Tag Archive | "Politics"

Libertarian Realizes His Ideas Make No Sense


AUBURN – After years of internal struggle, a Libertarian activist has come forth and admitted his chosen ideology does not make any sense.

Jon Rockwell, 23, who likes to go by the nickname “Voluntaryist Rand,” told reporters that Libertarianism cannot be reconciled with the fundamentals of human nature and basic logic, no matter how much he wishes to believe so.

“I have spent years trying to back away from this singular point, but it’s no use. Libertarianism was my brother – I loved it, but nothing can stop these little grey cells of mine from issuing a verdict, ” he said. Read the full story

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Donald Trump Accepts Guest Of Honor Invitation To CPAC Surprise Celebrity Roast


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Ann Coulter Changes Affiliation, Will Now Be Proponent For Human Race


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Lew’s Treasury Secretary Position Secured, Economy Not


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Jesse Jackson Jr. To Run For Cell Block President After Sentencing


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Pol. Candidate Shocks Press with Actual Answer


America’s politics have just become more divisive after a candidate’s response to a question at his election press conference.

Mike Uno, 43, who is running for the Republican nomination in Virginia’s gubernatorial election this year, is at the center of the controversy. When Central Central News reporter Candy Bash asked him why he has not yet married, Uno responded “Because I’m smarter than your ex-husband.” Read the full story

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Mitt Romney Places Personal Ad in Wall Street Journal for ‘Friend’


Former GOP Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney took out a classified ad today in the Wall Street Journal seeking a new friend to “pal around with.”

“I have everything money can buy,” Romney said in an interview, “but I have never really taken the time to buy myself a good friend that I can just hang out with, watch the game with and just, you know, do friend things with.”

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

The classified ad states that the friend must have at least a graduate degree in either political science or economics, be financially secure, Mormon and married with at least two children. Read the full story

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California Implements “Purina Food Stamp” Program


Sinking Ship, CA – In a progressive move, the California Senate approved a law to provide for California Purina Stamps for pets. The law goes into effect on January 1, 2013.

Pet owners whose pets no longer possess the instinct for hunting and gathering will be provided for in a program similar to standard food stamp programs.

“This is a great day for California’s pets” Senator Alex Padilla, said enthusiastically. “It’s time for the 1% of the pets who chase vermin away from crops or who herd and/or protect farm animals from predators to start to look out for the other 99% of the pets who can no longer do those things. Read the full story

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Local Woman Orders at Deli, Is Reminded of Election


Worchester, MA – Esther Urville, manager at Norbert’s Garden Shop, too frazzled to brown bag her lunch this morning, ran to the local deli on her lunch hour. While placing her order, she was reminded, to her chagrin, of the election just passed.

“I wanted a roast beef sandwich, with pepperoni, black olives, onions, red peppers and three slices of swiss cheese without too many holes in them,” Mrs. Urville said. “When I ordered, they looked at me funny and said the only options were vegetarian or B.L.T. My first thought was how much it was like voting.” Read the full story

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Tea Party Raptured, Republican Leadership Abandons Christianity


GlossyNews.com – Every member of the Tea Party, Tea Party Patriots, National Tea Party Federation, Nationwide Tea Part Coalition and the People’s Front of Judea has disappeared without a trace.

Incidentally, sources in the Horn of Africa have reported the inexplicable appearance of several million loud, extremely irate, mostly diabetic and stark naked white people outside of a small village 80 miles to the west of Mogadishu. Read the full story

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Republicans Find God, Win Epic Game of Hide & Seek


Senator Chris Coons’ office has sent out a short brief detailing how the Congressman has finally found God, and put an end to a millennia-long game of hide and seek.

Asked to comment about his Earth-shaking discovery, Senator Coons had this to say:

“He was in the living room. Jesus Christ! He was in the living room! How could I have missed Him for so long?” Read the full story

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Romney to Sway Female Voters by Showing Compassion, Penis


Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today unveiled his new plan to persuade female voters to back his bid for the White House by showing them two things that have thus far remained firmly hidden: his compassionate, caring side and his vintage 1947 sexual organ.

He is hoping this strategy will win over voters who have so far been put off by policies that have been deemed as cold and uncaring, as well as those that will “get their kicks” from seeing photographic evidence of Romney’s “schlong”. Read the full story

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Senator Joe Manchin has Existential Crisis after Reading Facebook Comment


Facebook vigilante, Bobby D. Foster’s has struck yet another Senator.

