Tag Archive | "sarah palin"

Succession and Secession Causing Palin Major Confusion


HOUSTON, TX — Sarah Palin, speaking a few weeks ago at a rally for Rick Perry, referred to news about Texans wanting to secede from the union by saying, “They got that wrong. Texas today, I don’t think they’re seceding, they are succeeding.”

Upon hearing this, Debra Medina, the Tea Party candidate for Governor of Texas, called Palin to offer her services as a mentor on the differences between succession and secession, both terms being bandied about lately by the Tea Party movement and obviously causing Palin some confusion. Read the full story

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Sarah Palin Wants to Lead the NAACP


Baltimore, MD (GlossyNews) — The Membership Council of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) announced this morning that they were reviewing an application for membership from Sarah Louise Palin.

Only two hours later, Mrs Palin held a press conference where she reportedly expressed her desire to become chairman of the NAACP.

During a rare question and answer session after the press conference, where Mrs Palin answered questions herself, one reporter asked, “How can you be a member of the NAACP when you aren’t black?” Read the full story

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Largest Ever Coprolites Found Half Buried in Palin’s Back Yard


Last week, while Sarah Palin was busy making her rounds on the Tea Party circuit, expounding her views on who is and who is not a true Patriot, a group of Palintologists were busy digging up dirt in Palin’s own back yard. Reports are slowly coming in from Wasilla that one of the largest coprolites ever found was dug up just feet from Sarah’s back porch.

When Palin was advised of the find, she is reported as saying “I don’t know what the heck you’re talking about. I don’t have any corporate executives buried in my back yard, for heaven’s sake.”

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David Cassidy More Popular than Sarah Palin?


Chicago, IL (GlossyNews) — The Republican National Committee (RNC), in a move that now appears to have backfired, recently conducted a number of related polls designed to demonstrate the popularity of Sarah Palin. The RNC refuses to release the data officially, but sources within the RNC’s central council have revealed that Americans chose aging pop star David Cassidy nearly 2 to 1 over the fading politician. Read the full story

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Sarah Palin Is a Woman for All Seasons


Sarah Palin has been called many things: touchstone, villain, heroine, MILF, you name it. What cannot be denied, however, is the fact that Palin is a towering public figure—the sort of lightning rod that people are willing to dance with in order to gin up interest in their own causes.

When John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate, PayPal was nearly brought to its secure-system knees as millions of hockey moms rushed to contribute to the McCain campaign. Coincidentally, even greater numbers of soccer moms and latte liberals contributed to Barack Obama’s campaign as soon as they heard Ms. Palin open her mouth, you betcha. There’s obviously a fine line between dancing with a lightning rod and sticking your tongue on one. Read the full story

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Sarah Palin Responds to Tard Complaints – FAIL


Sarah Palin is not one to be drawn in to media complaints, but she’s exactly one to respond to these issues when they accost her directly. Sure, Family Guy made fun of persons of mental disability in past years, but, Palin remained silent. But on this occasion, when they made fun of her directly, she magically popped up like a mad activist on a mission more missionary than the position that made her that baby ostensibly in question. Read the full story

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MSNBC, CNBC Threaten Lawsuit Against Palin


Threatening the first ever lawsuit of its kind, two major media outlets, MSNBC and CNBC are kicking around the idea of asking a Federal Judge to decide if Palin is required under the 1st Amendment to issue free press passes to her upcoming March 12 speech at the Rosen Shingle Creek Resort in Orlando, FL. Read the full story

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Woman Caught Selling Food Stamps to Buy Palin Speech Tickets


An Orlando woman was arrested for welfare fraud last weekend for trying to sell her monthly food stamps on the Florida black market in order to scrounge up the $50 necessary to buy a gallery seat to Sarah Palin’s speech to the Daytona Regional Chamber of Commerce in Daytona Beach.

The speaking engagement was originally planned as a dinner event with seats going for $150; however, due to a high demand for more seating, gallery seats that did not include dinner were added to the venue at $50 each.

Said the arresting police officer, “Isn’t it ironic that the woman was willing to give up food for a month just so she could watch Sarah Palin and others dine on lobster and steak. What a crazy world we live in.”

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Palin Inspires Tea Party Audience with “Tell Off” Stories


Ashland, KY (GlossyNews): Former Alaska Governor, Sara Palin, continued her outreach to the Tea Party movement this week, speaking before a group of Tea Party activists outside Ashland.

Palin was warmly received by the $150 per ticket Tea Party rally attendees, who stood up in thunderous applause as the former Governor related a series of “Tell Off” stories from her personal life where she perceived herself as getting the upper hand in a series of verbal and “cultural” confrontations. Read the full story

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Obama Assistant Caught E-mailing Palin as 2012 Secret Adviser


Washington, D.C. – Susie (Suze) Ruze, an aide to President Obama, was reportedly relieved of her clerical duties early Monday morning and her White House e-mail account was suspended. These actions were taken after White House officials had learned that she had sent more than two dozen e-mails to Sarah Palin on matters that would have been classified information had they not been blatant lies. Ms. Ruze is believed to be a member of Women Against Sarah Palin. Read the full story

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Sarah Palin: So Main Street Joe Six-Pack It’s Scary


Arguably the most appealing characteristic of Sarah Palin is that she’s one of us. She’s not one of those elitists who finished her undergrad degree from just one school, and she doesn’t know what the heck Charlie Gibson is talking about when he springs ambiguous gotcha questions like the one about the Bush Doctrine. We all know what Bush stood for, but none of us knew what the heck that question was all about… could you be any more vague, Chuckles McGibson, hack? Read the full story

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AOL News: “Palin Says She’d Run in 2012”


Where? Back to Alaska?

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Secessionists Pass out Own Survey to Tea Party Attendees


A South Carolina independent rag known as the Secessionist News developed a Survey entitled “Where Do You Stand as a True American?” They hope it will be picked up and answered by lots of Tea Party Convention delegates in an effort to get a finger on the pulse of the true American. We have recreated the survey here for convenience of reading (sample original survey shown below). We hope to report the findings once responses start to trickle in. Feel free to give your own answers if you’ve a mind to. Read the full story

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Important Convention Announcement by Tea Party Nation


Richmond, VA – As many of you may already know, due to circumstances not entirely out of our control, many of our original sponsors have pulled their support from the first National Tea Party Convention scheduled to take place on February 4-6, 2010 in Nashville, TN. Because of this, and the higher than expected fee(s) we unrealistically committed ourselves to paying the keynote speaker(s), we have been forced to drastically cut back on a majority of the activities scheduled for the Convention. Read the full story

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Sarah Palin “Wants in” on Jesus Rifle Scopes


Upon hearing that Michigan defense contractor, Trijicon, has been supplying the US military with rifle sights inscribed with New Testament Bible passage references on them, Sarah Palin contacted the company’s headquarter offices to try and pull some strings to get a few of the rifle sights for her own hunting rifles. Read the full story

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Rumors of Todd Palin’s Inupiat Mistress Leaked on Alaskan Blog


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