New York City, New York – Heroes in a half shell, breadstick power! This is the updated catchphrase in the newest remake of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, scheduled to be released in the United States on August 8th.
The film will be the first released using 3B technology, which is very similar to 3D visual effects, except that it allows all breadsticks in the film to appear that they are being shared with the audience.
“This bread-breaking technology allows us to further promote breadstick awareness and will have audiences feeling like they are reaching into the basket every time one appears onscreen,” said the film’s Director, Jonathan Liebesman.
“There are already rumors abound of various theatres across the country changing their menus to include breadsticks as one of the film’s goals is to get audiences licking their lips, yearning for those soft, garlicky items.” Liebesman added, while adjusting the arm of a Donatello figurine to dip a breadstick in marinara sauce.
In this franchise reboot, New York City has been taken over by Shredder and his evil army with a diabolical plan to shred every last breadstick within city limits before moving to the world’s supply.
Everything is going according to plan, until four breadstick-craving brothers emerge from the toxic sewers beneath the city and discover their destiny as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with one mission, to keep baskets filled and Shredder at bay.
With the help of a fearless reporter (April O’Neil) played by Megan Fox and the song “I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)” by Hall and Oates that gives the turtles special powers, their mission is full-stick ahead. However, the turtle clan soon realizes that Shredder has more than one bread knife in his kitchen.
Not knowing if they will lose the food they love or get tossed into a turtle soup or salad, they must do everything possible to clog Shredder’s blowhole with dough and breadify his evil army.
The film is expected to revitalize the franchise and includes other celebrity appearances from Johnny Knoxville, Will Arnett and Whoopi Goldberg.
WOW! Now I don't have to read Wikipedia. You've condensed it for us. I'd write more, but our bread oven is buzzing.
Day-Em Don that’s harsh!
Don,
I too have been affected by the Olive Garden extinction. Breadsterastyx was once a prevalent animal during the Neolithic era, and breadsticks have been on the decline ever since. Your response goes a long way in showing support for this once treasured item and fallen restaurant chain.
It is articles like this which falsely portray bread as a gimmick for media that mocks the global epidemic of starvation. Your cavavlier and sophomoric attempt at humor at the expense of breaksticks represents all that is wrong with this gluttonous country!
The earliest archaeological evidence for flour processed into an unleavened bread dates to the Upper Palaeolithic in Europe, around 30,000 years ago. Does it look like there were any Ninja Turtles were around then? (I mean what was that all about anyway?) No, during this period of human history cereals constituted just one of many food sources exploited by hunting and gathering ‘Starving Marvins’ across the globe. They were not toys used to plug the blowholes of imaginary villains. That’s just ridiculous.
Bread became a staple food during the Neolithic (That’s right, Neolithic) around 10,000 years ago, when wheat and barley were among the first plants to be domesticated in the Fertile Crescent long before being made into “sticks” and used a tools of torture in the North Africa and the Indian Subcontinent. But I don’t see that mentioned in this woefully ill-researched piece.
Rice, maize, and sorghum, are also sometimes made into breadsticks, as well as tools for sexual gratification in the New World. Olive Garden cornered the market in sex industry in the late 70’s by offering both breadsticks as well as olive oil for the sexual enjoyment of their cliental. This shameless misuse of something that was once considered a major food staple of the world is unconsciousable, and your idle use of breaksticks as a prop in an otherwise unrmearkable bit of research indicates quite clearly that Camptown Ladies don’t sing no songs and “you ain’t no baker”. A baker would have much more appreciation and knowledge of the breakmaking industry, a fuller appreciation of its history and at least a fair amount of restraint and respect for the breakstick as more than just a cheap gimmick. You just can’t handle the bread and I’m shocked and appalled that this munchkin manuscript even passed muster before publication.
But I will leave you the last word. I will not reply so have at it!