Tag Archive | "Politics"

Supreme Court Protects Corporations’ Right to Bear Arms


Washington D.C. – Today the Supreme Court upheld Corporations’ Second Amendment Rights.

This decision comes in the wake of the much controversial decision, FEC v. Citizens United, where the Court upheld corporations First Amendment rights to free speech by striking down provisions of the McCain-Feingold Act.

In the historic case of Wal-mart v United States, the supreme court extended the same constitutional liberties granted to free citizens of the United States to the mega store chain. the Justices were split in a 5-4 decision. The decision residing on whether or not corporations had the same rights as individuals since they were an assembly of individual citizens, including the second ammendment right to bear arms.

Right: Image appears courtesy of Heather Gillam. Click to enlarge.

Michael T. Duke, CEO of Wal-mart, said “This is a great day for liberty indeed. No longer does the American public have to be dependent on the United States Military for protection from foreign invasion, now they can get the same protection at a lower price.”

Wal-mart, employing more people than the US Army, has built a reputation of offering consumer goods and services at a cheaper price than any competitor.

Robson Walton, eldest son of the founder Sam Walton, explained “We already have enough firearms and ammunition to arm all of our employees. We also have the food and resources to provide Americans with a more adequate response to natural disasters than the military. We don’t want to replace the Military by any means, we just want to provide people with another option.”

Chief Justice Roberts wrote the majority opinion, stating “Corporations have been treated like second class citizens for far too long. It was our landmark decision in FEC v Citizens United that protected the freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution of these United States and had raised the question of corporations subservient role in our national context.

It is the opinion of the court that these patriots will be protected. We will no longer fear terror with the additional protection these private citizens will provide, to ensure freedom will be enjoyed by future generations without fear and prejudice.”

The dissenting opinion, written by Justice Sotomayor, was the shortest in the court’s history. It simply read “I’m moving to Canada.”

Mass mobilizations have been spotted around Target and K-Mart stores around the nation, Wal-mart citing the necessity for a preemptive strike before the “tyranny of these rouge chains can be contained.” Wal-Mart used grainy satellite imaging, processed at the Wal-Mart Photo Center impressively in under an hour, as evidence. These photos showed Wal-Mart’s competitors attempting to lower their prices in order to gain the capital necessary to arm themselves.

Wal-Mart, following their typical business model, has been purchasing armaments from China. They reported that “the Chinese have provided cheaper munitions, allowing Wal-Mart to provide world class security that a working class family can afford.”

Pentagon senior officials look forward to the relief provided by Americas corporations, going further to say “finally, the private sector is doing something to protect this nation.”

Duke, while cleaning a gold plated .45 caliber handgun asserted that “maybe now corporations will be granted the right to vote, guaranteed by the 14th amendment. Having to pay a politician to make sure your interests are met is such an arduous process, and unconstitutional if you ask me.”

Senate and House Republicans have rallied around the decision, emphasizing the reduced cost for future military conflicts they plan to blame on President Obama.

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Pop-up Ads Ruin Life in The Matrix


The appearance of pop-up ads in everyday reality has prompted leading scientists to speculate that what we perceive as “real life” is nothing more than a virtual reality simulation.

“And that’s not the bad news,” stated Dr. Zachary Smith, lead researcher at the Morpheus Institute of Computer Studies.

“The sharp increase in pop-up ads appearing at inopportune times has among other things, led to a rash of traffic accidents from obstructed fields of view. And it shows no sign of leveling off. In fact, it is increasing since this is an agonizingly long political year. At this rate life in this computer construct will absolutely SUCK in no time. Just today we’ve already had hundreds of people splattered with feces from political ads.” Read the full story

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Israel’s “War With Iran” Roadshow Ready For Tour


Not content with mere headlines, the Benjamin Netanyahu War-With-Iran-Roadshow is about to get underway.

A contingent of drummers, buglers, and dancing dwarfs will parade on American streets beating out their music, using the key refrain, “War with Iran! War with Iran! We want war with Iran!”

Ad-libbing is permitted, so the show invites audience participation with such lines as, “Let’s do it before November!” and “The sooner the better!” and “We love war! We can’t get enough of it!” Read the full story

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Mitt Romney Accepts Monkey on Back


Mitt Romney announced today that he will accept the Republican nomination for President wearing a STAPLES logo stitched to his back.

“And no, my friends,” Romney joked to the partisan crowd. “The logo won’t actually be stapled to my back. Hahahahaha.”

The presumptive candidate often cites the office supply box store as a job-creating, minimum-wage paying Bain Capital success story. Read the full story

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Romney Proposes Leveraged Buyout of California


ORANGE COUNTY, CA: Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney flipped burgers on a grill at a fundraising luncheon for his campaign in Laguna Beach today, priced at fifty thousand dollars per French fry with burger prices going to the highest bidder over one hundred thousand, cheese another twenty-five G’s.

