ROSWELL, New Mexico (GlossyNews) — In his harshest stance yet, President Barack Obama has demanded flailing petroleum giant BP establish yet another $20B set-aside to address more leak damage. At issue is the recent Wiki-leaks release of 91,000 classified documents, considered highly toxic by most defense analysts.

Said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, “This thing undeniably looks like BP. It’s of unprecedented proportions, politically inconvenient, and clean-up will be a nightmare. So who do you think did it? A leak of these dimensions can only mean BP has failed to follow adequate safety procedures, yet again.”

Though in a leadership transition, BP was quick to respond on this latest disaster. Read the full story

ALEXANDRIA, Virginia (GlossyNews) — In what Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel termed, “ordinary mid-term reassignments” First Lady Michelle Obama was fired today by Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack.

The brief press statement, sent via Twitter and read by White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs, cited Michelle’s failure to ‘get with the program’ as cause for dismissal.

Said Gibbs, “She’s a nice woman, and we wish her the best in future endeavors, but Michelle just isn’t a good fit for Team Obama. We’re trying to change the direction of America; it’s serious business. Read the full story

Washington, D.C. – Susie (Suze) Ruze, an aide to President Obama, was reportedly relieved of her clerical duties early Monday morning and her White House e-mail account was suspended. These actions were taken after White House officials had learned that she had sent more than two dozen e-mails to Sarah Palin on matters that would have been classified information had they not been blatant lies. Ms. Ruze is believed to be a member of Women Against Sarah Palin. Read the full story