Tag Archive | "Osama bin Laden"

9/11/2001 – The Day After The Unimaginable Happened


(A book serial excerpt)

What would have happened had events occurred differently on 9/11?

The aircraft nosed through the mid morning sky. Outside the fuselage it was a sleek bird jetting its way through the air, its wings leaving contrails over the Midwest landscape far below it. It made for a peaceful picture. Or at least from the outside it did.

The plane wobbled occasionally. Lesser experienced hands were at the helm. Still it sailed on majestically, the way it was designed to. Inside there had been a disturbance that could have altered all that, but it was settled now. It sailed onward towards its destination, a new one.

Shortly it came in sight of the metropolis that it sought and began its long descent. The radar was turned off; eyes alone would be controlling its flight at this point.

The low altitude of the plane gave it a magnificent view of the whole city. One could make out the famous landmarks if one knew what to look for. Obvious was the Potomac.

A careful eye could pick out the Lincoln Memorial, the Smithsonian , the Washington Monument.

Shortly the pilots saw their destination. They began a controlled dive. And a chant in a language that those within earshot would not have understand had they still been alive.

Their goal was right before them. The words from their mouths were prayerful and hushed. A moments breath later the plane tore into the White House which a second before had been such a beautiful, majestic building.

“News Update! September 11, 2001 – A fourth passenger airliner has crashed into the White House probably killing President George W. Bush and an as yet unknown number of staff and visitors there.

Flight 93, originally flying over the Midwest to San Francisco, veered back east, crashing intentionally into the center of the White House. All on board are assumed dead.

Witnesses say they saw the plane veer down, taking a low altitude over central D.C., then crash directly into the Presidential building. A huge explosion rocked the structure moments later and now a thick flume of smoke rises from it.

A few survivors managed to get out of the East and West Wings relatively unharmed, but badly shaken. The President, who was to have gone on a trip to Texas, had to cancel at the last minute and is known to have been in the White House at the time of the horrific crash.

It is believed that a terrorist group is responsible for the attack and that it is most likely the same group is responsible for the crashes at the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.”

To the astute security personnel left alive in the vicinity of the White House it was obvious that their head boss was dead. Security turned the situation over to the Secret Service, those who were left and still functional, to find their new leader and get him to safety.

The search began for Dick Cheney.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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Malaysian Airliner Wins Gold in 2014’s Hide and Seek Olympic Tournament


Malaysian Airliner MH370 staff and passengers were officially declared 2014’s Hide and Seek gold champions by the International Olympics Committee this week leaving millions pissed that the team did not attempt to break the world record set by Osama Bin Laden back in 2001.

When questioned about the world record, President of the IOC, Thomas Bach, replied, “Never in my life have I seen such dedication set by a group of people such as these Malaysian folks. I have to say that pulling this off for weeks on end without help and only four people dead is a real achievement, but it wasn’t enough for them to become true hall-of-famers.” Read the full story

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Declassified Letters Reveal Bin Laden A Truly Beautiful, Gifted Writer


WASHINGTON D.C. – A collection of declassified letters written by the late al Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden, has revealed that the mastermind behind the September 11 attacks was a surprisingly beautiful and disciplined writer.

According to researchers at the US Military Academy, bin Laden, who was killed in a U.S. operation in Pakistan last May, displayed surprisingly intricate transitional development and advanced grammatical understanding throughout the 175-page cache seized by military forces during the raid on the Abbottabad compound. Read the full story

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Navy SEALS Book: Bin Laden Had Nude Pictures of Pippa Middleton on his Computer


Islamisbad, Pakistan – (SatireWorld.com)

Computer experts have being pouring over the treasure trove of intelligence data taken from the Osama Bin Laden compound raid in Pakistan last year.

Recent data downloaded from the hard drives and thumb drives show extensive pornographic material, again proving the al Qeada leader was a dirty old man as well as a homicidal maniac. Read the full story

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SEAL Team 6 Memoir Reveals Photo of Team Member Who Actually Shot Bin Laden


The Pentagon – (SatireWorld.com) History was made today when Cmdr. David Montgomery’s tell all book concerning the successful Navy SEAL Team 6 raid on the Osama Bin Laden compound last year made the NY Times best seller list. According to the book, which fully illustrates the behind the scenes activity hours before the raid, it seems it was lead by a former US President and he’s the one that actually killed Bin Laden with a carefully aimed head shot. Read the full story

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Osama bin Laden’s Post Mortem Bestsellers


It seems some of our most beloved Middle-eastern dictators penned a few novels before their untimely demises. Momar Khaddafi had written a romance novel before his beating by his own people and his buddy Saddam Hussein before his capture had written four romance (!) novels and had finished another in his prison cell before his execution. Read the full story

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Al-Qaeda Choice for Bin Laden Replacement Rocks


Al-Qaeda made a major announcement this week, promoting Ayman al-Zawahiri to fill its Chief Terrorist Officer post, a role that has been vacant since the death of its long-time leader, Osama bin Laden.

