Tag Archive | "North Korea"

Kim Jong Takes Un Step Toward Hollywood


TO: My dear subjects

FROM: Your Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un

I want to apologize for not informing you of my whereabouts for almost six weeks this past fall and causing you undue heartache and concern but, of course, I cannot.

As I am infallible, apology is not an option for me and I must therefore gently chide you, my children, for needlessly worrying about my brief absence. Read the full story

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The Many (questionable) Roads To Success


So many are struggling in our current difficult economic times where the few controlling the financial strings of the country have the rest of us dancing around just to survive while they watch from the porches of their grand estates grandly amused.

In order to help those so afflicted (approximately 90% of the population) we offer this famous series of success videos and books designed to show you examples of what other individuals, groups and nations have done to win wealth for themselves. Read the full story

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Kim Jong-un Diagnosed w/ Breast Cancer; Citizens Forced to Cry or be Shot


It was early spring of 2014 when the savior of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, was enjoying his three course meal in complete tranquility, an annual source of food considered by his people.

To everyone’s surprise, later that day, it was established that their royalty and highness had been diagnosed with severe breast cancer.

Military leaders proposed for him to consider launching a nuclear warning, something to frighten enemy countries, but not really do anything else because they were “so messed up economically and ideologically”. All military leaders that agreed with the statement were later executed for treason. Read the full story

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North/South Korea Talks Falter, Cancel Family Reunion


High level negotiations establishing a reunion for separated families in North and South Korea broke down Wednesday over a miscommunication on venue.

After several weeks it was believed representatives had agreed to hold the event at Disney World this August and included a talent show, karaoke and a Korean War reenactment for children under 12.

However, North Korean diplomats balked when the South Korean delegates consistently mentioned Orlando Florida. Read the full story

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North Korean Crimes Against Humanity Almost as Bad as US


The United Nations declared today that atrocities committed by North Korea Security chiefs and possibly even president Kim Jong-un are so horrendous they could be compared to how the US treats prisoners at Guantanamo, Abu Graib and other ‘secret’ prisons around the world.

“This kind of behavior does not belong in a civilized society!” declared Michael Kirby, chairman of the U.N. Commission of Inquiry.

Kirby claims that North Korean prisoners are being denied due process, starved, are frequently beaten and denied health care much like prisoners at Guantanamo.

“Other countries are supposed to do as we say, not as we do”, said Cori Crider, Guantanamo Counsel and Strategic Director.

Crider would not comment on the other ‘secret prisons’ the US has around the world simply saying “that’s not my job”

In addition, the committee expressed concern over North Korea’s growing nuclear arsenal claiming it resembles a tiny version of the US nuclear arsenal.

“Granted, they have only one ten thousandth the strength of our nuclear arsenal but we are us and they are them”, said Brigadier General Les More, an Air Force spokesman. “It comes down to US vs THEM. And US always wins!”

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Dennis Rodman Admits He May Have Tiger Blood Also


Dennis Rodman is in rehab. Big surprise after his latest trip to North Korea. Yeah, he got drunk, big whup. He was probably high as well on some good Korean ganga too. Anything papasan want? Anything? You name it Joe, we get for you.

“Yeah, I want the biggest-ass bottle of sake you got and a bowl-ful of that Korean home grown, thanks kindly, Kim.”

And then this, “You know man, I am like so Charlie Sheen-ing right now. I swear I got tiger blood.”

You want holang-i pi? Joe? Tiger blood. Get Joe some tiger blood.

“No, no man, my blood, it’s like…oh never mind.”

[takes another hit off the makeshift bong made from an old piece of pipe and some rice paper]

“What was I saying? Oh yea, Tiger Woods, no…wait yeah, I wanna go golfing. You got clubs?”

Oh yeah, Joe, we got clubs, and rockets, nuclear ones, better than clubs, clubs are for suckers.

“No, no, man, c’mon, give peace a chance. Golf, I want to go golfing…”

No, Joe, we don’t have golf here, fees to club are too expensive. Damn Americans. Sorry Joe, present company excluded.

“Uh, okay then, I think Imma head back over to the states and soak in a hot tub someplace where they know what the hell golf is or whatevahhhh.”

[Takes one last hit off the bong and finishes up the sake before laying back on the comfy floor mattress and lets out a little roar, more like a yawn, really, and crashes for the night.]

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Dennis Rodman Found Drunk Face Down in Pyongyang Alley


PYONGYANG, N. KOREA – Dennis Rodman is alive and, at present, sober after being found face down in a small mud puddle in an alleyway adjacent to the Pyongyang stadium where he sang “Happy Birthday” to N. Korean leader Kim Jong Un on Wednesday.

Sources close to Rodman claim the washed up basketball player drank heavily the night of his birthday tribute. Rodman found out the hard way that in North Korea, if you drink heavily, you are on your own, regardless of whether or not you resemble Marilyn Monroe in any way. Read the full story

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Dennis Rodman Fails to Arrive at Kim Jong Un Palace


Pyongyang, N. Korea – Dennis Rodman reportedly sent a look-alike imposter in his place to supreme leader, Kim Jong Un’s palace Thursday. The leader of N. Korea is said to be hopping mad and may be readying the execution squad yet another time this month.

“He promise he come back see me, bring many, many good basketball player. He no show up,” Jong Un was quoted as saying after throwing a lavish party consisting of the one chicken left in the state larders, along with two cucumbers and a spaghetti squash left over from the summer harvest. Read the full story

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Uncle Truly Astonished by Nephew Kim Jong Un’s Surprise Party


Jang Song Thaek, second top gun in the North Korean Political Machine and uncle to the countries President Kim Jon Un, was truly astonished at the surprise party his nephew had for him on Tuesday.

“This is amazing!’ stated Jang, who seemed genuinely astonished by the large contingent of soldiers waiting for him outside the Politburo. “But it isn’t even my birthday!”

“Oh, don’t concern yourself with that dear Uncle! You are such a favorite of mine that every day should be a birthday.” schmoozled Un, wearing the best smile he could summon at the moment. “I have assembled this entire platoon to escort us as we take a walk along the river.” Read the full story

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Dennis Rodman Missing After Jang Song Thaek’s Execution


Although the mainstream media is reporting that Dennis Rodman is still planning on traveling to North Korea next week to begin training North Korea’s basketball team, no one close to Rodman has seen him since the execution of Kim Jong Un’s uncle, Jang Song Thaek Friday.

Friends close to Rodman claim that he has not been heard from since early Friday morning, and his own personal trainer says he did not show up at the gym as usual Friday afternoon. Read the full story

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GlossyNews Hire Writers Who Wrote Text Over Jong Un Uncle’s Execution


Glossy News is viciously striving to beat all the other spoof news websites fighting tooth and nail to hire the writer who wrote the fiery rhetoric slamming North Korea’s President’s Jong Un’s uncle on national news.

The former second in lead in the notoriously repressive 4th world state, Jang Song Thaek, was dramatically stripped of his positions by his nephew Jong Un and executed a day later. Read the full story

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Kim Jong Un Can Fix North Korea, And Here’s How


Since the death of his father, Kim Jong Il, Kim the third has struggled to establish what kind of leader he is. If he’s smart, or even just sagely selfish, he’ll open the country and become the richest man on the planet.

The black market is growing there and it threatens to overtake the legitimate, state-controlled markets. The difference is that there are no taxes collected from the ever-growing black market, regardless of how many bribes are collected daily to look the other way. Read the full story

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North Korean Soccer Punishment ‘Excessive’


After being knocked out of the World Cup, North Korea took unique approach to improve their teams performance, which has been criticized as a punishment and branded ‘excessive’, spec “ifically by “sports pussies.”

When our source in North Korea asked the coach why he used such excessive methods, he was forced to run laps around the field with a bag of rocks on his back and four metric pounds of gravel in his shorts, but with no explanation how to convert pounds to metric. Read the full story

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Kim Jong-Il ‘Completes Death Star’


According to North Korean propaganda, Kim Jong-Il has achieved every Star Wars fan boys wet dream and finished his “Death Star” and claims it is ‘now fully operational’.

Our source in North Korea report that ‘Talks of an attack have already begun, Kim Jong-il has already been fitted for his black cape, he is just waiting for his perspiration lenses to be put in his limited edition Darth Vadar helmet he got off Ebay.’

See the rest of the story on YouTube, or scroll down for the video.

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DPRK Adds Second “Democratic” to Name


PYONGYANG – In a move that is receiving widespread international approval, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea has added a second “Democratic” to its name, paving the way for what Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un describes as “A new era of rove.”

The decision came after months of quibbling in the dictator’s nursery, where supreme economic officials argued the socialist backwater must remold its appearance in order to attract more tourists and commercial interests. Read the full story

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Kim Jong Un Steps Out Swinging As New Spokesman For NRA


In need of a new spokesman so fiery he can burn people with his tongue alone and can intimidate a whole nation, the NRA has chosen North Korean leader Kim Jong Un to replace the nerdy Wayne LaPierre as their propaganda head.

The NRA has long looked for a speaker who can inflame the passion of legal destruction in people’s hearts and woo them in any direction wished and make it seem patriotic, even if that direction is ultimately catastrophic to the nations fabric. Read the full story

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