After he missed the grill the third time – the burgers splatting on concrete immediately showed up on You Tube – he gave the spatula over to one of his traveling chefs and took a moment to lay out his bold plan to remedy California’s ailing economy and state debt. Read the full story

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Onion Intern Fired for Suggesting Satire on Obama Actually be Directed at Obama


CHICAGO–An intern for The Onion, a popular satirical newspaper based right here in the Windy City, was fired last week for violating the cardinal rule of media (yes, even satirical media).

Apparently, the young “reporter” submitted an idea to his editor to actually satirize President Obama. And no, he wasn’t kidding.

“Seriously?!” exclaimed the unbelieving editor. “Everyone (well at least I thought everyone) knows when we say bring us satire on Obama, that doesn’t mean satirize Obama! It means bring us something that merely uses Obama to make fun of the idiots on the other side.”

“But I thought we were supposed to be creating and defending the satire of politics, not the politics of satire?” replied the dimwitted intern quite dimwittedly.

“You see, there’s your problem: you thought. Oh, and by the way, you’re fired.”

It seems this is not the first time this particular moron has been told to ‘hit the bricks.’ His resume shows previously employment with The Daily Show for exactly one hour and before that, SNL, for much less.

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets TubesComments (3)

U.S. Senate Bursts into Spontaneous Verse


The Senate unexpectedly and unintentionally bursts into verse this morning as the legislators were conducting their routine opening procedures. The following is the official Congressional transcript of this incident.

CONGRESSIONAL RECORD

PROCEEDINGS AND DEBATES OF THE 112TH CONGRESS, SECOND SESSION

WASHINGTON, TUESDAY, JUNE 24 2012

SENATE

MORNING BUSINESS

The Senate met at 10 a.m. and was called to order by THE PRESIDENT PRO TEMPORE. Read the full story

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Mitt Romney Adopts His Overseas Money; Emotional Reunion at Airport


BOSTON–It was quite the Hallmark moment for the Romney clan today as the former governor stood next to his campaign bus at the Logan International Airport, anxiously awaiting the arrival of his newly adopted sons.

And as his “precious cargo” emerged from the plane intact, he almost couldn’t restrain himself. Read the full story

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Charlie Sheen to Run for President of the President of the United States


NEW YORK—In a surprising move yesterday, Adonis Charlie Sheen announced that he would be running for POTUS (or President of the United States) in the upcoming election and that, obviously, everyone else who ran would fail and become “epic losers.” Read the full story

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U.S. House of Representatives Votes to Abolish Satire


The United States House of Representatives has recently conducted a bipartisan vote to abolish all forms of satire within the country in a move clearly designed to belie the widely held notion that Congress is the place where good ideas go to die. The following are transcripts from the subcommittee hearing and floor debate that led to the aforementioned vote. Read the full story

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Florida Gov. Rick Scott Steps Down Citing Medical Reasons


TALLAHASSEE — Florida Gov. Rick Scott stepped down today as leader of the Sunshine State after confidential reports surfaced, which we will not share. These private, personal, legally protected documents, which are confidential, prove the governor withheld a 2008 diagnosis of adult Asperger Disorder from voters.

Lt. Governor Jennifer Carroll was immediately sworn into office as Florida’s 46th governor. Read the full story

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Obama Defeats Romney in Hollywood Version of 2012 Presidential Election


LOS ANGELES – In a classic Hollywood ending that left audiences cheering and wiping tears from their eyes, President Obama triumphed over his Republican rival Mitt Romney in the 2012 U.S. presidential election, after staging a stunning come-from-behind upset that had seemed nearly impossible several scenes earlier. Read the full story

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GOP Halloween Haunted House of Terror Coming to Tampa


This coming Halloween season, you’ll get a chance to tour one of the scariest amusement attractions you’ll ever experience – if you have the stomach. I’m of course talking about the chillingly scary GOP Presidential Halloween Haunted House of Terror – sure to give even the most stouthearted independent voter nightmares. Read the full story

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Fidel Polled Better Than Newt in Miami


MIAMI, FL —GlossyNews In a revealing, some even said shocking, poll taken after the Jacksonville GOPTea™ debate in Florida, Fidel Castro came in 4% ahead of Newt Gingrich, one of the real candidates for the presidential primary contest. The poll has a MOE of ±.025% and was conducted in the city’s central semi-residential district. People who answered any of the street pay phones that were called were asked 3 questions. The questions were asked only in Spanish, but not with a Cuban accent. Read the full story

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The Tea Party’s bold plans to eliminate the debt completely by December 17th


Earlier this month, after a long and contentious fight between Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, our federal government narrowly avoided its first-ever credit default. People all over the world waited anxiously to find out whether our elected officials were going to voluntarily inflict economic suicide on the nation. In the final nail-biting hours, they reached a compromise to avert disaster – much to the bitter disappointment of every Tea Party member in America. Read the full story

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Santorum is Definitely ‘In It To Win It’


GMA NEW YORK —GlossyNews “We stood up and didn’t back away. We told everyone, ‘We’re In It to Win It,’ and we didn’t back down. Really, we didn’t back down,” former Senator Rick Santorum said. No one was standing next to him as he spoke at this televised pre-announcement press conference to announce his decision to have a presidential campaign kick-off press conference. Read the full story

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