The unprovoked Facebook comment reads as follows:

Dear Senator Manchin,

I just wanted to inform you that I am quite disappointed that your chin is not as manly as you name suggests. Have a nice day.

-BDF

The actual comment can be found here on Facebook. Read the full story

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Senator Alexander’s Facebook Falls Victim to Mildly Harassing Comment


Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander has reportedly suffered a mildly harassing comment on his official Facebook profile.

The offending remark was in response to an article the Senator posted which warned against the dangers of the looming fiscal cliff.

The following is a direct transcription of the comment:

“Dear Senator Alexander,
I just wanted to agree with you that heading toward a fiscal cliff is absolutely terrifying. Unless, of course, you have a fiscal hang glider. Then it would be pretty fiscally radical. Have a nice day.
-BDF”

The actual comment can be found here:

http://www.facebook.com/groups/405187662880509/.

The Extreme Sports League of America’s spokeswoman, Laurie Greatstone, has come out in protest against the remark.

“Fiscal hang gliding is a stupendously dangerous,” announced Ms. Greatstone at a recent press conference called in response to the post, “Dozens of amateurs died during last year’s fiscal cliff debacle. Encouraging others to take part in a sport that takes decades to master by calling it “pretty fiscally radical” is not only stupid, but also criminally irresponsible.”

Asked about the comment, Senator Alexander had this to say:

You damned kids with your newfangled roller blades, and walkmans, and fiscal hang gliders! Get the hell off my porch! (We were standing in the middle of the Capitol rotunda at the time of that quote)

The only known suspect, one Bobby D. Foster, who posted the comment, remains at large. If you have any information that could lead to his capture, please inform the Internet Police immediately.

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Senator Rubio’s Facebook Falls Victim to Mildly Harassing Comment


Freshman U.S. Senator Marco Rubio has reportedly suffered a mildly harassing comment on his official Facebook profile.

The offending remark was in response to an article the Senator posted which claimed, “Rubio slams Obama, Biden on economy.”

The following is a direct transcription of the comment:

“Dear Senator Rubio,

Your speech in Nevada was absolutely ravishing. I loved watching you mercilessly slam Obama and Biden over and over. You gave the president a real mouthful.

You just kept vigorously inserting knock after knock. I remember thinking to myself: how can Rubio possibly take these two guys at the same time? Is his endurance going to hold up? Is he going to get overwhelmed or tired and finish early?

But no! You stayed strong throughout. You lubed up the crowd and really got them to go down on your side. They were screaming for more and more! And you gave it to them. And when you did finally finish, I couldn’t help but burst at the rhetorical coup you just handed the Republicans. Then I fell asleep.”

The actual comment can be found here:

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=284706728311990&set=o.405187662880509&type=3&theater.

When asked to opine on the matter, Senator Rubio had the following to say:

“My Facebook profile? Really? You guys know I don’t ever check that thing. I get over 100 comments a day.”

Daniel Polanski, Rubio’s part-time social media intern was not as lucky as his boss. He was recently admitted to Georgetown University for near fatal exposure to innuendo.

“The double entendre…” muttered Daniel when I visited in the hospital ward, “It was just…it was just…it just kept coming, you know? All over me. I couldn’t take it all at the same time. It just penetrated so deep…into my soul. But I kept at it because I figured…if I took it out…of context…and went down fast…down the page…then it would end quickly, but it was just…it wouldn’t stop coming! The puns…the insinuation…they just wouldn’t stop!”

Daniel then lapsed into a coma.

The only known suspect, one Bobby D. Foster, who posted the comment, remains at large. When I confronted the chief FBI investigator concerning the slow pace of his investigation, he spilled his whiskey and soda down his bathrobe, let out a high pitched scream, asked me how the hell I’d gotten into his basement den, and promptly threw me out of his house.

If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Bobby D. Foster, immediately report him to the Internet Police.

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The ‘World’s Most Interesting Man’ Tells Why He Won’t Debate


Coast of Paraguay – (SatireWorld.com)

Fernando Monte Verde retired a number of years ago from a successful business career and at that time would have never believed he would one day be the envy of every male on the planet!

But today Fernando certainly is that man.

Fernando explains…”Two years ago, Dos Equis beer announced a world-wide search for the Most Interesting Man in the World. The requirements were simple. Read the full story

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