Tag Archive | "romney"

Romney’s Tax Records Show He’s Working for President Obama


WASHINTON D.C.- The Romeny campaign had contested showing Mitt’s 2011 returns for so long, and once released, every one understood why.

Mitt Romney had been on the Obama campaign’s payroll for quite some time.

“Mitt did a really good job acting like he was a serious contender for the presidency,” explains David Axlerod.

“I think recently, it became apparent that he was actually working for us. I mean, what candidate would have so many gaffes if he didn’t work for the other team?” Read the full story

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Romney’s Economic Plan Is Right Direction For America, According to Apple Maps


Cupertino, CA – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s plan for restoring the U.S. economy will lead to a new era of high employment and prosperity for the nation, according to Apple’s new iOS 6 based Maps app.

By entering Mr. Romney’s plans for lowering taxes on the wealthy and eliminating government regulation into their Maps app, users of the new iPhone 5 are able to view America’s future rosy position at the top of the world’s economies. Read the full story

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Republican strategy to overcome roll-down airplane windows


It may have been my old AMC Rambler1 but it was the chance of a lifetime when Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney gave me an exclusive press pass to last weekend’s Republican National Committee strategy session. Here is how it went. Read the full story

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Romney On His Video Gaffe: ‘Obama Is Destroying This Nation’


WASHINGTON D.C. – Attempting to deflect growing criticism following a leaked video allegedly showing him alienating “47%” of the American electorate, Mitt Romney today addressed the issue, declaring: “Obama is ruining this great nation.”

Mr. Romney came under fire Monday after a video surfaced on the alternative news site MotherJones.com in which he appeared to say: “[M]y job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives,” to which he emphatically responded: “Things are much worse than they were four years ago under this president.” Read the full story

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Romney Reaches Out to the Nation’s Dead People


WASHINGTON D.C. – In a move designed to kick-start his flagging presidential campaign Friday, Mitt Romney reached out to the nation’s dead people during a visit to a cemetery in the state of Virginia.

Aiming to refocus his campaign after a series of setbacks this past week, the former Massachusetts governor addressed over 300 deceased voters in what was a rescheduled campaign stop this morning. Read the full story

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Exclusive to GlossyNews.com: Romney explains, “It’s a different 47%.”


In the aftermath of the 47% controversy, Republican Presidential Nominee Mitt Romney was besieged with requests for clarification. However, this journalist was able to reach him in the shower and force him to answer questions before giving him his towel, which resulted in a surprising revelation. Read the full story

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Romney and Ryan to Clean Up Streets in New ABC Drama


LOS ANGELES- After recent reports have surfaced over the lack of news coverage given to Mitt Romney, the Romney/Ryan campaign sought to tackle the issue through a different approach.

Romney campaign manager Matt Rhodes tells US Weekly that “It’s no surprise the liberal media is trying to marginalize Mitt. We saw this coming. We devised a plan to get Mitt and Paul out there, in the television of every home, without the help of the major news outlets, Prime time drama.” Read the full story

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Was Romney’s Horse on Steroids at the London Olympics?


It’s now less than two months until the 2012 presidential election. The field of candidates has been whittled down to the Final 13. The short list includes several impressive independent candidates, like Robert Burck, better known to New Yorkers as the Naked Cowboy, Brian J. Moran of Texas, who, as best as anyone can tell, is the only candidate running this year on the Jedi party ticket, and Vermin Supreme, whose boldly fresh platform calls for an end to gingivitis and more investment in time travel research.

Vermin also courageously promises a free pony for every American. (This is 100% true.)

Fortunately, to make it easier for the average American to decide for whom to cast their vote, our electoral system has given two candidates a slight edge in the race to the White House: incumbent Barack Obama and that other guy, whose name temporarily escapes me because of the complete dearth of political ads on his behalf – no wait a minute, it’s coming to me. Yes, Mitt Romney.

At the two recent political conventions, both candidates made promises they have no intention of keeping and scurrilous attacks about their opponent’s record. Both made bold claims about how they plan to save Medicare, reduce the debt, create more jobs and piss off China.

Reporters have been asking pointed questions about how their plans will impact global warming of the middle class, reduce defense spending on the elderly, and protect the right to tax gay marriage. But so far, no one has asked the candidates the important questions that undecided, marginally aware voters with the attention span of a gnat want answers to, like Who’s running for president this year anyway?

