Tag Archive | "obama"

Obama to cut education funding in “polarizing” move


In a highly polarizing move, President Obama announced he is using his executive powers to cut federal education funding by 50% in order to install polarized windows in the White House.

When reached for comment, President Obama said:

“In order to better serve our country, I need to have a clearer view of our future.”

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Assad agrees to cooperate in “symbolic strike” against Syria


The Assad regime in Syria today agreed to cooperate in a “symbolic strike” against itself. “We understand the need for the U.S. to maintain its prestige and credibility,” said a Syrian government official, on condition of anonymity, “and if bombing some unused installation in the middle of nowhere will make them feel better, we’re willing to help.”

RIGHT: Tomahawk missile on a symbolic mission. [CLICK TO ENLARGE] Read the full story

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Obama constituency overwhelmingly supports war with Syria


Despite a Reuters/Ipsos poll showing that only 9% of Americans support military intervention in Syria, the White House today assured the public that a more recent and reliable poll leaves no doubt that the President’s constituency favors war.

The poll was conducted by Defense Industries Systems Information, Inc. (DIS Information). It shows that 99.9% prefer increased U.S. military intervention. The poll has a .1% margin of error. DIS Information spokesperson Lyon Daly spoke to this reporter about the polling methodology and findings.

RIGHT: Obama supporters discuss Syria options. Read the full story

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Samantha Power: Israel to replace US on Security Council


Samantha Power, President Barack Obama’s nominee to replace outgoing U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, Susan Rice, has promised to push for a UN Security Council seat for Israel. (Loyalty to Israel is considered a prerequisite for high office, and creative ways of advancing Israel’s agenda are often rewarded with career advancement.)

RIGHT: Samantha Power completes her training. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Historic compromise – Snowden and Obama both to stand trial


This reporter has learned from confidential sources that have top security clearance and a ticket to Hong Kong that there will be a major compromise in the Snowden case.

Mr. Snowden, who has been indicted for espionage, theft and conversion of government property, has agreed to be extradited and stand trial before the U.S. Supreme Court in exchange for a reciprocal arrangement from the U.S. government. The U.S. would agree to turn over President Barack Obama to stand trial for violation of the fourth amendment rights of 313,914,040 American citizens as well as the killing of 4606 civilians in drone assassinations in at least six countries. Read the full story

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Scandal: Obama Admits Pansexual Affair


WASHINGTON – Tears and beers were the currency in the West Wing as news broke that President Barack Obama confessed to a “torrid and greasy” pansexual affair.

Obama could scarcely hold back the tears as he recounted to the press details of his many intimate encounters with a Cuisinart 2000 frying pan during the period of October 2011 to January 2013, when he finally was enough relieved by entering into a second term and broke off the relationship. Describing the affair Obama said: Read the full story

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“Gun of Passion” Argument Likely to Acquit Zimmerman


SANFORD – The prospects of George Zimmerman’s conviction are looking grim after his defense lawyers presented an incredible, jaw-dropping defense of the former neighborhood watchman: the gun of passion.

Zimmerman’s attorneys offered the argument after hearing a long, and often intellectually stimulating testimony by Rachel Jeantel, who allegedly has “da dirt on whitey.” When Jeantel finished, lead defense lawyer Don West took the floor and cleared his throat, saying: Read the full story

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Obama defends U.S. alliance with al-Qaeda


It’s not easy to get an interview with the U.S. President. I had to pretend I was compliant journalist David Gregory, but it worked. Here is our conversation.

Barb Weir: Thank you for granting me this interview, Mr. President.

Obama: I owe you, David, after you suggested that Glenn Greenwald should be charged with a crime for interviewing that spy, Edward Snowden. How could that traitor reveal that the U.S. government is spying on the American people? I know you would never report something like that. We need more journalists like you.

RIGHT: Undercover reporter Barb Weir interviews President Barack Obama. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Libertarians Claim James Gandolfini Killed By CIA


In the wake of The Sopranos star James Gandolfini’s sudden death,libertarians everywhere are saying the actor was assassinated by the Central Intelligence Agency.

Just after getting word of the Gandolfini’s tragic passing, the website ronpaulrulz posted the following conspiratorial explanation:

Libertarians and freedom-loving people everywhere refuse to accept the mainstream corporate media’s account of Jimbo Gandolfini’s death.

Our eyes have been opened, and we are putting down the Kool-Aid in exchange for some Natty Light, with Liberty Constitution at our side. Gandolfini was in fact killed because his role as organized crime boss Tony Soprano spat directly in the face of big government and authoritarian politics.