Al-Zawahiri’s greatest challenge will be convincing critics and diehard al-Qaeda purists that he is the right terrorist to fill bin Laden’s shoes.

“This is exactly like when a famous band gets a new lead singer. You have to win people over. Genesis, Van Halen, AC/DC – they all changed front men and still churned out the hits,” says music critic, Dean Branch. Read the full story

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Terrorized by Multiple Wives? You Might be a bin Laden


Terrorizing innocent, decent people isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. You get stuck sleeping with cretins who stink like deep-fried weasel, constantly eat curry-laced leftovers, and notice, too late, some jerk used all the toilet paper — no wonder Osama bin Laden always resembled a raving lunatic.

But what really sucked him down the pit of despair was shacking up with three wives. Read the full story

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Bin Laden’s Home Video “Bloopers” Found


Among the hoard of video footage found in Osama Bin Laden’s hideout were a number of out-takes and blooper tapes, it was revealed today. These tapes are a mixture of mistakes by Bin Laden himself while talking directly to camera and practical jokes he played on members of his entourage.

CIA analysts examining the tapes say that this new evidence has proved very useful in tracking down his terrorist network, as well as being “laugh-out-loud funny.” Read the full story

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Campaigning underway in Al Qaeda leadership race


ISLAMABAD – [Glossy News] – The recent demise of Osama Bin Laden has left a vacuum at the heart of Al Qaeda, the world’s foremost terrorist organization.

There is no shortage of ambitious would-be Public Enemy Number One’s to fill the void however, and they are currently jostling for position in what has been dubbed the “Race to the Shite House.” Read the full story

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Obama Not Reading Book Upside Down When Bin Laden Killed


It has already started, the “What were you doing when you heard the news that Osama bin Laden was killed?” Most of us were getting ready for bed or already there on a Sunday evening when the news broke. Not much else to remember, just that as soon as we heard, we couldn’t turn off the television. Read the full story

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Al Qaeda Confirms Bin Laden Dead; Organizational Changes


CAIRO — Al Qaeda issued this statement to Internet militant websites:

“We regret to announce that our Premier Leader, Usama bin Laden was killed Monday in plain sight at his home in the city of Abbottabad, Pakistan. Read the full story

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Osama Bin Laden Found by San Francisco Crackhead


SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. (Glossy News) — October 5, 2010, was as any other day in San Francisco. Tenderloin beat cop Mike McKenna stepped into his routine that morning, patrolling the stretch of Leavenworth that starts at Market Street and ends somewhere before the hills get too steep for the crack-heads to climb. Nibbling a cheese Danish, he explained to his partner Dan O’Maley, “I don’t like donuts, but these are great.” Then a fateful call came over the radio, ordering a response to the methadone clinic across from the YMCA. Read the full story

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Glossy News Sues Al Qaeda


THE HAGUE, The Netherlands — (GlossyNews) — Humor news media titan Glossy News announced today a lawsuit expected to redefine international intellectual property rights law, and possibly win the war against terror.

According to a brief filed in New York’s 4th District Court, while simultaneously brought before the WTO, and the Permanent Court of Arbitration, Al Qaeda has gone too far this time. At issue is the fanatical, murderous organization’s initial publication of a glossy paged news periodical. Read the full story

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New Video from Al Qaeda Claims Idiot Bomber Not Theirs


Somewhere in Cave – A new video has been released by Al Jazeera that they claim has come directly from Osama bin Ladin in which bin Ladin emphatically states that in no way was the recent attempted NY bombing the work of one of its operatives.

Bin Ladin specifically refers to the way the “bomb” was put together by saying that the training their operatives receive don’t involve the use of that much duct tape. In fact, bin Ladin goes so far as to say that if he didn’t know better, he’d think this guy got his training by watching the American show “America’s Dumbest Criminals.” Read the full story

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Al Qaeda Dusts Off the Usama Bin Laden Doll for Another Video


Cave Town, Pakistan (GlossyNews) — Al Queda has brought their ‘El Cid’ out into the fresh air again to renew belief in their cause and to yank the West’s chain. According to news sources Usama bin Laden has made a new video praising the Nigerian who tried to take down a US airplane with flaming underpants. The only problem with the whole schtick is that Usama is a has-bin Laden. He ain’t no more. Read the full story

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