Here are a few critical questions uninformed votes are demanding the candidates address once and for all:

• For Governor Romney: Your wife’s mare Rafalca performed well at the dressage competition in the recent London Olympics. What type of performance-enhancing drugs did she use? Same question about Rafalca?

• For Obama: You brag about how your bailout saved the U.S. automotive industry. As a result, my neighbor’s teenage son owns a new Camaro. He likes to rev the engine insanely loud at 2am and he’s installed an obnoxious horn that blares some AC-DC song. When are you going to impound his car?

• For Romney: Why won’t you reveal your elementary school report cards? What are you hiding?

• For Obama: With the First Dog, Bo, you appear to prefer dogs. When will you come out and admit once and for all that you hate cats and anyone who is a cat owner?

• For Romney: How do you get your hair to look so perfect all the time, with that slight touch of grey? Very distinguished. Do you use Grecian Formula? And if so, is Greece paying you a kickback?

• For Obama: How do you plan to destroy Medicare? Will you replace all physicians with Kenyan witch doctors, as a leaflet I received from Karl Rove said? Or would you be at least willing to consider hiring American witch doctors, in the interest of job creation?

• For Romney: In choosing Paul Ryan to be your running mate, how much of a role did his brilliant work as a child actor playing the part of Eddie Munster factor into your decision?

• For Obama: When you took out Osama bin Laden, isn’t it a fact that you were mainly after his incredible stash of porn for your personal collection, as I heard on Rush Limbaugh?

• For Romney: Some people complain that you only care about the rich, that you’re out of touch with the needs of the middle-class working person. My question is this: Which of your six homes has the awesomest view: your oceanfront estate in La Jolla or your ski lodge in Park City, Utah?

• For Obama: Earlier this year, you came out in favor of gays. What is it about heterosexuals that you despise so much, and which gay celebrity would you rather sleep with, Neal Patrick Harris or Anderson Cooper?

• For Romney: Some people are concerned that you will reverse banking regulation reforms that were instituted as a result of the financial collapse of 2008. Given your business investment experience with Bain Capital, my question is this: Do you think Apple is over-priced or should I still buy?

• For Obama: You admitted to using pot and cocaine as a teenager. Will you submit to a urine test, right now? I’ll look the other way while you pee into this cup.

Regardless of the candidates’ answers to these questions, most marginally informed voters’ decision about who to vote for may come down to the candidates’ last names. Romney’s name, when you scramble the letters spells R-MONEY. But Obama’s name, when you scramble it (and misspell it), spells A BOMB A! It would appear that Romney wants to give Americans back R money. Obama just wants to blow us all up. Based on this compelling argument, uninformed voters are leaning 5 to 1 in favor of Romney.

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Romney Admits He Is Secretly Campaigning for Obama


GOP Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney admitted today that he has been secretly campaigning for Obama since the primary elections.

“I have made no missteps in my campaign,” Romney stated during a press conference. “I want President Obama to be re-elected so I have deliberately sabotaged my own campaign.”

RIGHT: Image courtesy of Driftglass. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Mitt Romney Vows to Eliminate “The Poverty”


GOP Presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced today that when he is elected he will eliminate poverty by systematically eliminating poor people.

“Poor and under-insured elderly people put a tremendous strain on our county’s resources”, Romney stated at a campaign event.

“The only way to deal with this problem is to eliminate poor and elderly people from the United States”. Read the full story

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Republicans Unveil New List of Things to Blame on Obama


Tampa, Florida – Wrapping up their convention, the GOP unveils their augmented strategy to win against the Democrats in November.

The old tactic of blaming things on President Obama seemed to have worked out in the Republican Party’s favor, but the message wasn’t reaching target demographics in key swing states.

The newly revised list of things to blame on President Obama is an effort to win over those particular voters.

RIGHT: Mitt Ryan and Paul Romney may indeed be on a sinking ship, if recent state-by-state polling is any indicator. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Guest speakers each delivered something different to blame on President Obama, aimed at certain constituencies lacking in the GOP political base. Lacking considerable support with women and ethnic minorities, the Republican party garnered more attention from these groups once they began with the scathing criticisms of the Obama administration.

Speaker of the House, John Boehner (OH), started off the final night of the convention with his signature fiery rhetoric, and then asserted that “Obama is the reason why public restrooms are always out of paper towels.”

Former Governor of Florida, Jeb Bush, explained the need for more fiscal responsibility and accountability in government. He also blamed President Obama for “that weird feeling you get when your arm falls asleep.”

