Tag Archive | "obama"

U.S. considers sending sympathy cards to Syria rebels


The White House is considering sending sympathy cards to Syrian rebels, officials said, but no arrangements have been made.

A decision to supply sympathy cards would indicate a change in the Obama administration, which has resisted repeated requests to expand its concern in the Syrian conflict that has killed more than 70,000 people, mostly civilians.

The administration is also considering supplying chocolates, fruits, and other comforting goodies along with stuffed animals for the Syrian children that are tending to their wounded brothers, sisters, and parents. Read the full story

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Shaking in Fear, Oil Covered Congress Presses Obama to Approve Keystone XL Pipeline


Covered in what appears to be various amounts of crude oil, Congress is increasing pressure on the Obama administration to approve work on the long-delayed Keystone XL oil sand pipeline.

They argue that the pipeline, which plans to carry large volumes of heavy oil from the Canadian tar sands to the southern United States, will help lower the nation’s energy cost, create more jobs, and provide a boost to the economy. Read the full story

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“Yoga Pants in Public” Innovator to Receive Congressional Medal of Freedom


In one of the first truly bipartisan initiatives in recent memory, the 113th US Congress voted overwhelmingly this morning to award the innovator of the “yoga pants in public” women’s fashion trend with the nation’s highest civilian honor, the Congressional Medal of Freedom.

Yoga pants left the gym in early 2012 and emerged as an everyday fashion item. The skin-tight garments can be seen from the supermarket to the runway and are especially popular on college campuses. Read the full story

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Obama releases children’s book as ‘full legal basis’ for drone strikes


In response to House Democrats demanding that President Barack Obama release information on the White House Administration’s use of drone strikes, congress was sent a copy of “Our Friend Danny Drone,” a children’s book written by Obama.

Inside sources have provided a preview of the book’s contents. Read the full story

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I’m Not Racist or Anything, BUT (comic)


We’ve all heard that phrase a good few dozen times. Some of us have even said it a time or two. But what does it mean? How do those potentially demeaned in our subsequent statements feel?

America is far from post-racial. The election of Obama has only polarized racial tensions even further. Our president receives far more death threats than any president before him… but why? His policies aren’t radical, or even that much different than his predecessor… so what could it possibly be about? Read the full story

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Obama under fire for calling Quvenzhane Wallis the C-Word


President Barack Obama joked about a wide variety of subjects on Saturday at the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner, but has outraged some with the distasteful quip he made about Quvenzhane Wallis, the Academy Award nominated nine-year old ‘Beasts of the Southern Wild’ actress.

Obama began his speech by entering to the rap track “All I Do Is Win” and went on to joke about not being “the strapping young Muslim Socialist” that he used to be.

He followed with “And Quvenzhane Wallis is kind of a c*nt, right?” He then went on to a presentation of shots featuring himself with his wife’s bangs. Read the full story

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How America’s Various Factions View Obama (comic)


How do liberals view Obama? How do conservatives view Obama? These as well as the views of Evangelicals, FOX News, Michele Bachmann and more are covered.

I didn’t cover the socialist or communist view of Obama, mostly because I lack the art skillz to do such things. I hit the biggest bases as hard as I could, and I think I’m sufficiently fair across the board.

Scroll down to see the cartoon. Read the full story

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Report: Biden to Become Prime Minister of Italy


After weeks of crisis and gridlock, Italians have a new prime minister, and his name is Biden. That is, Joseph Robinette Biden.

America’s vice president was selected for the position after consensus picks such as Oliver Stone and Roman Polanski lost out due to a last minute revolt by Silvio Berlusconi’s People of Freedom Party, which desired to put Monica Bellucci in the position. Read the full story

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Report: TSA Agents Receive Eternal Cavity Searches in Hell


Washington is ablaze with fury after one of Satan’s lieutenants accidentally leaked the conditions of punishment for TSA agents in Hell, which include cavity searches that never ever end.

Buroz Baliferous, a lower demon who works under Satan in the Department of Purgatory Projects, mistakenly emailed details of how the federal workers are treated when they pass through hell’s front gate after a life of pan-molestation to Congressman Hank Johnson’s office. Read the full story

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Obama Angry He “Can’t” Kill American Citizens


Members of the press core were violently ejected from the White House yesterday after President Obama went into a fit of rage over the fact that the Constitution prohibits him from killing innocent American citizens.