By running his business like John Galt would if we had an absence of government, with every man for himself, Soprano symbolized everything hated by the establishment. In killing off Jimbo, the CIA was finally able to exact revenge for his noxious quibbling against their tyranny.

Martine Nicole of Paris expressed similar suspicions, saying “The evidence is startling. This unfunny and not satirical practice of the people believing mainstream journalism is positively unnerving. If we only listened to true free market sources like Russia Today, then the misconception would be completely cleared up.”

Another libertarian from New Hampshire said: “If Ron Paul was president, and Gary Johnson was VP, we would have a full explanation for why Gandolfini died. Better yet, BDSM would be legalized between men and boys, because as we all know, government is tyranny.”

Although reports are still coming in, some sources say the libertarian skeptics are planning a mass protest in Washington, D.C. which will include the consumption of great amounts of laxatives.

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Plumbers Rush to Stop NSA Leak


FORT MEADE – After gaining word of a tremendous NSA leak, plumbers from across the country dashed to Maryland in hopes of averting an insurance claim disaster.

Led by Joe Wurzelbacher and John McCain, the group of crusading pipe-fixers donned 1UP t-shirts and sang the Mario Bros. theme song as they surrounded the NSA headquarters and formed a human wall against the leaking ooze, which is believed to have originated in a clogged septic tank in the building’s basement. Read the full story

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Michele Bachman Comes Out as Eggplant


ST. PAUL – Democrats and Republicans alike are in shock after famed Congresswoman Michele Bachmann announced her exit from the closet as a proud American Eggplant.

The move, which came after her recent decision not to seek reelection to the U.S. House of Representatives, is being called the “new, softer side” of the Minnesota firebrand.

Standing before the press corps on the veranda of her home with husband Marcus at her side and wearing a full-sized eggplant costume with a green stalk hat, Bachmann explained how she came to accept her identity as an eggplant, something she has struggled with since her early days living in a Kibbutz in Israel.

“I always saw myself as an eggplant in Israel, and believe this change is all for the better. As President Obama continues to ramp up his plans to invade our greatest ally and install Van Jones as dictator of Jerusalem, the country needs a strong advocate for its own defense.” Read the full story

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Report: Obama Fails to Check Privilege


The White House is on the defense after President Obama was caught failing to check his cisgender privilege at the announcement of a new cabinet appointment.

According to reports, the president referred to UN Ambassador nominee Norrie Powers as “she,” violating the general principles of respect for unique sexual identities. Powers is in fact a neutral sex, non-binary genderqueer, omnigendered, transman, pangender, aromantic, demisexual and anti-sexual transfag. Read the full story

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Report: Libertarianism Classified As Mental Disorder


In a development that is stirring nationwide anger, the American Psychological Association has released a report classifying Libertarianism as a mental disorder.

Head researcher Paul Keynes discussed the organization’s findings, which were gleaned from a 10-year study that interviewed and tested over one hundred thousand self-described libertarians. He said: Read the full story

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Sarah Palin Receives PhD in General Studies


Conservatives around the nation are rejoicing at news that former Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska has be awarded a Doctorate of Philosophy in General Studies by Pensacola Christian College.

According to sources close to the governor, Palin began working on the program online soon after losing the 2008 presidential election alongside John McCain.

Due to her conservative credentials, Palin had about thirty percent of the 72 units required for the doctorate waved, giving her a head start in the program. Read the full story

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The BRAIN Initiative: Obama’s Announcement


Barack rubbed weakly at his temples, which were sore and rough to the touch. He breathed slowly, in and out, as he tried to focus his racing mind, burdened by the thoughts of millions.

He noticed through the window the slightest shift of light from the setting sun as he made his way to a makeshift podium, isolated and ready for him to make the announcement: one that would change humanity.

He was not yet used to the increased sensitivity to light and sound, the endless knowledge, or the frequent migraines and muscle aches that were to be expected, but still crippling. Read the full story

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White House Administration consults with Department of UAV secretary Ryan YQM-98A R-Tern


Following a previous filibuster of John Brennan’s nomination to be CIA director, the Obama White House is said to be having closed door meetings with Department of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles secretary and well known developmental reconnaissance drone Ryan YQM-98A R-Tern (also known as Compass Cope R).

President Barack Obama is said to be consulting with Ryan after the administration was asked, “Can you use a drone to kill an American on American soil?” Read the full story

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