Romney-Ryan campaign chairman Bob White delivered scathing criticism of the President to an excited crowd, exclaiming, “Obama’s harsh EPA regulations are to blame for the severe drought devastating America’s heartland. Obama is the reason why abusive husbands come home and take their frustrations out on loved ones. Our so called president can’t even protect us from asteroids on a collision course with planet Earth that he, himself, attracted here in the first place. Do we want four more years of Obama aborting all the fetuses from all the pregnant women of this nation? My answer is no!”

Senator Marco Rubio of Florida attacked President Obama’s immigration policy. He proclaimed “Obama doesn’t care for the Latin people. He only wants untraceable labor to construct his secret lair on an uncharted island shaped like a skull-spider.” He went on to add, “I heard he actually built a boat out of immigrants swimming the gulf. He toured the entire east coast before eating the whole boat in one sitting. That doesn’t sound like a President who respects the Hispanic population.”

Mitt Romney closed out the evening with his acceptance speech and quite possibly the most shocking accusations of the evening. In thirty-eight minutes, Romney managed to blame an impressive amount of things on the President. Among the more noteworthy accusations were “dental cavities,” “mutation of gonorrhea,” both the “French and Spanish Inquisition,” “the reason why Snape had to die in the end,” “rush hour traffic,” and even implicated him in connection with the death of Heath Ledger.

Republican strategist Steve Schmidt analyzed the new tactic and wrote, “This is the way the GOP can beat Obama in November. The previous claims were too soft. Who cares if he is a closet Muslim, totalitarian-socialist, or foreign national born in Kenya. The Republican Party needed a message with teeth, and I think they found it tonight.”

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Romney and Ryan to Hold “Who’s Wife is Hotter” Rally


Myrtle Beach, South Carolina – Attempting to appeal to the conservative base, the Romney-Ryan campaign is holding a “Who’s Wife is Hotter” contest at a Hooters located in Myrtle Beach.

This new tactic comes after an influx of criticism, aimed at Romney’s inability to relate with blue collar voters.

Republican strategist Trey Harden explains, “This is exactly what Mitt needs. He needs to show how much he loves women while appealing to the working class. Read the full story

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Romney: Screw It, I’ll Give $300k to Everyone Who Votes for Me


WASHINGTON D.C. – In an effort to win over the average working American, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney has vowed to give away his entire wealth to the American people, declaring: “enough with politics: I’ll give three million freaking dollars to everyone who votes for me in November.”

This offer is only good for voters in swing states, but if you live in Ohio, North Carolina, Virginia, Florida or Colorado, this simple vote could be your easy ticket to the upper-crust. Read the full story

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American Expatriates At a Loss What to Threaten To Do If Romney Is Elected


PRAGUE – As the 2012 U.S. presidential election approaches, the possibility of a win by Republican Mitt Romney is a cause for fear and concern among many liberal Americans across the country.

Among those most worried, however, are U.S. citizens who have already left the country to live abroad and thus now find them-selves at a loss as to what they can threaten to do in the event of a Romney victory.

“I would definitely say that I’m leaving the country if Romney is elected,” said Neil Woodward, 41, an American working as an English teacher here in the Czech capital. “But, unfortunately, I already did that after the Supreme Court unjustly handed the election to Bush in 2000.” Read the full story

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Lloyd Blankfein Will NOT Be Romney’s Secretary of the Treasury


Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has disclosed to an anonymous source that he probably will not appoint Lloyd Blankfein to the office of Secretary of the Treasury.

Blankfein is CEO of Goldman Sachs, one of the nation’s most distinguished financial enterprises.

But whether the rumor that Mr. Blankfein, having heard of the possible appointment, had unwittingly disclosed the idea of running a credit default swap scheme on the nation’s economy has nothing to do with Romney’s thinking at this time. The Romney source was vigorous on this point. Read the full story

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Israel’s “War With Iran” Roadshow Ready For Tour


Not content with mere headlines, the Benjamin Netanyahu War-With-Iran-Roadshow is about to get underway.

A contingent of drummers, buglers, and dancing dwarfs will parade on American streets beating out their music, using the key refrain, “War with Iran! War with Iran! We want war with Iran!”

Ad-libbing is permitted, so the show invites audience participation with such lines as, “Let’s do it before November!” and “The sooner the better!” and “We love war! We can’t get enough of it!” Read the full story

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