Tag Archive | "Politics"

Man Writes Angry Letter to Obama because of Fat Son After Quitting Smoking


Dear President Obama,

I quit smoking to get my body clean and healthy in order to go out and do drug studies for money. The things I have to do keep me from doing the things I want to do.

I want to smoke cigarettes, but I can’t, because they test for nicotine at the studies. I want to smoke pot with the Mexicans that hang out in my apartment complex, but I can’t, because they test for drugs. Read the full story

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Paul Ryan Devastated by Ayn Rand Revelation


During a campaign stop in Virginia Friday, Republican vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan was rocked by the revelation that Ayn Rand’s books were fiction.

He had intended to make a quick walk thru of a small locally owned book store when he stumbled upon the very books he bases his political philosophies on in the fiction section.

While this was a widely known fact, it appears that the revelation truly impacted his self confidence. He was quickly ushered back to his tour bus by his security detail and was not available for immediate comment.

After being questioned by several reporters at the event, a spokesman for the campaign would only offer this comment under the condition that their name not be revealed.

“This discovery has been very hard on our candidate. He has followed these books in his relentless desire to save our country and he was not emotionally prepared to have to deal with this type of information at this point in the campaign. He was repeatedly uttering that he now understood how it felt to be a Scientologist.”

The campaign could not provide information on whether Congressman Ryan would suspend his involvement in the campaign at this time or continue on until the general election.

This is a developing story and we will update you as more information becomes available.

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Vice-President Biden Begins Doping for Debate


Last week the big news for the 2012 presidential election was the worse-than-expected performance of President Obama in his match-up with former Governor, and Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney. Although Obama was able to firmly demonstrate that he did have a pulse, little else was evident from his reaction to the many contradictory statements made by his opponent.

That debate was the big match on the ticket for all debates in this election cycle and the undercard of the vice-presidential debate would not normally warrant much attention. Both of the vice-presidential candidates offer something unique to this cycle, one locked into a conservative mantra that leaves out all but the upper 1%, and one who can’t seem to keep his foot out of his mouth whenever the spotlight is shined upon him. Read the full story

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Election Update: Romney’s Brilliant Strategy to Win the Election


There are only a few more weeks until Election Day. Polls paint a bleak picture for Romney’s chances of winning the White House – which house is even lovelier than his ski chalet house in Park City, Utah, but not quite as lovely as his ocean-front house in La Jolla. But that’s not the point.

The point is that for weeks Romney has been playing defense thanks to some unfortunate gaffes like claiming that 47% of Americans are freeloading parasites, letting it slip that he and Vladimir Putin are longtime BFF pen pals, and accidentally admitting he is a New York Yankees fan (there goes the Massachusetts vote). Read the full story

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Romney’s Tax Records Show He’s Working for President Obama


WASHINTON D.C.- The Romeny campaign had contested showing Mitt’s 2011 returns for so long, and once released, every one understood why.

Mitt Romney had been on the Obama campaign’s payroll for quite some time.

“Mitt did a really good job acting like he was a serious contender for the presidency,” explains David Axlerod.

“I think recently, it became apparent that he was actually working for us. I mean, what candidate would have so many gaffes if he didn’t work for the other team?” Read the full story

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Romney Proposes Two Week Term Limit on Facts


Dayton, OH – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today announced a controversial plan to place term limits on facts.

During a campaign stop in Ohio, Romney was overheard telling a Koch brother that if elected he will immediately propose placing a two week term limit on all facts due to their “terroristic nature” and “un-American qualities.” Read the full story

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Occupy Living Room Protests Still Fighting On


SACRAMENTO- After federal indictments and search warrants have been issued to Occupy Wall Street protest leaders, the Occupy Living Room protests have been continually pressing on, despite harsh criticisms.

Although the Occupy Wall Street has lost momentum since last year, the Occupy Living Room movement has been gaining speed and intellectual gravity. Read the full story

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Was Romney’s Horse on Steroids at the London Olympics?


It’s now less than two months until the 2012 presidential election. The field of candidates has been whittled down to the Final 13. The short list includes several impressive independent candidates, like Robert Burck, better known to New Yorkers as the Naked Cowboy, Brian J. Moran of Texas, who, as best as anyone can tell, is the only candidate running this year on the Jedi party ticket, and Vermin Supreme, whose boldly fresh platform calls for an end to gingivitis and more investment in time travel research.

Vermin also courageously promises a free pony for every American. (This is 100% true.)

Fortunately, to make it easier for the average American to decide for whom to cast their vote, our electoral system has given two candidates a slight edge in the race to the White House: incumbent Barack Obama and that other guy, whose name temporarily escapes me because of the complete dearth of political ads on his behalf – no wait a minute, it’s coming to me. Yes, Mitt Romney.

At the two recent political conventions, both candidates made promises they have no intention of keeping and scurrilous attacks about their opponent’s record. Both made bold claims about how they plan to save Medicare, reduce the debt, create more jobs and piss off China.

