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Kim Jong-un Places 2nd in North Korean Barbecue Competition

It was merely a common single rainbow that heralded Kim Jong-un’s 2nd place finish this weekend at the First Annual North Korean BBQ Blowout in Pyongyang. State media praised the supreme leader of North Korea for his grilling expertise, noting that he nabbed the number two spot without threatening to publicly execute anyone.

In fact, the judges’ taste buds reportedly “went into meltdown” for Kim Jong-un’s incendiary entries in an event that drew participants from across the nation of more than 24 million, and competition was red-hot.

Few of those loyal to the world’s youngest head of state doubted that he would do well despite it being his first venture into the world of competitive North Korean barbecue. Indeed, judges noted his “novel use of nuclear radiation” to grill the meat, rather than more traditional charcoal, imbued the cuts with “subtle acrid overtones that stand in sharp contrast to the usual smoky flavors.”

The divine leader also garnered compliments for his fiery Mushroom Cloud Dipping Sauce, but won even higher praise for his fusion of marinades. The nuclear fermentation techniques used to craft those award-winning marinades and his methods for producing hickory-smoke-enriched uranium are among the most heavily guarded secrets in the world.

On the other hand, the head of state’s Nuclear Beef Short Ribs were “a fallout.” Judges said, “Despite the fact that they appeared perfectly cooked, the short ribs were still sizzling and popping furiously, and we noticed later that they glow in the dark.” Judges said that the dish had their Geiger counters “clicking like a dot matrix printer at a state-run government agency,” ultimately costing him the big win.

Nevertheless, he was awarded 500 North Korean won for his efforts, or a little less than four U.S. dollars.

Kim Jong-un said he intends to introduce his award-winning barbecue to the rest of the world, but he faces challenges. While his marketing skills are at least as good as his deceased father’s, it remains to be seen whether he can successfully deliver his radioactive recipes to places as far away as the United States.

The supreme leader of North Korea celebrated his 2nd place finish by blowing a huge cloud of cigarette smoke in the face of Choegoui Babekyu Yoli, the 1st place champion.


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Unemployed Former Aerospace Engineer Says: “Stop calling me that”

CAPE CANAVERAL – Identifying labels apparently matter, at least to unemployed former aerospace engineer Fred Hackford, who is among the thousands of NASA workers being laid off by the space agency following its retirement of the space shuttle and its announced plans to cancel the development of new rockets and spacecraft.

“Hey, wait a minute,” Mr. Hackford objected. “Why did you just write that I’m an unemployed former aerospace engineer? I’m still an aerospace engineer, for God’s sake. It’s just that I lost my job.”

When asked whether “unemployed former aerospace industry worker” would be acceptable to him as an identifying label, Mr. Hackford replied, “Well, yeah, I guess that’s at least correct. But why do you have to keep using that word ‘former’? It sounds like my career is over. Why can’t you just call me an ‘unemployed aerospace engineer’? Besides, calling me a ‘former aerospace industry worker’ makes it sound as if I could have been just an equipment operator or a janitor.”

Unemployed former NASA janitor Neil Williams took issue with Mr. Hackford’s view, asking, “What do you mean that it sounds like you ‘could have been’ just a janitor, Fred? Shouldn’t you say that it sounds like you ‘could be’ just a janitor? I mean, okay, if you think that you’re still an aerospace engineer even though you lost your job, I’m cool with that. But doesn’t that mean that I’m still a janitor even though I lost mine?”

Others disagree with both men’s assessments, however, including unemployed former shop assistant Deborah Myers, whose retail position was among the 14,000 jobs at hotels, restaurants, stores and other Florida businesses impacted by NASA’s cuts.

“I don’t care whether you’re a rocket scientist or the guy who emptied the space shuttle’s toilets,” Ms. Myers said. “If you’re not doing it now, then you’re a ‘former’ whatever it was that you were doing.”

“Actually, you’re a former whoever it is that does whatever it was that you were doing,” said Rick Massey, Ms. Myers’ unemployed former boss.

“Sorry, but I have to disagree with that,” said unemployed former newspaper editor turned part-time freelance dog walker Andy Nelson. “I mean, there’s no way that I could still call myself an ‘editor’ now, even though it’s a very specialized profession that requires a lot of training. But a doctor is still a doctor, even if he or she loses a job in a hospital. That’s the same in Fred’s case, I think, as an aerospace engineer.”

“Thanks, Andy,” said Mr. Hackford. “Hey, which one of us is walking the Dobermans this week?”

Finally, also weighing in on the discussion was disgraced former New York governor and failed CNN host Eliot Spitzer, who commented, “Jeez. What is these people’s problem?”


Posted in Human InterestComments (1)

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