Minnesota. Burned-out and exasperated staff members at Epicore Medical Support, a privately owned company that specializes in providing software programs as well as various other forms of healthcare technology to hospitals and clinics across the nation, were horrified last week after 48-year-old Damien Yates, a tyrannical and controlling asshole who had recently been promoted within the top levels of management, spent well over 2 hours in a mandatory meeting describing a new and fully-updated Employee Growth & Development Program.
After proudly announcing that the fucking stupid and needless set of measures involving additional online classes, grueling performance reviews, rigorous professional competency tests, weekly team meetings (and a recently-added “daily self-assessment” component) will begin immediately after the holiday season, Yates then responded to numerous angry glares, groaning, intense weeping, and groups of people storming out of the conference room by saying, “Hey, It Is What It Is!”
Despite the fact that the company already has an irritating and burdensome program in place that relentlessly saps the will to live out of its most dedicated employees, Yates, a piece-of-shit, ass-riding, fuckface who thrives on sadism and the mental torture of others due to unresolved childhood bullying issues as well as a level of insecurity that would baffle even the most professional of therapists, thought the updated plan of action would be ‘absolutely necessary’ for moving forward.
“I think this will be a revolutionary new approach to making our company Number 1 in the upcoming year,” said the anal, career-obsessed, power-hungry, materialistic scrotum, who actually spent Christmas Eve in his dark and forbidding office designing every single excruciating detail of the god-awful and repugnant agenda that will overwhelm and dishearten employees already struggling with an improper ‘work-life’ balance shortly after they return from celebrating the New Year.
“I’m pretty sure that’s why I got promoted,” the back-stabbing, ladder-climbing, two-faced, self-promoting testicle hair added, while blissfully ignoring the fact that his ‘progressive outlook’ on the company’s future would soon devastate and permanently crush any fleeting hopes and dreams his previous coworkers had entertained for better and happier futures that involve pursuit of minimal personal goals or perhaps even spending more time with their slowly-distancing families.
Without acknowledging that he will never be subjected to the unrealistic expectations he is placing on others, Yates then helplessly concluded, “Things Are The Way They Are,” before jumping on a first-class plane fully loaded with wine coolers and Champaigne on his way to California to attend a meeting with high-ranking administrators in order to discuss some additional ‘vocational-training’ activities that could possibly drain the last ounces of ‘individuality’ he oddly notices amongst staff members who wearily lurk down the hallways.