Tag Archive | "republican"

Republicans Crucify Jesus for Offering Free Healthcare


BILOXI – People were shocked when a strange light was seen in the sky yesterday. Many wondered if it was a meteor. However, the light that fell to earth was none other than Jesus Christ himself.

The Christian leader landed in Biloxi, Mississippi at approximately 3:16 p.m. local time. Area residents first met Jesus with shotguns because they initially mistook him for a “hippie liberal immigrant” that was going to “rob them or talk about Obama.”

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

Jesus quickly performed several miracles in order to prove his identity including curing an area woman’s cancer and giving eyesight to a blind preacher. Read the full story

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Tea Party Demonstrators Call For Lower Taxes, Smaller Vocabulary


WASHINGTON D.C. – Throughout a rousing rally on Capitol Hill Tuesday, hundreds of Tea Party demonstrators – voicing their disapproval of Barack Obama’s presidency – championed the idea of lowering taxes and downsizing the nation’s vocabulary.

Speaking over a bullhorn, Tea Party stalwart Terry Higgins gave a damning criticism of what he perceived as the Obama administration’s attempt to expand the size of the national lexicon, with repeated use of words like “vitriolic,” “insatiable,” and “rationale.” Read the full story

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Democrats Concede 2012 Election


In an unprecedented move, President Obama and all democratic candidates have conceded the election to their respective opponents. Democratic Party Chairman Debbie Wasserman Schultz announced the collective concession this morning. Initially believed to be an elaborate early Halloween prank, it was quickly determined by mid-morning that all democratic candidates had indeed thrown in the towel. Read the full story

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Romney Schedules Debate to Convince Country He is Still Running


WASHINGTON D.C.- Political insiders have confirmed that not only is republican candidate, Mitt Romney, debating president Obama on Wednesday, but he is still running for president.

Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan met a group of supporters for a fund raiser, announcing that they will still be in the running for the white house all the way up until November 6th.

“People can’t count us out until the election is over,” explains Matt Rhodes, campaign advisor to Mitt Romney.

“I know the country wouldn’t quite pick that up over the past couple of weeks, but we have been hard at work over in the Romney camp trying to adequately prepare a game plan to let America know that we are here until election day.” Read the full story

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Republican strategy to overcome roll-down airplane windows


It may have been my old AMC Rambler1 but it was the chance of a lifetime when Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney gave me an exclusive press pass to last weekend’s Republican National Committee strategy session. Here is how it went. Read the full story

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Exclusive to GlossyNews.com: Romney explains, “It’s a different 47%.”


In the aftermath of the 47% controversy, Republican Presidential Nominee Mitt Romney was besieged with requests for clarification. However, this journalist was able to reach him in the shower and force him to answer questions before giving him his towel, which resulted in a surprising revelation. Read the full story

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Romney Proposes Two Week Term Limit on Facts


Dayton, OH – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today announced a controversial plan to place term limits on facts.

During a campaign stop in Ohio, Romney was overheard telling a Koch brother that if elected he will immediately propose placing a two week term limit on all facts due to their “terroristic nature” and “un-American qualities.” Read the full story

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Democrats Narrowly Avert Threat of Democracy


In a historic and unprecedented move, the Democratic Party asked the delegates at its 2012 national convention in Charlotte, North Carolina to use democratic procedures to approve a platform amendment.

At the last minute, however, they avoided the whim of popular will by creatively interpreting an evenly divided voice vote as a two-thirds majority approval.

At stake were two issues combined in one amendment: the inclusion of a reference to God in the plank on religion and a declaration that Jerusalem is the capital of Israel[1]. Read the full story

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Republicans Unveil New List of Things to Blame on Obama


Tampa, Florida – Wrapping up their convention, the GOP unveils their augmented strategy to win against the Democrats in November.

The old tactic of blaming things on President Obama seemed to have worked out in the Republican Party’s favor, but the message wasn’t reaching target demographics in key swing states.

The newly revised list of things to blame on President Obama is an effort to win over those particular voters.

RIGHT: Mitt Ryan and Paul Romney may indeed be on a sinking ship, if recent state-by-state polling is any indicator. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Guest speakers each delivered something different to blame on President Obama, aimed at certain constituencies lacking in the GOP political base. Lacking considerable support with women and ethnic minorities, the Republican party garnered more attention from these groups once they began with the scathing criticisms of the Obama administration.

Speaker of the House, John Boehner (OH), started off the final night of the convention with his signature fiery rhetoric, and then asserted that “Obama is the reason why public restrooms are always out of paper towels.”

Former Governor of Florida, Jeb Bush, explained the need for more fiscal responsibility and accountability in government. He also blamed President Obama for “that weird feeling you get when your arm falls asleep.”

