Tag Archive | "romney"

Reason 17 I’m Voting Romney: I Like His Hair


GlossyNews.com[Note from the Staff of Glossy News: We proofread the author Tim Jones’ rant below about why he’s switching his vote from Obama to Romney.

We uncovered a few minor errors in his analysis and felt compelled to insert corrections as needed. – the Staff of Glossy News] Read the full story

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Republicans Demand NASCAR Observers at Polling Places


GlossyNews.comTALLADEGA – Republicans in The Deep South are demanding that NASCAR officials be sent to all polling places to ensure a fair election.

Talladega Republican Party Chairman Larry “big cheese” Nelson said, “We can’t risk our people not being able to vote. And the only way to make sure things are fair behind those curtains is to send in NASCAR.” Read the full story

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Romney Promises to Stop Gorbachev from Building Catapult


GlossyNews.com – BOSTON – In a last ditch effort to win over undecided voters, Mitt Romney today promised to stop a former leader of a defunct country from building an archaic weapon capable of hitting a non-existent state.

At his Boston event office, Romney said, “To any of you out there still unsure of my resolve to keep America safe, I say this. I will stop Gorbachev from building a catapult that can hit New Dakota.” Read the full story

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Netanyahu Declares Candidacy for U.S. President


GlossyNews.com – Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today called a press conference to announce that he would accept the position of U.S. President, which he hoped would end the acrimony and divisiveness of the Romney-Obama rivalry for the office. Following is a transcript:

RIGHT: Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu declares his candidacy for U.S. President. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Barack Obama Asks for Your Vote… For Mitt Romney


By President Barack Obama

My fellow Americans,

Next Tuesday, November 6, is Election Day, and this year your vote is more important than ever before. That’s because in this election you have a choice between two very different visions for America.

One of those visions believes that ours is a country where everyone should have a fair shot at success and where everyone should pay their fair share of taxes. Read the full story

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Romney Surging in Latest Poll of Comatose Unregistered Voters


In recent polls, President Obama continues to lead with several key demographic categories: women, blacks, Hispanics, gays, people under 25, people over 25, people who can do basic math, people who can identify Canada on a map, and people who can remember as far back as the year 2008.

But Governor Romney holds a narrow lead with the several key demographic groups: Mormons over 75, polo team owners, Goldman Sachs hedge fund managers, Rush Limbaugh, people who have never heard Romney speak, and Jesus. Read the full story

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NHL Lockout Takes Center Stage at Debate


Undecided voter Mervin Dodson of Hempstead, New York was sadly disappointed by his participation in Tuesday night’s Presidential debate.

“Of course I was thrilled to be selected as one of the dozens of undecided voters to participate in the debate,” said Dodson.

“Who wouldn’t be? It was a chance for me to question both candidates on what I think is one of the most important issues of the day.” Read the full story

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Romney Again Accused Of Pandering


In what seems to be a continual effort by the Obama administration, an accusation of pandering to special interest groups has again been leveled at the campaign of failed Gov. Mitt Romney.

His willingness to change his appearance to match his audience, which was first noticed during an interview on Univision, was even more pronounced today.

The accusation comes from a stop that former Gov. Romney made at a Jewish community center in Tampa, FL, late this afternoon.

RIGHT: Gov. Romney pandering? You decide. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Several people who were at the rally said that he seemed like he belonged in their community and that his statements lined up exactly with what they felt needed to be done to those damn palestinians. Read the full story

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Biden Wins Debate With Tale of High School Football Game


DANVILLE, KENTUCKY- The Vice Presidential debate was a dramatic stage set for two men who would be a heart beat away from the highest office. It culminated in a speech by Vice President Biden, about a high school football game in which he excelled.

“So there we were, end of the fourth quarter, third and long. Any other team would have given up, but not us,” explained Biden as he looked in to the camera.

Paul Ryan was seen looking aimlessly in to the eyes of Joe Biden, as he tried finding a valid argument as to the relevance of the anecdote. There was none to be had. The nation had been seduced by the story, including Romney’s running mate. Read the full story

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Romney “Apologizes” to Obama After Debate Debacle


WASHINGTON DC- Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney sort of apologized to the president this week after the crushing debate performance he delivered, though it remains unclear as to whether Governor Romney actually knows what an apology is.

Although the political arena doesn’t mandate such an apology, Romney’s religious upbringing got the better of him as he humbly “apologized” for the thorough lashing he gave the president.

“Mitt has had a lot of practice with apologizing and knowing what an apology actuallt is, recently,” explained Matt Rhodes, senior Romney advisor.

“Not only did he deliver an excellent apology after politicizing the death of Ambassador Chris Stevens, and he really nailed it when he had to explain himself over the 47% thing the day after the debate. It was totally an underhanded apology that almost slipped by. Mitt’s been getting so good at it, he apologized to his wife after accidentally bringing her a caffeinated soda at a fund raising picnic, where he mingled with regular common people. It was a touching moment among many.”

Political analysts are wondering if Romney can keep up with his fast paced rate of apologizing. Some of his more notable apologies have reportedly been behind closed doors, especially after the debate.

He has been practicing apologizing to his base constituency for faltering on his platform so many times.