Reporters have been asking pointed questions about how their plans will impact global warming of the middle class, reduce defense spending on the elderly, and protect the right to tax gay marriage. But so far, no one has asked the candidates the important questions that undecided, marginally aware voters with the attention span of a gnat want answers to, like Who’s running for president this year anyway?

Here are a few critical questions uninformed votes are demanding the candidates address once and for all:

• For Governor Romney: Your wife’s mare Rafalca performed well at the dressage competition in the recent London Olympics. What type of performance-enhancing drugs did she use? Same question about Rafalca?

• For Obama: You brag about how your bailout saved the U.S. automotive industry. As a result, my neighbor’s teenage son owns a new Camaro. He likes to rev the engine insanely loud at 2am and he’s installed an obnoxious horn that blares some AC-DC song. When are you going to impound his car?

• For Romney: Why won’t you reveal your elementary school report cards? What are you hiding?

• For Obama: With the First Dog, Bo, you appear to prefer dogs. When will you come out and admit once and for all that you hate cats and anyone who is a cat owner?

• For Romney: How do you get your hair to look so perfect all the time, with that slight touch of grey? Very distinguished. Do you use Grecian Formula? And if so, is Greece paying you a kickback?

• For Obama: How do you plan to destroy Medicare? Will you replace all physicians with Kenyan witch doctors, as a leaflet I received from Karl Rove said? Or would you be at least willing to consider hiring American witch doctors, in the interest of job creation?

• For Romney: In choosing Paul Ryan to be your running mate, how much of a role did his brilliant work as a child actor playing the part of Eddie Munster factor into your decision?

• For Obama: When you took out Osama bin Laden, isn’t it a fact that you were mainly after his incredible stash of porn for your personal collection, as I heard on Rush Limbaugh?

• For Romney: Some people complain that you only care about the rich, that you’re out of touch with the needs of the middle-class working person. My question is this: Which of your six homes has the awesomest view: your oceanfront estate in La Jolla or your ski lodge in Park City, Utah?

• For Obama: Earlier this year, you came out in favor of gays. What is it about heterosexuals that you despise so much, and which gay celebrity would you rather sleep with, Neal Patrick Harris or Anderson Cooper?

• For Romney: Some people are concerned that you will reverse banking regulation reforms that were instituted as a result of the financial collapse of 2008. Given your business investment experience with Bain Capital, my question is this: Do you think Apple is over-priced or should I still buy?

• For Obama: You admitted to using pot and cocaine as a teenager. Will you submit to a urine test, right now? I’ll look the other way while you pee into this cup.

Regardless of the candidates’ answers to these questions, most marginally informed voters’ decision about who to vote for may come down to the candidates’ last names. Romney’s name, when you scramble the letters spells R-MONEY. But Obama’s name, when you scramble it (and misspell it), spells A BOMB A! It would appear that Romney wants to give Americans back R money. Obama just wants to blow us all up. Based on this compelling argument, uninformed voters are leaning 5 to 1 in favor of Romney.

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Clint Eastwood Speaks at RNC, Warns Hurricane Isaac to ‘Get off my Lawn.’


Tampa- In a phenomenon that has left meteorologists stunned and searching for answers, Hurricane Isaac has unexpectedly retreated back into the Gulf of Mexico and petered out into a solitary storm cloud.

The storm’s demise coincided with Clint Eastwood’s arrival in Tampa, FL for the 2012 Republican National Convention, causing many of the actor’s fans to flock to the internet, attributing the legendary actor’s presence to Hurricane Isaac’s sudden end. Read the full story

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Supreme Court Protects Corporations’ Right to Bear Arms


Washington D.C. – Today the Supreme Court upheld Corporations’ Second Amendment Rights.

This decision comes in the wake of the much controversial decision, FEC v. Citizens United, where the Court upheld corporations First Amendment rights to free speech by striking down provisions of the McCain-Feingold Act.

In the historic case of Wal-mart v United States, the supreme court extended the same constitutional liberties granted to free citizens of the United States to the mega store chain. the Justices were split in a 5-4 decision. The decision residing on whether or not corporations had the same rights as individuals since they were an assembly of individual citizens, including the second ammendment right to bear arms.

Right: Image appears courtesy of Heather Gillam. Click to enlarge.

Michael T. Duke, CEO of Wal-mart, said “This is a great day for liberty indeed. No longer does the American public have to be dependent on the United States Military for protection from foreign invasion, now they can get the same protection at a lower price.”

Wal-mart, employing more people than the US Army, has built a reputation of offering consumer goods and services at a cheaper price than any competitor.

Robson Walton, eldest son of the founder Sam Walton, explained “We already have enough firearms and ammunition to arm all of our employees. We also have the food and resources to provide Americans with a more adequate response to natural disasters than the military. We don’t want to replace the Military by any means, we just want to provide people with another option.”

Chief Justice Roberts wrote the majority opinion, stating “Corporations have been treated like second class citizens for far too long. It was our landmark decision in FEC v Citizens United that protected the freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution of these United States and had raised the question of corporations subservient role in our national context.

