Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brasil (NovedadesGlossy) US opening weekend, the new Oliver Stone documentary grossed $21,545. Don’t let that low gross fool you; this film is highly gross. It’s grosser than naked pictures of Woody Allen.

The movie is Mr. Stone running around South America talking to politicians. Talk, talk, talk and it goes on for hours like that! Oh sure, there’s a little bit about some villages getting electricity, and that is a great thing. When I imagine those poor girls living in villages without blow driers, it about makes me cry. Don’t be thinking there’s much of that in ‘South of the Border’ though. It’s mostly ugly fat guys talking. Read the full story

Lima, Peru (GlossyNewsSA) — Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.

Slime weasel Joran van der Sloot has been handed over to Peruvian authorities, because he finally killed a chica where there wasn’t no deep water around. Wait until they get his little preppy murdering butt into Lurigancho, that’ll serve him right.

See? Our cousin Arturo was in Lurigancho over a miscarriage of justice several years back. Some evil person probably from Al Qaeda hid $75,000 and four kilos of Cocaine in the gas tank of Arturo’s ride. So we know from him what that prison is like. They have conjugal visits every day, but no girls allowed, ha ha ha. Arturo still sits down slowly! Read the full story

South America (GlossyNews) — Industry insiders are saying reclusive, mysterious media titan Brian K. White has struck again, in his seemingly relentless march to replace Rupert Murdoch as the planet’s leading purveyor of nonsense.

In the wake of famed journalist Blake Pennywhistle’s mysterious disappearance, White spoke to reporters today from a secure, undisclosed location. “Nobody will miss Blake more than I. It puts a hole in my heart that will forever be there, blah blah blah. I’m glad he’s not sending e-mail to my teenage daughter any more, I will say that. I don’t think space aliens abducted Blake, mostly because I don’t know what space aliens would want with $7358 in cash that seems to be missing. Read the full story

May 8, 2010: Posted from a secure, undisclosed location by Glossy News South American correspondent in hiding.

In a Glossy News exclusive, this reporter has learned most of the population of Brazil is concentrated in coastal areas, and the land mass is overwhelmingly some kind of rain forest or something.

Inland Brazil, which is really really big–you’d be surprised–offers no Wi-Fi access or good places to eat. Read the full story