Tag Archive | "marriage"

2012 Campaign Issues for Dummies


For those of us having a hard time keeping up with the issues this election year there’s welcome help on the horizon. John Wiley and Sons, Inc. released the latest in their series of voter issue references entitled, Campaign Issues for Dummies.

Using familiar icons as chapter headers, you’ll be able to quickly locate the issue of your choosing. Read, be informed and remember to VOTE.

Job Outsourcing

If you live in a region heavy in manufacturing, then that sucking sound Ross Perot warned you about in 1992 is what you HEARD a few years ago as all your jobs relocated to Mexico. That sound you heard in 2000 was all the high tech service jobs relocating to India and China.

The sound you hear NOW is the sound of jobs in the financial and manufacturing sectors being sucked down a black hole. The next sound you will hear is the WHOOSH of low-wage food service jobs rushing in to fill the void.

If you are a voter concerned about job creation versus job outsourcing, then you should select a candidate with no ties to Big Business, Ivy League schools, Old Money or Secret Societies.

If you are a voter unopposed to globalism, who keeps money in offshore accounts, and neither has nor needs a job, you should select a candidate based solely on the tax-breaks and their unabashed agenda of appeasement of the rich

If you are a voter who has learned Spanish as well as perfected the art of cooking with cumin, you should select a candidate with enough global vision not to wear out America’s welcome before you get there.

Military Spending

If you are a voter who doesn’t mind spending $8.9 billion on a missile defense system that doesn’t work, then you should select the candidate with the highest gullibility factor.

If you are a voter who thinks that defense spending should be drastically cut, you should select the candidate with the LEAST amount of travel in the 3rd World.

If you are active duty military, reserves or National Guard, on your third tour in a combat zone with dependents on food stamps and eating canned spinach, you should vote out the incumbent as a warning to the rest.

Education

If you are an Ivy-League educated voter with a child in private school, you should vote for the candidate who favors spending taxpayer money on vouchers for private schools that keep out the riff-raff.

If you are a voter with children in public school, you should vote for the candidate who favors increased education spending without accountability or performance goals.

If you are a teacher, you should consider a second job while selecting the candidate who went to public schools and state college.

Medicare

If you fall into the 18-34 demographics, you should vote for the candidate who declines using this issue to raise your taxes.

If you fall into the 35-65 demographics, you should vote for the candidate who guarantees that Medicare won’t go completely broke by 2019.

If you fall into the 65 and up demographics, you should apply for Canadian citizenship.

Gun Control

If you are an avid fan of the 2nd Amendment, you should join the NRA and vote for the candidate they tell you. Afterall, they’ve got all the guns

If you’re an advocate for gun control, you should stay out of redneck bars in Montana and vote for whomever Michael Moore endorses.

If you’re more of a pragmatist than a single-issue voter, you should vote AGAINST any candidate that makes this a hot button issue. But, keep your head down.

War on Terror

If you believe the United States has a moral obligation to lead the fight in the War on Terror, even if it means acting unilaterally, then you should select the candidate with a “shoot-from-the-hip” attitude who is most likely to “smoke ’em out and get ’em running,” without the need for time-consuming activities such as “good planning.”

If you believe the United States should work and cooperate with other nations to sustain steady pressure, including military action, on rogue nations who support and sponsor terrorism, without getting over-extended, then you should select the candidate with the most actual combat experience.

If just want to end this thing by any means necessary, so that no terrorist organization would dare attack U.S. targets again for fear of a fate worst than death, you should select the candidate with organized crime ties.

Wartime Leadership

If you are a voter who finds it comforting to have a leader during wartime that reminds you of the your rich, spoiled fraternity brother you really couldn’t count on, you should select the candidate who has lost the most brain cells due to substance abuse.

If you are a voter who favors decisive, informed leadership through the darkest times, and the ability to abandon failed policies in favor of new, adaptive strategies, while enduring the prolonged uncertainty and stress of war, you should select a candidate with P.O.W. experience.

If you are a voter that favors world domination during the post-war reconstruction, you should select a multi-billionaire megalomaniac industrialist with extensive monopoly experience.

Same Sex Unions

If you are a voter who feels that another people’s personal rights somehow cheapen your own, and advocate adding a 28th Amendment which (unlike most other amendments) works to limit personal liberties, then you should vote for the candidate furthest right on the zealot scale.

If you are a voter who believes that the “granting of rights” is the primary purpose of an amendment, and are not diminished in any way by the personal lives of others, you should select a candidate with relatives who lead alternative lives.

If you are a voter reluctant to express your personal convictions either way for fear of mob violence, vote AGAINST any candidate who makes this a hot-button issue.

The Environment

If you are a voter who advocates the wholesale destruction of any environmental object that stands in the way of industrial progress and your ability to secure sufficient oil supplies to meet the needs of your Hummer, you should select a candidate who can skillfully misinterpret scientific data, and has the most inclination to arbitrarily adjust environmental standards.

If you are a voter who feels strongly about the preservation of the environment, and desire legislation to outlaw the exploitation of wilderness areas for any reason, you’re out of luck. You should have supported Kucinich when you had the chance.

If you are a pragmatist who seeks balance between technology and nature, you should select a candidate who is NOT from a large east or west coast urban area.