It is the opinion of the court that these patriots will be protected. We will no longer fear terror with the additional protection these private citizens will provide, to ensure freedom will be enjoyed by future generations without fear and prejudice.”

The dissenting opinion, written by Justice Sotomayor, was the shortest in the court’s history. It simply read “I’m moving to Canada.”

Mass mobilizations have been spotted around Target and K-Mart stores around the nation, Wal-mart citing the necessity for a preemptive strike before the “tyranny of these rouge chains can be contained.” Wal-Mart used grainy satellite imaging, processed at the Wal-Mart Photo Center impressively in under an hour, as evidence. These photos showed Wal-Mart’s competitors attempting to lower their prices in order to gain the capital necessary to arm themselves.

Wal-Mart, following their typical business model, has been purchasing armaments from China. They reported that “the Chinese have provided cheaper munitions, allowing Wal-Mart to provide world class security that a working class family can afford.”

Pentagon senior officials look forward to the relief provided by Americas corporations, going further to say “finally, the private sector is doing something to protect this nation.”

Duke, while cleaning a gold plated .45 caliber handgun asserted that “maybe now corporations will be granted the right to vote, guaranteed by the 14th amendment. Having to pay a politician to make sure your interests are met is such an arduous process, and unconstitutional if you ask me.”

Senate and House Republicans have rallied around the decision, emphasizing the reduced cost for future military conflicts they plan to blame on President Obama.

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Pop-up Ads Ruin Life in The Matrix


The appearance of pop-up ads in everyday reality has prompted leading scientists to speculate that what we perceive as “real life” is nothing more than a virtual reality simulation.

“And that’s not the bad news,” stated Dr. Zachary Smith, lead researcher at the Morpheus Institute of Computer Studies.

“The sharp increase in pop-up ads appearing at inopportune times has among other things, led to a rash of traffic accidents from obstructed fields of view. And it shows no sign of leveling off. In fact, it is increasing since this is an agonizingly long political year. At this rate life in this computer construct will absolutely SUCK in no time. Just today we’ve already had hundreds of people splattered with feces from political ads.” Read the full story

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Israel’s “War With Iran” Roadshow Ready For Tour


Not content with mere headlines, the Benjamin Netanyahu War-With-Iran-Roadshow is about to get underway.

A contingent of drummers, buglers, and dancing dwarfs will parade on American streets beating out their music, using the key refrain, “War with Iran! War with Iran! We want war with Iran!”

Ad-libbing is permitted, so the show invites audience participation with such lines as, “Let’s do it before November!” and “The sooner the better!” and “We love war! We can’t get enough of it!” Read the full story

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Mitt Romney Accepts Monkey on Back


Mitt Romney announced today that he will accept the Republican nomination for President wearing a STAPLES logo stitched to his back.

“And no, my friends,” Romney joked to the partisan crowd. “The logo won’t actually be stapled to my back. Hahahahaha.”

The presumptive candidate often cites the office supply box store as a job-creating, minimum-wage paying Bain Capital success story. Read the full story

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Romney Proposes Leveraged Buyout of California


ORANGE COUNTY, CA: Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney flipped burgers on a grill at a fundraising luncheon for his campaign in Laguna Beach today, priced at fifty thousand dollars per French fry with burger prices going to the highest bidder over one hundred thousand, cheese another twenty-five G’s.

After he missed the grill the third time – the burgers splatting on concrete immediately showed up on You Tube – he gave the spatula over to one of his traveling chefs and took a moment to lay out his bold plan to remedy California’s ailing economy and state debt. Read the full story

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Onion Intern Fired for Suggesting Satire on Obama Actually be Directed at Obama


CHICAGO–An intern for The Onion, a popular satirical newspaper based right here in the Windy City, was fired last week for violating the cardinal rule of media (yes, even satirical media).

Apparently, the young “reporter” submitted an idea to his editor to actually satirize President Obama. And no, he wasn’t kidding.

“Seriously?!” exclaimed the unbelieving editor. “Everyone (well at least I thought everyone) knows when we say bring us satire on Obama, that doesn’t mean satirize Obama! It means bring us something that merely uses Obama to make fun of the idiots on the other side.”

“But I thought we were supposed to be creating and defending the satire of politics, not the politics of satire?” replied the dimwitted intern quite dimwittedly.

“You see, there’s your problem: you thought. Oh, and by the way, you’re fired.”

It seems this is not the first time this particular moron has been told to ‘hit the bricks.’ His resume shows previously employment with The Daily Show for exactly one hour and before that, SNL, for much less.

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets TubesComments (3)

U.S. Senate Bursts into Spontaneous Verse


The Senate unexpectedly and unintentionally bursts into verse this morning as the legislators were conducting their routine opening procedures. The following is the official Congressional transcript of this incident.

CONGRESSIONAL RECORD

PROCEEDINGS AND DEBATES OF THE 112TH CONGRESS, SECOND SESSION

WASHINGTON, TUESDAY, JUNE 24 2012

SENATE

MORNING BUSINESS

The Senate met at 10 a.m. and was called to order by THE PRESIDENT PRO TEMPORE. Read the full story

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