Tag Archive | "tea party"

Allen West concedes defeat– “All I want to do is dance.”


TALLAHASSEE–Allen West conceded today that life was way too short to sit back and count votes.

The defeated GOP incumbent congressman from Florida has decided instead to toss the political towel to newly elected Patrick Murphy, Democrat, freeing West to follow his life dream to become a member of the official University of Florida dance team, the Dazzlers. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (2)

Tea Party Member Breaks Ranks and Votes for Self-interest


In a surprising move, Tea Party member Wright Wing admitted that he decided to break ranks and vote for Barack Obama for president.

“Believe me, I had no intention of voting for Obama,” said Mr. Wing. “But when I sat down and actually read the campaign literature from both sides, I realized that voting Democratic was in my best interests.”

Like most Tea Partiers, Wing had previously relied on his gut instinct and advice from supposedly reliable sources like Rush Limbaugh and the Koch Brothers. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (3)

Open Letter to House Republicans; It’s Time to Compromise


Listen guys, you still govern us, so I’m counting on you. No, We The American People are counting on you. We need real reform, and your party is in the position of power that can make that happen, so we beg you to help us, the little guys, instead of your faceless, often nameless, non-human financial sponsors.

Right: Republican Leaders showing a standard lobbyist-hosted lunch bill. (CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE)

I know when Obama was first elected your sole goal was to make him a one-term president and we can all see how well that worked out. So please don’t send the economy onto the frothy rocks just to make a political point. Obama is a judo master and he’ll turn it against you… but if you help America, you can get re-elected, or at least stop hiding when you go home to your districts. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (1)

Senator McCain Makes Preparations for Acceptance Speech


GlossyNews.com – In what many in the Washington beltway press are calling “just a little bit weird”, the office of Senator John McCain has sent out a press release this morning announcing his intent to hold a victory celebration for his election to president later this evening at the Motel 6 in downtown Phoenix. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (2)

Joe Walsh (R-IL) Yells At Voters, What Is Freakin’ Wrong With You?


GlossyNews.com – Illinois one term congressman Joe Walsh created a spectacle outside a rural voting precinct this morning when he lashed out at several voters who snickered at him after voting for his opponent.

The congressman, never known for being balanced in policy or mentally, finally tired of the constant ridicule from his constituents and started taunting them for not voting for him. Several people were extremely offended by his off-color language and impressively racist statements. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

Tea Party Raptured, Republican Leadership Abandons Christianity


GlossyNews.com – Every member of the Tea Party, Tea Party Patriots, National Tea Party Federation, Nationwide Tea Part Coalition and the People’s Front of Judea has disappeared without a trace.

Incidentally, sources in the Horn of Africa have reported the inexplicable appearance of several million loud, extremely irate, mostly diabetic and stark naked white people outside of a small village 80 miles to the west of Mogadishu. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (4)

Corpse Still Warm; Ryan 2016 Campaign Underway


GlossyNews.com – Paul Ryan, never one to let an opportunity to flex for a camera or let an opportunity to advance his career pass him by, has been doing more than campaigning for Romney… he’s been campaigning for himself; for 2016.

Paul Ryan is well known for running Marathon races in hours less than he actually did, having body fat much lower than he actually does, and furrowing his brow right up to his Eddy Munster widow’s peak like few others could. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (1)

The Tea Party Fat Lady in the Closet


I once viewed the Tea Party as the Paul Potts of politics, supported by ordinary people a bit rough around the edges, yet capable of great accomplishments.

Potts, an unassuming man who sold mobile phones for a living, stood solo on the stage of a British variety show and with a talent unexpected of someone so seemingly mainstream, belted out an exquisite operatic aria before a dumbstruck audience.

The we’re- just-regular-folk Tea Party supporters popped up on this country’s stage in much the same way, out of nowhere but from our everywhere, singing angry discontent for a government tone deaf to the people’s wants and needs.

Any semblance ends on that note. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (5)

Tea Party Demonstrators Call For Lower Taxes, Smaller Vocabulary


WASHINGTON D.C. – Throughout a rousing rally on Capitol Hill Tuesday, hundreds of Tea Party demonstrators – voicing their disapproval of Barack Obama’s presidency – championed the idea of lowering taxes and downsizing the nation’s vocabulary.

Speaking over a bullhorn, Tea Party stalwart Terry Higgins gave a damning criticism of what he perceived as the Obama administration’s attempt to expand the size of the national lexicon, with repeated use of words like “vitriolic,” “insatiable,” and “rationale.” Read the full story

Share

Posted in News In Your Briefs, PoliticsComments (1)

Florida AG Pam Bondi’s Long Beautiful Hair


TAMPA – Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi speaks before the Republican National Convention this week on the subject of a whisper campaign.

Will she or won’t she?

Known for her gleaming blonde hair and barback good looks, the rumor is Ms. Bondi will formally announce her acceptance of a multi-million dollar Clairol contract during her fifteen minutes of GOP fame.

RIGHT: This is actually her. We’re not making this up, it really is.

Ronald Reagan was the last Republican politician associated with the company best known for hair color products. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (4)

Tea Party’s Bold Plans to Eliminate the Debt Completely by Dec. 17th – Conclusion


Previously, I shared with you some bold new initiatives planned by America’s leading Tea Party politicians to wipe out the entire US Debt before the end of the year.

Think of it as a gigantic Christmas present to America from the Tea Party (so long as you’re not elderly, disabled, poor, a member of a labor union, Muslim or, worse yet, gay).

You can read Part I of this series here, where you will learn about brilliant ideas put forth by some of the brightest stars in the Tea Party caucus of Congress to save trillions in wasteful spending in the areas of healthcare, education, and financial regulatory reform.

