Tag Archive | "obama"

Scandal: Obama Admits Pansexual Affair


WASHINGTON – Tears and beers were the currency in the West Wing as news broke that President Barack Obama confessed to a “torrid and greasy” pansexual affair.

Obama could scarcely hold back the tears as he recounted to the press details of his many intimate encounters with a Cuisinart 2000 frying pan during the period of October 2011 to January 2013, when he finally was enough relieved by entering into a second term and broke off the relationship. Describing the affair Obama said: Read the full story

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“Gun of Passion” Argument Likely to Acquit Zimmerman


SANFORD – The prospects of George Zimmerman’s conviction are looking grim after his defense lawyers presented an incredible, jaw-dropping defense of the former neighborhood watchman: the gun of passion.

Zimmerman’s attorneys offered the argument after hearing a long, and often intellectually stimulating testimony by Rachel Jeantel, who allegedly has “da dirt on whitey.” When Jeantel finished, lead defense lawyer Don West took the floor and cleared his throat, saying: Read the full story

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Obama defends U.S. alliance with al-Qaeda


It’s not easy to get an interview with the U.S. President. I had to pretend I was compliant journalist David Gregory, but it worked. Here is our conversation.

Barb Weir: Thank you for granting me this interview, Mr. President.

Obama: I owe you, David, after you suggested that Glenn Greenwald should be charged with a crime for interviewing that spy, Edward Snowden. How could that traitor reveal that the U.S. government is spying on the American people? I know you would never report something like that. We need more journalists like you.

RIGHT: Undercover reporter Barb Weir interviews President Barack Obama. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Libertarians Claim James Gandolfini Killed By CIA


In the wake of The Sopranos star James Gandolfini’s sudden death,libertarians everywhere are saying the actor was assassinated by the Central Intelligence Agency.

Just after getting word of the Gandolfini’s tragic passing, the website ronpaulrulz posted the following conspiratorial explanation:

Libertarians and freedom-loving people everywhere refuse to accept the mainstream corporate media’s account of Jimbo Gandolfini’s death.

Our eyes have been opened, and we are putting down the Kool-Aid in exchange for some Natty Light, with Liberty Constitution at our side. Gandolfini was in fact killed because his role as organized crime boss Tony Soprano spat directly in the face of big government and authoritarian politics.

By running his business like John Galt would if we had an absence of government, with every man for himself, Soprano symbolized everything hated by the establishment. In killing off Jimbo, the CIA was finally able to exact revenge for his noxious quibbling against their tyranny.

Martine Nicole of Paris expressed similar suspicions, saying “The evidence is startling. This unfunny and not satirical practice of the people believing mainstream journalism is positively unnerving. If we only listened to true free market sources like Russia Today, then the misconception would be completely cleared up.”

Another libertarian from New Hampshire said: “If Ron Paul was president, and Gary Johnson was VP, we would have a full explanation for why Gandolfini died. Better yet, BDSM would be legalized between men and boys, because as we all know, government is tyranny.”

Although reports are still coming in, some sources say the libertarian skeptics are planning a mass protest in Washington, D.C. which will include the consumption of great amounts of laxatives.

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Plumbers Rush to Stop NSA Leak


FORT MEADE – After gaining word of a tremendous NSA leak, plumbers from across the country dashed to Maryland in hopes of averting an insurance claim disaster.

Led by Joe Wurzelbacher and John McCain, the group of crusading pipe-fixers donned 1UP t-shirts and sang the Mario Bros. theme song as they surrounded the NSA headquarters and formed a human wall against the leaking ooze, which is believed to have originated in a clogged septic tank in the building’s basement. Read the full story

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Michele Bachman Comes Out as Eggplant


ST. PAUL – Democrats and Republicans alike are in shock after famed Congresswoman Michele Bachmann announced her exit from the closet as a proud American Eggplant.

The move, which came after her recent decision not to seek reelection to the U.S. House of Representatives, is being called the “new, softer side” of the Minnesota firebrand.

Standing before the press corps on the veranda of her home with husband Marcus at her side and wearing a full-sized eggplant costume with a green stalk hat, Bachmann explained how she came to accept her identity as an eggplant, something she has struggled with since her early days living in a Kibbutz in Israel.

“I always saw myself as an eggplant in Israel, and believe this change is all for the better. As President Obama continues to ramp up his plans to invade our greatest ally and install Van Jones as dictator of Jerusalem, the country needs a strong advocate for its own defense.” Read the full story

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Report: Obama Fails to Check Privilege


The White House is on the defense after President Obama was caught failing to check his cisgender privilege at the announcement of a new cabinet appointment.

