch on the debt ceiling talks. Treating them like his sons, he has taken on a fatherly role in trying to convince them to come to some sort of agreement on how to get the budget crisis under control. Read the full story

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Santorum is Definitely ‘In It To Win It’


GMA NEW YORK —GlossyNews “We stood up and didn’t back away. We told everyone, ‘We’re In It to Win It,’ and we didn’t back down. Really, we didn’t back down,” former Senator Rick Santorum said. No one was standing next to him as he spoke at this televised pre-announcement press conference to announce his decision to have a presidential campaign kick-off press conference. Read the full story

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Palin Getting Passed Around Like ‘Moonshine at a Hoedown’


Fur started to fly just hours after Michele Bachmann publicly announced that Sarah Palin would be her top choice for VP in the 2012 presidential elections. This announcement came on the heels of her expected announcement to officially seek the GOP nomination for President in 2012.

When a reporter asked her, “Do you have any clue whom you might want to run alongside you if you do get the GOP nod?” Bachmann didn’t hesitate. Read the full story

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GOP Debate Recap: Non-Candidates with Non-Answers (5 of 7)


DE BATE, NEW HAMPSHIRE —BobZaguy Even if you haven’t been following our recent series, you may know that recently, seven of the leading extremists of the Tea Party Republicans masterfully debated in New Hampshire.

Two hours is a long time to have to sit and watch, even if playing buzzword bingo as a drinking game. For your convenience, Read the full story

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Ron Paul in Fight for GOP Nutjob Vote


Repeat offender presidential candidate Ron Paul now faces an unexpected threat, according to sources close to the campaign. There may be somebody in the race who is crazier than him.

On electoral issues, veterans say ‘a year is a decade.’ That proverb is especially validated in 2011, a landscape vastly different from the previous presidential contest. Read the full story

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Tea Party Rejects Alligator Moat Concession


Posted by your South America correspondents Maria and Consuela Lopez – GlossyNews.com In his first major speech on immigration reform, President Obama proved in El Paso he has now learned how to piss off everybody at the same time.

We Latinos are a more pragmatic people than you’d think, and Mr. Obama’s new proposal does have its merits, if it seemed deliverable. Read the full story

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Federal Workforce May Have Topped 3-Million, or Maybe Not


Washington DC – GlossyNews.com – According to the most recent government data available, Uncle Sam’s civilian workforce may have topped 3 million as of March 1, 2010, says spokeswoman Audrey Slaberman.

“This is a truly remarkable achievement,” says Slaberman, “that over the course of the worst economic downturn in eighty years the federal bureaucracy continued to put on fat just as it did in the previous upturn. Presidents come and go all claiming they will slenderize this insatiable beast but it just grows and grows.” Read the full story

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President Obama Offers up Authentic Treasure Map to Throw Off Birther Scent


The quest for definitive evidence that Barack Obama was born (or not born) in the United States is heating up once again. This time, it is millionaire Donald Trump (or billionaire if you’re asking Trump himself) who is leading the scavenger hunt. Tired of all of the hubbub about where he was born, the President is finally taking matters into his own hands by offering up an authentic treasure map to throw Trump off the birther scent. Read the full story

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Government Unexpectedly Shut Down by Whiplash Epidemic


People who earn horse choking sums by predicting events that never come to pass find themselves choking in light of the current government shutdown.

Consensus among pundits had predicted an imminent budget showdown due to efforts of Democrats eager to portray the GOP as heartless, and freshmen Republicans ready to demonstrate their budget cutting bona fides. Nobody foresaw that government shutdown would come due to the hospitalization of the entire Senate and House of Representatives. Read the full story

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GOP Considers Rebranding as “Social Tea Party”


Des Moines, IA —GLOSSY NEWS With 2011 barely into its 4th month, House Tea Party Caucus leader Michele Bachmann whipped her Iowa audience into a frenzy over light bulbs, gay marriage and abortion with her stump “Social Conservatism is Physical Conservatism” keynote address.

She finished by advocating giving the GOP a new name and then said it must become the Social Tea Party. The name change was unanimously ratified by the 130 Iowans who paid to attend, thus trashing forever the old time party names, Republican and GOP. Read the full story

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Real Patriots Versus Pretentious Patriots


The term traitor has taken on new connotations in recent years. Once meant to determine someone who has with serious and direct intent caused damage to a nation or its inhabitants; the recent mutation of its meaning is to indicate anyone who says anything against the wishes of those in power, especially prevalent during the Cheney domination. Read the full story

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