As brilliant as those thoughtful plans are, I’ve saved the best of the best for this week’s conclusion. So let’s get started, shall we? Here are some even more brilliant debt-reduction schemes waiting to be implemented by the Tea Party-controlled Congress* (a wholly-owned subsidiary of Koch Brothers Industries*).

Kentucky’s Tea Party Senator Rand Paul has a daring new solution to the unemployment crisis: Ship all of America’s unemployed to Mexico. Speaking briefly yesterday to a gathering of people dressed like Ben Franklin, Paul said, “Let’s be honest. Most of these people stopped looking for work eight months ago. Now they are just draining the coffers of our states’ unemployment insurance plans. It’s not like any of them is going to get a decent-paying job any time soon.”

Paul’s innovative cost-cutting plan will ship anyone over the age of 21 (age 25 if you’re married with children) who has been unemployed for more than five months to Guadalajara, Mexico. Paul is confident that with American workers’ superior education, training and competitive dental hygiene, they are sure to shine in Mexico’s robust job market – leapfrogging over most Mexicans as they compete for jobs as textile factory workers, fruit pickers, and, if lucky, drug mules.

South Carolina’s Tea Party Congressman Joe “YOU LIE” Wilson, has recently proposed his own ingenious plan to shave trillions off of our national debt – by shaving off trillions of acres off of America.

“Let’s face it,” said Wilson to a gathering of men and women dressed up like  Abraham Lincoln recently. “Several states like California, Oregon, Washington, New York and Massachusetts have made a mockery of America’s heartland values.” He went on to denounce these radically leftwing blue states for routinely taunting America’s small town moral majority.

Wilson’s plan eliminates countless national debt-related problems caused by the presence of leftwing liberals, gays, unionized teachers and Bill Maher once and for all – by unilaterally seceding any state from the Union which is deemed morally bankrupt – as determined by a phone-in poll of  Rush Limbaugh radio listeners.

Wilson’s “Most of America First” plan will save what’s left of our nation after the secession trillions of dollars in healthcare costs and unemployment benefits, not to mention substantially reducing the number of frivolous civil rights lawsuits from gays – in part because most of them won’t technically be living in our country anymore. In response to angry complaints from residents of California and New York who expressed outrage that this unilateral secessionary move was unfair and unconstitutional, Representative Wilson shouted back, “Repeat after me, rest of America: ‘Not my problem.’ “

Finally, in a bold display of patriotism and compromise with his Democratic colleagues across the aisle,  Iowa Representative Steve King, normally a staunch opponent of taxes and reason, is sponsoring groundbreaking tax legislation:

“The government shall levy a 25% federal income surtax on anyone who appears to be Muslim or speaks Arabic fluently – 35% if  ‘Mohammed’ appears anywhere in their name or they insist on wearing burkas.”

At a press conference, Representative King asserted that his tax proposal, the complete text of which appears above, needed no further explanation nor justification. Amen, Congressman. Amen.

King then abruptly left in his private Learjet for a round of golf at Pebble Beach with the Koch brothers and House Speaker Boehner, where they plan to discuss ways to eliminate Social Security for anyone earning less than $150,000 a year.

I applaud our inspirational Tea Party leaders. They are passionate about their beliefs and they stick to their guns (often literally). I know of no other political group in our nation’s history that has ever had such titanic aspirations for our country. I can’t imagine there could be any icebergs ahead.

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (3)

Tea Party’s Bold Plans to Eliminate the Debt Completely by December 17th


Last summer, after a long and contentious fight between Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, our federal government narrowly avoided its first-ever credit default.

People all over the world waited anxiously to find out whether our elected officials were going to voluntarily inflict economic suicide on the nation. In the final nail-biting hours, they reached a compromise to avert disaster – much to the bitter disappointment of every Tea Party member in America. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (3)

Florida Gov. Rick Scott Steps Down Citing Medical Reasons


TALLAHASSEE — Florida Gov. Rick Scott stepped down today as leader of the Sunshine State after confidential reports surfaced, which we will not share. These private, personal, legally protected documents, which are confidential, prove the governor withheld a 2008 diagnosis of adult Asperger Disorder from voters.

Lt. Governor Jennifer Carroll was immediately sworn into office as Florida’s 46th governor. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (11)

Republicans Not Sure Which Grover to Follow, Norquist or the Muppet


Republican lawmakers have been pretty gung ho these past couple years to sign the Taxpayer Protection Pledge penned by Conservative Lobbyist and smarmy ringleader, Grover Norquist. The pledge essentially requires a “no” vote on any tax increase, especially on the wealthiest of taxpayers, known best for their long-disproved “tinkle-down” economic theory. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

Gingrich Charged With Felonious Photoshopping


WASHINGTON DC –GlossyNews Newt Gingrich, politician and part-time front runner in the GOPTea™ presidential race, has been charged with “the gravest, most evil transgression that humanity has ever been subjected to.” An activist group claims Mr. Gingrich has been illegally sending out fundamentally photoshopped images of himself for many years. They present the attached photo as proof of the egregious offense. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (2)

Why Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann Could Never Be Democrats


Really I don’t understand why so many Liberals I have lots of admiration for get kinda ‘mouth foamy’ at the mention of Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann. My liberal friends seem to genuinely despise those two women. Myself, I don’t really hate anybody. Except for the guy who did that ‘Pina Colada” song; he should be water boarded. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (13)

Page 2 of 612345...Last »
Glossy News Exclusive Exposés


-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



Glossy News Fake Commercials!





Glossy News Podcast


(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)


More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Our Top Authors (last 30-days)



All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial