Tag Archive | "NSA"

Glossy News Book Showcase 5: Benjamin Cain’s ‘God Decays’


Howard Rhodes, an NSA cryptanalyst, engineered the zombie apocalypse. So said the President of the United States in his shocking final address to the nation, which served as the American epitaph.

Four years later, the old world is in ruins and is stalked by the living dead.

Many survivors keep journals to record their travails in the hope that their lives still matter. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, EntertainmentComments (0)

Presidential Hopeful Rand Paul Says Terrorists Have Better Music


Cleveland Ohio – On August 6th the presidential hopefuls for the Republican party gathered in attempts to remind people that Donald Trump is not a real candidate.

Among the cocks in the cluster fuck were Governor Chris “Bridge-y McHugs” Christie and Rand Paul, a poodle fur ‘merkin enthusiast. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Music, PoliticsComments (0)

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 5


9/12/2001, THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED – Part 5 (A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments – After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is taken to a secured location for protection.

From there he oversees the demolition of what remains of the Twin Towers.

Part 5

The first estimates were 5,000 dead at the Twin Towers, 400 at the Pentagon and 34 at the White House. The Twin Towers they might never know the exact number given how many visitors and tourists were there at the fateful moments.

Head companies located therein were already sending the FBI their personnel files of who was working that day. Police phone lines were jammed with worried relatives asking about their kin who worked there.

It was already known that a number of emergency personnel, especially firemen, had been crushed when the towers collapsed. The intentional demolishing of the towers would be kept a top secret.

There would be too much misunderstanding of a necessary action. Large segments of the populace would definitely see it the wrong way.

It could probably not be hidden forever, but hopefully would hold for a while until some order was restored.

The combined effort of the CIA and the FBI were already coming up with a profile of suspects on the fated planes. A disturbingly high number of Saudi Arabian nationals were on all the flights.

That alone was enough of an answer for many. It was probably an Islamic terrorist attack. Suspicions were also thrown in the direction of Saddam Hussein’s corner, but it was doubted that he would do such a low budget form of revenge and with so many planes.

It was not his style. Already conspiracy theorists were having a field day with the aggressors being everything from Irish separatists to the Vatican.

More serious and studied minds put their feelers out towards domestic saboteur possibilities, Libya’s President Gaddafi, the Red Army and Palestinian vengeance. Of those four, only the Palestinian idea held any real likelihood.

But the real, the looming, the almost obvious suspicion was the heart of the Mideast discontentment- Al Queda or any one of the dozens of wanna-be terrorist groups who wished to be taken seriously and vented aggravations both real and imagined against the United States and Western society in general.

The entire scope of the U.S. Intelligence community was working on the solution.

The East wing was made the center of operations for the White House. Little could be salvaged from the Oval Office. What instruments were lost there had been quickly replaced.

The Lincoln Bedroom was now the substitute for the Oval Office. The great Emancipators bed had been pushed to a corner and a rather ordinary oak desk was the subsistence for Bush’s antique one.

Of course there had been a big to-do about this in the newspapers with numerous photos of Cheney taken while working. The photos were always accompanied by another photo of the wreckage of the West Wing for psychological impact.

A large conference table had also been maneuvered into the the room. Today it would be well used for this would be the first Cabinet meeting of President Cheney’s leadership.

Cheney kept the meeting of the first Cabinet meeting to the point. Everyone was on edge anyway because of the bombing and the unexpected changes it brought about. One thing he could count on was they were all instep with him.

They were Bush’s choices. A few of them would be slowly moved out. They had worked well with the hick from Texas, but Cheney was going to have to be Wyoming with them, and a couple would not make that cut.

He wanted a sleek machine. One that didn’t give him “No.” for an answer. One that did as he ordered. That was one thing he picked up from the military that he ruled but did not serve. Giving orders and expecting them obeyed.

“The first order of business will be to put a tab on every damn Muslim in this country. I don’t care if he is a babe just getting delivered, they need to be watched.

“We will keep most of it secret, but I am sure the liberals will come up with some lovey-dovey reason for being touchy feely with them. We cannot put up with that BS. We need to immediately round up anyone who is even a little suspicious. This goes for their teenagers too.

“We don’t want them passing through the sieve only to light a fire under our beds the next morning. We don’t want concentration camps like we did for the Japanese in WWII, but we want as close to that as we can come and get away with it.”

“The eggs who show any real suspicion we will hold in one maximum prison. I am thinking of ADX in Colorado. It will be easy to watch them there. If they escape they’ll stick out like sore thumbs.” He gave his own half-joke a half smile. The crowd laughed nervously at it.

“We will keep the whole affair as secret as we can, which of course is impossible. But right now we have the worlds’ sympathy. The only ones that will strongly object are the other Muslim countries and, of course Russia and maybe the Mainland Chinese just to be pain in the asses.

“Any European country with a sizable Muslim population- Germany, England, France, will be nervous too and back us up. And they are the ones who matter. But we will say we are doing it to protect them from retaliatory violence. We could probably even get away with saying we were doing it to shield them from the bad Muslims. “

“This is also a great chance to grab as much power as we can. Everybody is behind us either out of anger at what happened or fear of what could happen. We’ve got to act fast to line up things in our favor as much as possible before the feeling ebbs.