If you’re an analytical sort who questions the real significance of global warming when faced with possible reduced sunspot activity, you’re too damned smart to vote for any of these clowns.

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Housewives Ruin Dinner and the Economy


Housewives forgetting vital ingredients for dinner are costing supermarket chains and the world economy billions of dollars every year. A new study released today has revealed a damaging portrayal of housewives and how they are single-handedly ruining the world economy. Read the full story

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Newlywed Couple Fears That Honeymoon May Never End


SARASOTA, FL – GlossyNews.com — After nearly four years of marriage, Nathan and Jennifer Reed are starting to worry that their proverbial “honeymoon” might never end, despite several attempts to take each other for granted and argue over petty differences.

While most married couples spend a mere six months ignoring faults and having way too much passionate Read the full story

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Bloomberg and the Gay Vote Sitting in a Tree


New York City Mayor Bloomberg made God-fearing GOP senators quake in their extremely heterosexual boots this week when he came out in favor of gay marriage and said he would do everything he can to support a bill brought before Congress. Read the full story

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Newt Gingrich Blames Obama for Setting Marital Standards Too High


For the second time this year, Newt Gingrich has announced nationally that he is definitely considering making a run for President of the United States on the GOP ticket. He admits he has some hurdles to overcome and addressed those hurdles in a speech he gave recently at a private fundraiser in Provo, Utah. Read the full story

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Gay Community Finally Admits Plan To Ruin The Sanctity of Marriage


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Elizabeth Taylor: “Heaven Too Awkward”, After Running Into 5 Ex-Husbands


Modern day journalistic prophets have announced Elizabeth Taylor was in heaven for no more than five minutes before the first complaints rolled in this morning.

Taylor, famous for her feisty temper, charitable nature and a career spanning five decades with a total of eight marriages, claimed “heaven wasn’t meant to be this freaky. If God was the real deal he’d have sent some of these cheating jerks to meet Satan.” Read the full story

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“Seven Brides For Seven Brothers” to be Remade… Seven Times


HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (Glossy News) — The rights for the 1954 movie Seven Brides for Seven Brothers , long ago lost, have fallen into Public Domain. As such, it can be remade or have its title used by anyone without having to pay any royalties to the original writer or production company. Seven different film producers are scrambling to see that their movie is the first to hit the big screen.

The original movie tells the story of the Pontipee brothers, who kidnap a group of girls to become their wives. As they live in backwoods Oregon in the 1850’s, and an avalanche traps them on their farm on the other side of a mountain range, the girls cannot be rescued and fall in love with their kidnappers before their fathers get to them. Read the full story

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Seattle Man Finds Dream Woman On Dating Website


SEATTLE, Wash. (Glossy News) — A wealthy Seattle man, Benjamin Dover, recently decided it was time to remarry. Having divorced his wife of five years after a rather steamy sex scandal that rocked downtown Seattle, Dover sought to put the mistakes of his past aside and find companionship with a quality woman. So, as many lovelorn men today, he invested his time and money in a cyber dating service.

According to Dover, the interview process progressed fairly well, allowing him to narrow his choices to three women he had been courting online for the past several months. Read the full story

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Charlie Sheen and Tiger Woods Head Back to Work


Charlie Sheen and Tiger Woods, who have been sharing a bachelor pad in Palm Beach, have announced that they are going back to work.

Sheen said his main motivation was that he was going “stir crazy” spending 24 hours a day with Woods.

“You can only bounce a fucking ball on the end of a golf club for so long before it becomes fucking nerve wracking to everyone else in the apartment.” Read the full story

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Tiger Woods Converts to Mormonism, Declares 2nd Wife – Seeking More?


Salt Lake City, UT – Thurl Bailey step aside, the LDS Church will soon have a new spokesmodel. In a bizarre turn of events yesterday morning, LDS Church elders in Salt Lake City announced that Tiger Woods has decided to join the Mormon Church.

Woods, who has been searching for meaning to his life like a bum searching for change, stumbled upon two Mormon missionaries over the Christmas holidays and has embraced the faith. Read the full story

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Conservative Eroticism versus Liberal Eroticism


(American politics at its Best: difference in the eroticism happening inside your bedroom)

Thanks to billions after billions of dollars invested by Political Machines into the Think-Tanks and Institutes for the political myth-makers to perfect their beautiful language and rich metaphors in describing what happens in a politicized bedroom – the affairs between a husband and a wife — your voting choices have been (overly?) simplified to “What kind of man or woman do you want as a partner.” Read the full story

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Rev. Moon Sells Off Mass-Marriage to Mormons


Sun Moon University, Seoul, South Korea —The final 10,000 Moonies exchanged their marriage vows this week. The ceremony came just before Utah’s Latter Day Saints, the Mormons, prepared to take over the franchise from Rev. Moon and his three sons. Read the full story

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Woman Labeled ‘Too Dumb’ to Marry, Though Technically Doable


UK social workers following the latest batch of the EU’s totalitarian Communist Federation regulations being imposed on this once-sceptered isle have banned a young woman from her own wedding in a ridiculous broughaha over whether she is bright enough to get married. Read the full story

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