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Morons Protest Lack of Equality


Local news is reporting that traffic has been shut down in Washington, D.C. after a new protest movement took to the streets to demand equality legislation for morons.

The massive throng of over 1 million morons arrived on Constitution Avenue just after 7am and began screaming at the National Museum of Art in hopes that their rights would be recognized.

Some protesters wore t-shirts reading “I’m a moron—get over it,” while others chewed furiously on rectal thermometers and faced reporters to explain the movement’s goals. Read the full story

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Helen Dragas Voted UVA’s “Most Admired”


As Thomas Jefferson looks down from his cloudy suite in heaven, he must be exceedingly proud of UVA for its latest attempt at breaking the status quo in popular trends.

According to a poll released Sunday morning, Board of Visitors Rector Helen Dragas is the University’s Most Admired person, with 70 percent of the student body giving her their support. Read the full story

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Piers Morgan Admits: “I’m Pretty Much a Wanker”


After months of struggle with public pressure in the United States and Great Britain, Piers Morgan has come out to confess that he is a wanker.

The admission came in a tearful interview with Oprah Winfrey, where the Limey Leprechaun discussed his deep thoughts on life as an international celebrity, including tips on how to overcome emotional distress. Read the full story

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Florida Woman Makes Son Turn Down TV to “Conserve Sound”


A Jacksonville, Florida native has drawn widespread attention after asking her son to turn down his television in order to save sound.

Gladys Welsh, age 83, was heard yelling to her son Timmy, age 45, to lower the volume on his set and conserve sound Thursday evening. A digital recording of the incident was leaked to the press on Friday morning, igniting the public firestorm. Read the full story

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Fatwa Declared Against GlossyNews Writer


LONDON, UK (GlossyNews) — A Fatwa has been declared against GlossyNews as a reaction to the thousands of articles ridiculing the Taliban, suicide bombers, Muslim clerics, Islamic law and a host of other things that seem strange and humorous to infidels. Internal GlossyNews security personnel issued a red alert throughout the elegant British headquarters at Number 12 Downing Street, which resides next to the Prime Minister’s offices. Read the full story

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