Romney appeared on Univision, a Spanish Language Channel, where he apologized to Hispanics for the tough talk on immigration during the primaries, but vowed to apologize more to them in his coming years as president.

Romney has also been seen apologizing to unemployed Americans, stating he was “sorry for the whole off-shore thing,” and that if he got their vote, he would “so get their jobs back for them.”

When asked about the apology, President Barack Obama commented, “It was nice and heart felt. Uh… He knew I was tired and had been keeping late nights… what with keeping the world from falling apart, and… cleaning up a rather… big mess left by… uh, Republicans.”

Paul Ryan has not been in favor of the recent streak of apologies, stating that “it shows weakness.”

“Ayn Rand would be spinning in her atheist grave right now listening to Romney bowing to people, many of whom don’t even pay taxes for the entitlements they feel they deserve.”

He also added, “did that come off as racist? Is that my first political gaff? I need to go do some P90x and sort all of this out, but you know what I mean about those people [who do not pay taxes].”

Senior White House advisor David Plouffe remarked on how happy he was to see Romney take a more humble approach. Plouffe went on to say, “As much as he’s apologizing for the lies, pandering, political polarizing, and suckering poor people in to a program that would marginalize their meager incomes, I don’t think I’ve heard him apologize to Jim Lerher or Big Bird for threatening to fire them.”

Mitt Romney will be in the swing state of Arkansas tomorrow speaking at a $5 a plate fundraiser held for the state’s wealthiest job creators.

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Romney Post Debate Strategy: Flip-Flop More


The first presidential debate has inspired Romney campaign officials to change their overall strategy in order to gain a higher percentage of the upcoming vote.

After demonstrating his ability to completely drop previous positions, and offer new policies without concern of being able to deliver them, the campaign intends to continue to use this method over the remaining weeks of the campaign to break new ground and old promises.

While this will leave Gov. Romney with literally no true policy positions to offer in a post election victory, previous statements were so devoid of actual details that his senior strategists don’t foresee any issues with this new strategy.

Contacted on the campaign trail, top Romney advisor Ed Gillespie could not contain his excitement about finally finding the key to turning this election cycle around.

“We have always felt that the policies that were offered by our candidate were too focused on the conservative element of the electorate. The new policies that Gov. Romney is offering appeal to a wider cross section of the voting public. We were running without any specifics anyway so this is just a natural evolution toward total lack of detail.”

It remains to be seen if this will actually allow Gov. Romney to win the presidential election, but knowing that they never would have won otherwise it is a zero risk approach.

Recent polls show a swing towards Gov. Romney on the voter approval questions and this can be easily associated with his relaxed appearance as he describes various plans that he has no intention of implementing. As long as he can continue to avoid questions on the impact of the policies he may well have found his game changer.

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These Are The Guys Who Are Going To Set The Nation Straight?


Let me see if I got this straight:

We have a national election going on.
Only two guys are really running in it.
Both are spending obscene amounts of money to campaign for it.
Mostly other people’s money.
Both are putting the other one down. Constantly.
Both are making promises they can’t keep.
Both have to kowtow to what the public wants.
Both have to go along with what their party wants.
Both have to devote the majority of their daily time to publicizing themselves for this election.
Both have to have lived lives virtually entirely bereft of scandal to have a chance at winning.
Both refuse to acknowledge the others good points. Read the full story

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Big Bird Talks Mitt Romney in Hard Hitting Interview


He’s every kid’s favorite bird. Big Bird has been a staple on American television since 1969. So it was no surprise that many Americans became upset when Mitt Romney made public his plan to fire the icon.

We met at the aptly named Sesame Street Restaurant and Big Bird laid out the ground rules. I can’t ask him about his parents and he wants me to read a book to some kids after the interview.

What followed was one of the most shocking yet meaningful interviews I’ve ever participated in. Read the full story

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The Only 14 Zingers at the 2012 Presidential Debate


Respective political rhetoric aside, there were only a few bright (or even interesting) moments in the presidential debate. Following are the only 14 things even close to a “zinger” uttered by Obama, Romney or Jim Lehrer.

1) Romney: “Happy Anniversary, Mr. President. So, how about that threesome?” Read the full story

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Top-12 Reasons Mitt Romney Will Win the Election


With the election heating up and the polls wiggling more and more every day (in favor of Barack Obama), we have to look ever more closely at the race.

The good news is that, at least according to a couple polls, the race is tied, and Mitt Romney could easily pull it out and win this thing. The better news is that, according to all the real polls, Obama is crushing it. Read the full story

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Romney Schedules Debate to Convince Country He is Still Running


WASHINGTON D.C.- Political insiders have confirmed that not only is republican candidate, Mitt Romney, debating president Obama on Wednesday, but he is still running for president.

Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan met a group of supporters for a fund raiser, announcing that they will still be in the running for the white house all the way up until November 6th.

“People can’t count us out until the election is over,” explains Matt Rhodes, campaign advisor to Mitt Romney.

“I know the country wouldn’t quite pick that up over the past couple of weeks, but we have been hard at work over in the Romney camp trying to adequately prepare a game plan to let America know that we are here until election day.” Read the full story

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