Romney-Ryan campaign chairman Bob White delivered scathing criticism of the President to an excited crowd, exclaiming, “Obama’s harsh EPA regulations are to blame for the severe drought devastating America’s heartland. Obama is the reason why abusive husbands come home and take their frustrations out on loved ones. Our so called president can’t even protect us from asteroids on a collision course with planet Earth that he, himself, attracted here in the first place. Do we want four more years of Obama aborting all the fetuses from all the pregnant women of this nation? My answer is no!”

Senator Marco Rubio of Florida attacked President Obama’s immigration policy. He proclaimed “Obama doesn’t care for the Latin people. He only wants untraceable labor to construct his secret lair on an uncharted island shaped like a skull-spider.” He went on to add, “I heard he actually built a boat out of immigrants swimming the gulf. He toured the entire east coast before eating the whole boat in one sitting. That doesn’t sound like a President who respects the Hispanic population.”

Mitt Romney closed out the evening with his acceptance speech and quite possibly the most shocking accusations of the evening. In thirty-eight minutes, Romney managed to blame an impressive amount of things on the President. Among the more noteworthy accusations were “dental cavities,” “mutation of gonorrhea,” both the “French and Spanish Inquisition,” “the reason why Snape had to die in the end,” “rush hour traffic,” and even implicated him in connection with the death of Heath Ledger.

Republican strategist Steve Schmidt analyzed the new tactic and wrote, “This is the way the GOP can beat Obama in November. The previous claims were too soft. Who cares if he is a closet Muslim, totalitarian-socialist, or foreign national born in Kenya. The Republican Party needed a message with teeth, and I think they found it tonight.”

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Corporations Broker Historic Repub/Dem Compromise to Boost U.S. Economy


As unlikely as it may seem in the throes of an increasingly vicious national election, U.S. Republicans and Democrats appear to be in agreement on providing a major stimulant to the economy – the elections themselves.

Now that corporations are properly recognized as people and money as free speech, the coffers of both parties are filled to overflowing.

I was having a drink with a corporation the other day, and she explained (Disclosure: I had left my free speech in my other purse, so she paid the bill). “Our new ability to spend as much as we want to buy elections means that this can be a major source of economic activity.” Read the full story

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Mitt Ryan Picks Paul Romney for VP; and a Political Bromance Blossoms


In one of the most romantic scenes since Gosling kissed McAdams in the rain, former governor Mitt Romney of Massachusetts offered Congressman Paul Ryan of Wisconsin his hand in political matrimony.

Not only did Governor Romney offer Ryan a place at his side, he solidified his commitment by offering his name too. Congressman Ryan was so overwhelmed by the gesture, that he immediately did the same. Read the full story

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11 Reasons Sarah Palin Was A Better VP Pick Than Dick Cheney


Ex Minister of Vice Dick Cheney has come out (no, not out of the closet. Don’t we wish!) and said that Sarah Palin was a poor choice for Vice President. Well son of a gun! It’s the pot calling the kettle black!

Let’s take a look at why Palin WOULD have been a better vice President than Cheney ever was:

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First Weiner, Now Boehner, Caught Pants Down


In what can only be described as a doubly penetrating scandal, pictures have now emerged of an exposed Boehner. According to a source close to Boehner, the politician is currently involved in a scandal involving emails sent to a 68-year-old male resident of the Phillipines, named Ping Tong. Read the full story

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GOP Claims Use of Categorical Denials Indicates Supreme Leadership Skills


The Daily Trough reports that Grand Old Party Speaker of the House John Boehner has categorically denied political and special interests in current GOP debt-ceiling strategies.

A spokesperson on behalf of the party, who wishes to remain anonymous, has said, “We categorically reject that our aim is to obstruct any and all efforts by the Obama administration to work out a compromise. We are absolutely interested in compromise and serving the people of this great nation. Read the full story

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Bachmann Blasts Wikipedia; Google for Causing Slow Recovery


In a series of speeches the newly announced presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann blasted popular websites such as Google and Wikipedia for causing the slow economic recovery as pawns in President Obama’s grand plan for “turning our country into a nation of slaves.” Read the full story

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CDC Warns of New Fall Flu Strain Related to Elephants


ATLANTA, Georgia – (Glossy News) – The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta (CDC) have come out with warnings this week of a new strain of flu that is already showing signs of being a real problem this coming fall flu season. The reports claim the flu is related to elephants. Unlike the swine flu and avian flu viruses, which can affect anyone regardless of their socio-economic status, the pachyderm flu will be particularly bothersome in the upper echelons of society. Read the full story

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