Sen. Byrd’s Death Ruled Bizarre Act of Self Mutilation

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — West Virginia Sen. Robert Carlyle Byrd, the longest-serving member of Congress and the self-educated son of a coal miner, died Monday at age 92.

Byrd was born Cornelius Calvin Sale Jr. on November 20, 1917, in North Carolina. His mother died when he was a year old. His aunt and uncle, Titus and Vlurma Byrd, legally adopted him. A nine-term Democrat, Byrd was known as a master of the chamber’s often-arcane rules and as the self-proclaimed “champion of the Constitution,” a jealous guardian of congressional power.

He was also known as the “King of Pork,” using his appointment on the Senate Appropriations Committee to funnel federal spending to West Virginia, which has consistently ranked as one of the nation’s poorest states.

Byrd famously said, “Pork, to the critic, is service to the people who enjoy some of the good things in life, and I’ve been happy to bring to West Virginia the projects to which they refer. I have no apology for it.” However, to the detriment of his constituency, Byrd was literally referring to the other white meat and not federal dollars. Today, West Virginians are known as the highest numbering sufferers of trichinosis, which accounts for the region’s staggering mortality rate. That, along with almost daily mining disasters.

Byrd was also an outspoken opponent of the war in Iraq, calling his 2002 vote against a “blind and improvident” authorization of military action the proudest moment of his career. This was crucial because Byrd’s varied career was plagued by controversy. While he set two endurance records in Congress, he was only proud of one in the end — beating out former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (R-IL) in a pork eating contest. The other was for his 1964 filibuster against the Civil Rights Act. In an attempt to derail the law, he spoke for 14 hours and 13 minutes. He blamed his initial opposition to civil rights, which included membership in the Ku Klux Klan during the 1940s, on a regrettable indiscretion in his early political life, attributing the attitude to “that Southern atmosphere in which I grew up, with all of its prejudices and its feelings.”

It was no secret that Sen. Byrd had been dealing with serious health problems for some time. Recently, he told friends in Congress, “When I am dead and am opened they will find West Virginia written on my heart.”

The autopsy report released Monday afternoon confirmed the presence of that message etched into the senator’s left ventricle. The coroner issued this statement to the press:

“It’s not uncommon to discover some dementia in the elderly, and this accounts for bizarre acts medical science cannot predict or entirely comprehend. That Sen. Byrd managed to pry open his own chest cavity and tattoo these words onto his beating heart is not only astounding but also the most likely cause of his death. It’s a tragedy, to be sure.”

When Byrd entered Congress in January 1953, a postage stamp cost three cents and American kids were scrambling for a new toy called Mr. Potato Head. Today in West Virginia, postage stamps are still virtually as worthless given the incredibly low literacy rates and lack of people wanting to communicate with residents of the state. The Mr. Potato head craze continues, but with massive shards of coal replacing the tuber, which can no longer grow in the fetid soil.

Author: BC Bass