“It’s not fair! My drone strikes have killed hundreds of Pakistanis in the past four years. At this point, who cares where the targets are, or whether they are brown or not?” Read the full story

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Sequestration Castration


The dreaded Sequestration is upon us. Which is much like the feared Fiscal Cliff. Which is similar to the 2012 Mayan Apocalypse. Which is related to Y2K.

Which is similar to the Bush II administration… wait a minute! That was a real disaster that actually happened! Brrrrrrr… and scary too!

Both sides are giving us horror stories that are like the really cheap ghost story books that you find in dollar stores. They are also about as flimsy and thin as those inexpensive Halloween masks that your mother bought you as kids that collect a teaspoons worth of spittle every time you breathe out.

Of course, the cuts don’t hurt the big boys, they hurt the little people like us.

Until now.

Unbeknownst to the Senators, Legislators and other members of the ruling elite, there is a whole section of clauses hidden in the obscure and thick wording of the Sequestration that cuts their pay to half, eliminates their insurance, cancels their Secret Service protection, wipes out their perks and states that they have to clean their own dishes.

Government officials, notorious for not thoroughly reading bills brought to their desk are in for a rude awakening once the Sequestration gets going full swing.

Already a couple of lower echelon staff have discovered the oversight and are frantically trying to reach their bosses with the news before the Sequestration gets too entrenched. This is hampered by the fact that it is difficult to get through to the exclusive golf clubs and upscale foreign bordellos where they are holed up. The staff themselves have a great interest in reaching them because they will be the first to feel the budget ax.

Word has quickly spread throughout the underground Internet where people such as you and I are eager to watch as they realize their mistake and start running around like weasels with their heads cut off. Much like we have to do at the low paying crap jobs which are available to the working class in our modern America at the moment.

– – – –

FLASH NEWS UPDATE! – Both Congress and the Senate have met in an emergency session starting at 3 AM eastern time to resolve the Sequestration crisis. Senators and Legislators have been catching red-eye flights to make sure they get new proposals passed before their perks start disappearing.

Politicos across the Washington spectrum started panicking when their Congressional credit cards started voiding their purchases all around the globe. Angry calls from spouses on shopping sprees suddenly flooded cell phones throughout Washington.

YET ANOTHER FLASH NEWS UPDATE!- Washington in an amazing feat of speed and focus passed a set of bills in a record 55 minutes at 3:55 eastern time this morning. This now sets the Guinness book of world records for the shortest amount of time for Congress to get anything through its doors. Congressmen were seen wiping their foreheads in relief as they left.

Unfortunately, they only passed bills related to their benefits and pay. The rest of the countries citizens will have to wait until they reconvene on Monday.

If not longer.

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Morons Protest Lack of Equality


Local news is reporting that traffic has been shut down in Washington, D.C. after a new protest movement took to the streets to demand equality legislation for morons.

The massive throng of over 1 million morons arrived on Constitution Avenue just after 7am and began screaming at the National Museum of Art in hopes that their rights would be recognized.

Some protesters wore t-shirts reading “I’m a moron—get over it,” while others chewed furiously on rectal thermometers and faced reporters to explain the movement’s goals. Read the full story

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Posted in Strange PeopleComments (1)

Conservatives Furious Over Historical Implications Of Mississippi Error


Due to an error in not filing documents stating Mississippi’s ratification of the 13th amendment ending slavery, historical references will now show that slavery ended under President Obama’s second term. Speaker of the House John Boenher stated, “How many lucky f#&%ing breaks can that guy get!”

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Senator Warns of Impending Attack on Family Values


A US Senator is drawing the nation’s attention after publicizing a report suggesting an attack on family values is imminent.

Addressing a hastily-organized press conference Friday morning, Senator Tate Williams of Arkansas explained that his staff on the United States Senate Select Committee on Intelligence has intercepted reports of planned military action against family values in America by the Liberal Looney and Gay Alliance of California (the LLGAC). Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, War ZoneComments (2)

Video Game Review: Presidential Drone Hit List


Summary

Presidential Drone Hit List makes you work to find the people you’re supposed to kill, but the job of doing so is relatively easy and without risk.

RIGHT: Presidential Drone Hit List (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Posted in War ZoneComments (4)

Obama Resigns… Almost


In a surprise announcement, Barack Obama has decided to step down. Foregoing the balance of his second term, the President will pass on the executive reins of government to his vice president, Joe Biden.

Obama revealed his decision during his latest Sunday radio address. After outlining a progressive agenda for the next four years, he sighed and simply said that he didn’t have the patience or will to carry through with those plans. Read the full story

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