Tokyo, 730am. The global community was reeling in shock today after multiple disasters struck the Tohoku region of Japan in the North West Pacific Ocean. An earthquake followed by a tsunami, followed by a nuclear meltdown. As local Tohoku farmer Tonka Asahi put it, “We Nippon used to tsunami and earthcrake and radiation. But all thlee at once? Give us a blake!” Read the full story

In the aftermath of Hurricane Tomas’ further devastation to the beleaguered Caribbean hellhole, an emergency meeting of the UN has officially declared Haiti the ‘Kenny’ of the global community.

Scholars and UN watchdogs call the unanimous decree historical, unprecedented and confusing, as it’s the only time Libya and Israel have voted alike on anything, and it’s also a label few in the developing world are familiar with. Read the full story

SANTIAGO de CHILE, Chile (GlossyNews)– Officials from Chile’s Earthquake Preparedness and Disaster Management Authority expressed concern today that the country would not attract as much media attention as Haiti, thereby reducing the plane loads of aid and barrage of goodwill text messages from celebrities around the world. Read the full story

HILO, HI (GlossyNews) — When civil defense sirens roused Hawaiians from sleep on Saturday morning, the threat of a potentially destructive tsunami was on its way. In an impressive response, Hawaii’s scientists, government officials, first-responders and citizens showed exemplary calm under duress, which led to successful evacuation efforts. Read the full story

LABADEE, Haiti — There’s an old Haitian proverb: “Behind the mountains, there are mountains.”

Behind those mountains are smaller mountains. Behind those smaller mountains is an enclosure. And behind that enclosure is a tropical paradise rented out to Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines by the Haitian government. Read the full story