According to reports, the president referred to UN Ambassador nominee Norrie Powers as “she,” violating the general principles of respect for unique sexual identities. Powers is in fact a neutral sex, non-binary genderqueer, omnigendered, transman, pangender, aromantic, demisexual and anti-sexual transfag. Read the full story

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Report: Libertarianism Classified As Mental Disorder


In a development that is stirring nationwide anger, the American Psychological Association has released a report classifying Libertarianism as a mental disorder.

Head researcher Paul Keynes discussed the organization’s findings, which were gleaned from a 10-year study that interviewed and tested over one hundred thousand self-described libertarians. He said: Read the full story

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Sarah Palin Receives PhD in General Studies


Conservatives around the nation are rejoicing at news that former Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska has be awarded a Doctorate of Philosophy in General Studies by Pensacola Christian College.

According to sources close to the governor, Palin began working on the program online soon after losing the 2008 presidential election alongside John McCain.

Due to her conservative credentials, Palin had about thirty percent of the 72 units required for the doctorate waved, giving her a head start in the program. Read the full story

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The BRAIN Initiative: Obama’s Announcement


Barack rubbed weakly at his temples, which were sore and rough to the touch. He breathed slowly, in and out, as he tried to focus his racing mind, burdened by the thoughts of millions.

He noticed through the window the slightest shift of light from the setting sun as he made his way to a makeshift podium, isolated and ready for him to make the announcement: one that would change humanity.

He was not yet used to the increased sensitivity to light and sound, the endless knowledge, or the frequent migraines and muscle aches that were to be expected, but still crippling. Read the full story

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White House Administration consults with Department of UAV secretary Ryan YQM-98A R-Tern


Following a previous filibuster of John Brennan’s nomination to be CIA director, the Obama White House is said to be having closed door meetings with Department of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles secretary and well known developmental reconnaissance drone Ryan YQM-98A R-Tern (also known as Compass Cope R).

President Barack Obama is said to be consulting with Ryan after the administration was asked, “Can you use a drone to kill an American on American soil?” Read the full story

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U.S. considers sending sympathy cards to Syria rebels


The White House is considering sending sympathy cards to Syrian rebels, officials said, but no arrangements have been made.

A decision to supply sympathy cards would indicate a change in the Obama administration, which has resisted repeated requests to expand its concern in the Syrian conflict that has killed more than 70,000 people, mostly civilians.

The administration is also considering supplying chocolates, fruits, and other comforting goodies along with stuffed animals for the Syrian children that are tending to their wounded brothers, sisters, and parents. Read the full story

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Shaking in Fear, Oil Covered Congress Presses Obama to Approve Keystone XL Pipeline


Covered in what appears to be various amounts of crude oil, Congress is increasing pressure on the Obama administration to approve work on the long-delayed Keystone XL oil sand pipeline.

They argue that the pipeline, which plans to carry large volumes of heavy oil from the Canadian tar sands to the southern United States, will help lower the nation’s energy cost, create more jobs, and provide a boost to the economy. Read the full story

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“Yoga Pants in Public” Innovator to Receive Congressional Medal of Freedom


In one of the first truly bipartisan initiatives in recent memory, the 113th US Congress voted overwhelmingly this morning to award the innovator of the “yoga pants in public” women’s fashion trend with the nation’s highest civilian honor, the Congressional Medal of Freedom.

Yoga pants left the gym in early 2012 and emerged as an everyday fashion item. The skin-tight garments can be seen from the supermarket to the runway and are especially popular on college campuses. Read the full story

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Obama releases children’s book as ‘full legal basis’ for drone strikes


In response to House Democrats demanding that President Barack Obama release information on the White House Administration’s use of drone strikes, congress was sent a copy of “Our Friend Danny Drone,” a children’s book written by Obama.

Inside sources have provided a preview of the book’s contents. Read the full story

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Obama under fire for calling Quvenzhane Wallis the C-Word


President Barack Obama joked about a wide variety of subjects on Saturday at the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner, but has outraged some with the distasteful quip he made about Quvenzhane Wallis, the Academy Award nominated nine-year old ‘Beasts of the Southern Wild’ actress.

Obama began his speech by entering to the rap track “All I Do Is Win” and went on to joke about not being “the strapping young Muslim Socialist” that he used to be.

He followed with “And Quvenzhane Wallis is kind of a c*nt, right?” He then went on to a presentation of shots featuring himself with his wife’s bangs. Read the full story

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