“Even the Democrats for God’s sake are stiff as boards. We yell boo and they’ll jump a foot. We’ve got the citizens by the balls if we grab them right.”

Cheney soaked in their enthusiastic applause when he finished. He was especially pleased that there was not an once of rebuttal against anything he had said.

“McGurty,” Cheney reached out and grabbed his arm before he got too far away, “I need to talk to you for a moment.”

He could see that the new head man was serious. He gave him his full attention.

“This is confidential. Only you and me are talking, OK?”

“Got it.” It made him nervous, but long political experience gave him a poker face to cover all his range of emotions, especially fear.

“I’m going to need to get rid of Hastert.” He stopped to let this sink in. It looked like it came to James as a surprise, but not as a shock. “He’s not going to work for me. I need someone with a little more spunk. I don’t want a VP who is just going to sit on his hands.”

‘Who do you want for this?” asked James.

“I want Tom DeLay. He has the sort of brashness that I will need. I need someone who can be a plow and not a picnicker.”

“That will take some doing. It would be easier if Hastert had done something we could throw mud at. Is there anything?”

“Nothing that would make it stick. I think the conservatives would go with us just to have a strong candidate.”

“We sill have to move quick before Hastert gets too cemented into his job.”

“Let’s get moving on it then. I want DeLay in the White House as quickly as we can.”

“Yes sir. I’ll get on it.”

Cheney went on his busy was, leaving McGurty standing there to figure out exactly how he was going to pull this one off.

Share

Posted in Serious CommentaryComments (2)

American secret agents exposed by phone app?


A stunning announcement was made at a secret hacker conference last month to little fanfare.

An app was made available for the Android or IPhone platform that exposes the secret agents working for America’s top secret organizations.

Called “Find my Spy”, the app is supposed to find any currently employed agent by name or location. Since the announcement the app has gone viral and has reportedly been downloaded over 3 million times already in fifty seven countries so far. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Crime, Gadgets & GizmosComments (0)

The Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief


If the recent leaks about the US government’s surveillance of all worldwide electronic communications have left you upset or confused, then you may be experiencing one of the five stages of NSA surveillance grief.

Much like Kuebler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grieving over death, the Five Stages of NSA Surveillance Grief shows the natural phases that individuals go through after learning that the US government has had complete access to all their electronic communications for many years. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Politics, TechnologyComments (3)

John Kerry Threatens to Beat the Shit Out Of Edward Snowden


US Secretary of State John Kerry asked government whistleblower Edward Snowden to return to the US so he can “personally beat the shit out of him”.

“I’m sick of that little pansy ass spilling all our government secrets!” an enraged Kerry declared. “I want him to com back here so I can beat the shit out of him. I want to smack him in the nose and spread his analyst guts all over!”

Kerr claims that Snowden’s revelation of NSA snooping has permanently damaged the United States, caused hundreds of billions of dollars in damages, created international tension, increased the national debt and may bring on World War 3.

“If we had simply kept our secrets as secrets then no one would have known and everything would be OK!” Kerry continued. “But this Snowden had to open his big fat mouth and show everyone our fucking documents so now the US looks like a bunch of assholes!”

Snowden has insisted all along that what he did was good for the country and said that if Kerry came after him he would “whip his ass”.

“Kerry is a loud mouthed old fart”, Snowden stated. “I’ll box his ears, punch him in the face then kick him in the nuts! Tell him to come to Russia and we’ll duke it out!”

Kerry said he would travel to Russia when time permits but he is currently busy with Benghazi and other affairs.

“I told you he was a wienie!” Snowden stated.

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (1)

Malaysian Airliner Wins Gold in 2014’s Hide and Seek Olympic Tournament


Malaysian Airliner MH370 staff and passengers were officially declared 2014’s Hide and Seek gold champions by the International Olympics Committee this week leaving millions pissed that the team did not attempt to break the world record set by Osama Bin Laden back in 2001.

When questioned about the world record, President of the IOC, Thomas Bach, replied, “Never in my life have I seen such dedication set by a group of people such as these Malaysian folks. I have to say that pulling this off for weeks on end without help and only four people dead is a real achievement, but it wasn’t enough for them to become true hall-of-famers.” Read the full story

Share

Posted in World NewsComments (0)

StrangleCorp’s HR VP Recalls Snowden as “So-So” Applicant


StrangleCorp Press–Dec 15, 2013–Recent investigations reveal that Edward Snowden once applied for employment at the ultra-secretive company StrangleCorp before being employed by the NSA. StrangleCorp’s VP of HR May Helm recalls interviewing Edward Snowden in early 2006 and finding him, “not quite adequate” to join StrangleCorp in any capacity.

“Frankly, I thought he was an arrogant little prick without any tangible skills to speak of. Here he was telling me he was a computer wizard and he couldn’t even program around the wrist restraints. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Crime, World NewsComments (1)

Kris Kringle Appointed Head of NSA


Phoenix, AZ- He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. Now he hears who you are talking to so be good for goodness sake.

