Tag Archive | "Politics"

Mitt Romney Adopts His Overseas Money; Emotional Reunion at Airport


BOSTON–It was quite the Hallmark moment for the Romney clan today as the former governor stood next to his campaign bus at the Logan International Airport, anxiously awaiting the arrival of his newly adopted sons.

And as his “precious cargo” emerged from the plane intact, he almost couldn’t restrain himself. Read the full story

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Charlie Sheen to Run for President of the President of the United States


NEW YORK—In a surprising move yesterday, Adonis Charlie Sheen announced that he would be running for POTUS (or President of the United States) in the upcoming election and that, obviously, everyone else who ran would fail and become “epic losers.” Read the full story

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U.S. House of Representatives Votes to Abolish Satire


The United States House of Representatives has recently conducted a bipartisan vote to abolish all forms of satire within the country in a move clearly designed to belie the widely held notion that Congress is the place where good ideas go to die. The following are transcripts from the subcommittee hearing and floor debate that led to the aforementioned vote. Read the full story

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Florida Gov. Rick Scott Steps Down Citing Medical Reasons


TALLAHASSEE — Florida Gov. Rick Scott stepped down today as leader of the Sunshine State after confidential reports surfaced, which we will not share. These private, personal, legally protected documents, which are confidential, prove the governor withheld a 2008 diagnosis of adult Asperger Disorder from voters.

Lt. Governor Jennifer Carroll was immediately sworn into office as Florida’s 46th governor. Read the full story

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Obama Defeats Romney in Hollywood Version of 2012 Presidential Election


LOS ANGELES – In a classic Hollywood ending that left audiences cheering and wiping tears from their eyes, President Obama triumphed over his Republican rival Mitt Romney in the 2012 U.S. presidential election, after staging a stunning come-from-behind upset that had seemed nearly impossible several scenes earlier. Read the full story

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GOP Halloween Haunted House of Terror Coming to Tampa


This coming Halloween season, you’ll get a chance to tour one of the scariest amusement attractions you’ll ever experience – if you have the stomach. I’m of course talking about the chillingly scary GOP Presidential Halloween Haunted House of Terror – sure to give even the most stouthearted independent voter nightmares. Read the full story

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Fidel Polled Better Than Newt in Miami


MIAMI, FL —GlossyNews In a revealing, some even said shocking, poll taken after the Jacksonville GOPTea™ debate in Florida, Fidel Castro came in 4% ahead of Newt Gingrich, one of the real candidates for the presidential primary contest. The poll has a MOE of ±.025% and was conducted in the city’s central semi-residential district. People who answered any of the street pay phones that were called were asked 3 questions. The questions were asked only in Spanish, but not with a Cuban accent. Read the full story

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The Tea Party’s bold plans to eliminate the debt completely by December 17th


Earlier this month, after a long and contentious fight between Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, our federal government narrowly avoided its first-ever credit default. People all over the world waited anxiously to find out whether our elected officials were going to voluntarily inflict economic suicide on the nation. In the final nail-biting hours, they reached a compromise to avert disaster – much to the bitter disappointment of every Tea Party member in America. Read the full story

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Santorum is Definitely ‘In It To Win It’


GMA NEW YORK —GlossyNews “We stood up and didn’t back away. We told everyone, ‘We’re In It to Win It,’ and we didn’t back down. Really, we didn’t back down,” former Senator Rick Santorum said. No one was standing next to him as he spoke at this televised pre-announcement press conference to announce his decision to have a presidential campaign kick-off press conference. Read the full story

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U.S. Senate to Open Boom-Boom Room for Gentleman Senators


In an effort to keep tabs on the rising number of misbehaving male Senators in Washington, the Senate Appropriations Committee has put aside $60,000 to revamp a vacant office in the Senate Building, turning it into a boom-boom room.

The “Fun Pit” is being designed by noted 70’s interior designer, Ernesto Ball, who is best known for his far out designs using vivid colors, shag carpeting and lots and lots of lava lamps. Read the full story

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Nation’s Satirists Stumped by “Don’t Say Gay” Bill


NEW YORK, NY—Comedians and “Fake News” Correspondents across the nation have been unable to produce any suitable material to satirize Tennessee’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill that advanced in the state’s Senate last month.

“It’s like they created the bill just to f**k with us,” one editor from The Onion told reporters, “I mean, we can’t think of anything more absurd than the proposed law itself. Read the full story

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Vermont Passes Immigration Law Aimed at Know-it-All Writers


Montpelier, VERMONT—Governor Peter Shumlin signed into law yesterday an Arizona-style bill to stop the immigration of know-it-all writers who are overcrowding the state’s MFA programs and forcing the state to create even more jobs that the writers are sure to be overqualified for once they realize no one wants to read their screenplay. Read the full story

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Campaigning underway in Al Qaeda leadership race


ISLAMABAD – [Glossy News] – The recent demise of Osama Bin Laden has left a vacuum at the heart of Al Qaeda, the world’s foremost terrorist organization.

There is no shortage of ambitious would-be Public Enemy Number One’s to fill the void however, and they are currently jostling for position in what has been dubbed the “Race to the Shite House.” Read the full story

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Trump Ends Presidential Bid Due to Medical Condition


Donald Trump announced today that he won’t be seeking the GOP nomination for President in 2012. While many speculated it was because he realized that he would have a hard time securing that nomination, even if he bought it, the truth is, he’s quitting on doctor’s orders.

Dr. Harvey Finkelstein, one of Trump’s many personal physicians, stated that his patient suffers from a severe case of thin skin. Read the full story

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Gay Community Finally Admits Plan To Ruin The Sanctity of Marriage


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Obama Boldly Removes Aioli Spreads from White House Menu


WASHINGTON DC—In an effort to prove that decreasing the U.S. deficit will require shared sacrifices, President Obama announced on Tuesday that he will eliminate aioli spreads from the White House Menu.

“Let me be clear. We are not limiting these cuts to the traditional Garlic aioli,” the President told a group of reporters at the White House on Tuesday afternoon, “No. We’re cutting all kinds of aioli—Chipotle, Basil, Dill, Tarragon, even Mint, despite the fact that it goes so well over the Braised Lamb Shanks with Thyme.” Read the full story

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