The “Jolly Old Man,” otherwise known as Kris Kringle has been appointed to the coveted Director of the National Security Agency replacing Keith Alexander.

This new partnership between Washington and the North Pole will help both parties as this gives Santa new tools to add people to his naughty list. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (2)

New NSA Allegations Surround Facebook Number Game


You may have noticed a recent Facebook game on your newsfeed lately where friends assign each other numbers to reveal not so random facts about each other.

It may have seemed harmless enough admitting that your favorite food is chocolate or that you usually watch Duck Dynasty in the nude, but new allegations are coming forth about the game being linked to the Obama Administration and the NSA’s secret wiretapping scandal. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

Wiretap Program ‘Proof That Government Listens to the People’


WASHINGTON – Countering suggestions that it is “out of touch” with the average American, the United States Government today declared that it always strives to listen to the voice of the people – citing its warrantless wiretap program as evidence.

Introduced by President Bush – who also used the controversial measures to “listen to the concerns of the nation” – the NSA Warrantless Surveillance Program has since been employed by the Obama administration in an effort to “let every voice be heard.” Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

UN Demands That United States Drop ‘United’ From Their Name


The UN Council has put forth a petition demanding that the United States of America drop the term ‘United’ from their name due to the partisan bickering between conservative and liberal elements that has divided the nation.

Chief UN Spokesman Igo Monkeyfat has declared “The name ‘United States of America’ is no longer an accurate or true description of the country.

For a decade now the infighting in America has so torn apart the country that it barely functions as a regulating body. We at the UN now state that this name must be dropped in favor of one that more adequately describes the nation known as ‘America’.” Read the full story

Share

Posted in World NewsComments (2)

5th Grader Tells Friend Personal Secret, Now Wanted by NSA for Revealing Government Secrets


WASHINGTON — Federal authorities yesterday filed espionage charges against Area Fifth-grader Eddie Rainden for allegedly disclosing to an unnamed classmate that he still, on occasion, pees the bed, a secret over which the NSA is claiming ownership since, according to the government agency, they recorded the 10-year-old telling his grandmother about the bladder-control issue over a phone call three days prior to the in-class disclosure. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Technology, World NewsComments (0)

Edward Snowden Warns: National Security Agency (NSA) Is Watching You Masturbate


Government whistleblower Edward Snowden warned US citizens today that the NSA has confiscated the cameras of all computers and they are surreptitiously watching all Americans masturbate.

“Even when you don’t think you’re online or even when your computer is turned off the US government is watching you and keeping a record of your activities”, the activist claimed. “When you masturbate you should keep the camera away from where they might see you!”

NSA officials were quick to deny Snowden’s report. “That’s ridiculous!” said NSA Director Keith Alexander. “The only people we watch masturbating are suspected terrorists, felons suspected of terrorist activities and others who may become terrorists!”

Some Americans claim they have seen NSA monitoring them. Ms. Paula Glasscock, a secretary from the law firm of Hoar & Hoar, was masturbating while watching a video on a popular porn site when a video image of an NSA agent popped onto her screen. “The man on the screen said, ‘shit, I accidentally turned my camera on’, then the screen went back to normal!” she stated. “And it was just as I was approaching the big O!”

Alexander neither confirmed nor denied the report but did say, “the law firm Ms. Glasscock works for does business with another law firm that has ties to a company that sells to a business that buys products from Pakistan, a country known for terrorist activities. We may or may not have been have been surreptitiously monitoring her to assure she does not engage in terrorist activities”.

Snowden claims the NSA has hundreds of thousands of videos of people masturbating from Skype, Google, Facebook and dozens of other services.

“If they don’t want us to see them masturbating then don’t masturbate!” concluded Alexander.

Share

Posted in Politics, Top StoriesComments (2)

Edward Snowden’s Girlfriend Lindsay Mills Just An “Average” Poll Dancer


Many supporters of government whistleblower Edward Snowden claim that his girlfriend Lindsay Mills is just an “average” pole dancer with no special attributes.

“I’ve seen Lindsay dance and she ain’t nothing special”, said New York bartender Sal Jennings, 37. “She can’t do handstands. She doesn’t hug the pole in a real sexy way. Really nothing special”.

“I can see why he dumped her”, said 24 year old librarian Stacy Bertalucci. “I’m a librarian and I’m sexier than that!” Read the full story

Share

Posted in Politics, War ZoneComments (0)

Apple’s iOS 7 to Feature Impressive, Radically Redesigned Glitches


CUPERTINO, CALIF — Apple recently unveiled the new iOS 7 operating system, which CEO Tim Cook is hailing as “the most radical redesign of iOS glitches since the iPhone was invented.”

According to Apple’s VP of Software Engineering, Leonard Umbrage, “Installing iOS 7 on your phone is like getting an entirely new phone, but one with which you’re already completely exasperated. It’s like an old friend with a new drug problem: truly astounding!” Read the full story

Share

Posted in Gadgets & GizmosComments (0)

Page 1 of 212
Glossy News Exclusive Exposés


-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



Glossy News Fake Commercials!





Glossy News Podcast


(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)


More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Check This Out!

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)



All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial