Tag Archive | "Libertarian"

Rand Paul Reaches Out To Dems, Promises Not to Ban “Washing-up” Agenda


Some Republicans view Rand Paul as a potentially divisive figure (i.e. one who will take some of their support away in critical demographics), but some of his opponents are actually impressed how he has built bridges with Democrats at cross-party meetings.

“You know,” says Rand’s new ally, Barney Frank, “I wasn’t all that sure about our good pal Senator Rand Paul at first, but I’m really impressed at his cooperative spirit. We sit around a table, decide who’s gonna do what, agree about it, and we get down to work.”

Paul even said this division of labor reminded him of that chapter in Adam Smith. Frank agreed with him: “You are so right, Rand!” They even devised the “washing up” agenda, which is best described thusly: Read the full story

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Mass Murderer calls Republicans Soft on Satanic Values


Dateline: LOS ANGELES—In a documentary about the life of the infamous anarchist and sadistic mass murder, Max Truculence, Mr. Truculence criticizes American conservatives for being “soft-hearted, effeminate phonies.”

He spoke from prison, since he’s currently serving a thousand year sentence for murdering hundreds of American liberals, raping dozens of women, and blowing up three federal buildings. Read the full story

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Wild Animals of America Party accuses Republicans of thinking too much


Dateline: WASHINGTON—The Wild Animals of America Party began as an offshoot of the GOP, railing against big government for interfering with the divinely ordained inequalities in nature.

“Let the natural struggle in the marketplace sort everything out,” said WAA’s founder Mark Savage. “Government’s top-down regulations are bound to be detached from reality and to make matters worse. We should let nature take its course since government can’t do anything right.” Read the full story

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Libertarian Congress Legalizes Child Labor


WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a landmark vote on Monday morning, the Libertarian-controlled Congress passed a bill eliminating all prohibitions on child labor in the United States.

Standing outside the Capitol Building, large swaths of supporters wearing Ayn Rand t-shirts emblazoned with the words “Our Market, Our Money, Our Bank Accounts” cheered loudly as House Speaker Paul Ryan read the tally.

“With 357 votes in the affirmative, the Congress of these United States has decided to put the market first. For far too long this sick regulatory environment has been strangling the life out of individualism and family values.” Read the full story

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Libertarians Claim James Gandolfini Killed By CIA


In the wake of The Sopranos star James Gandolfini’s sudden death,libertarians everywhere are saying the actor was assassinated by the Central Intelligence Agency.

Just after getting word of the Gandolfini’s tragic passing, the website ronpaulrulz posted the following conspiratorial explanation:

Libertarians and freedom-loving people everywhere refuse to accept the mainstream corporate media’s account of Jimbo Gandolfini’s death.

Our eyes have been opened, and we are putting down the Kool-Aid in exchange for some Natty Light, with Liberty Constitution at our side. Gandolfini was in fact killed because his role as organized crime boss Tony Soprano spat directly in the face of big government and authoritarian politics.

By running his business like John Galt would if we had an absence of government, with every man for himself, Soprano symbolized everything hated by the establishment. In killing off Jimbo, the CIA was finally able to exact revenge for his noxious quibbling against their tyranny.

Martine Nicole of Paris expressed similar suspicions, saying “The evidence is startling. This unfunny and not satirical practice of the people believing mainstream journalism is positively unnerving. If we only listened to true free market sources like Russia Today, then the misconception would be completely cleared up.”

Another libertarian from New Hampshire said: “If Ron Paul was president, and Gary Johnson was VP, we would have a full explanation for why Gandolfini died. Better yet, BDSM would be legalized between men and boys, because as we all know, government is tyranny.”

Although reports are still coming in, some sources say the libertarian skeptics are planning a mass protest in Washington, D.C. which will include the consumption of great amounts of laxatives.

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Report: Libertarianism Classified As Mental Disorder


In a development that is stirring nationwide anger, the American Psychological Association has released a report classifying Libertarianism as a mental disorder.

Head researcher Paul Keynes discussed the organization’s findings, which were gleaned from a 10-year study that interviewed and tested over one hundred thousand self-described libertarians. He said: Read the full story

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Study: Libertarians Enjoy BDSM More Than Fascists


Results of a new study completed by Grove City College suggest self-identifying libertarians like Bondage, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism (BDSM) relationships more than their opposites on the political spectrum: the fascists.

Out of the 10000 people polled (split 50-50 between both ideologies), the libertarian column came up with an 89 percent appreciation rate for such relationships, whilst the fascists registered at only 48 percent. Read the full story

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Anti-Tax Crusaders Shocked IRS Would Question Them


Tea Party political activity groups, known for their hardline anti-tax position, were singled out by the IRS for scrutiny.

“It’s crazy,” says anti-tax crusader and Wisconsin Tea Party head Colin Felcher. I can’t imagine a single reason why they’d think we’re against paying taxes.

Unofficial IRS spokesman Davis Kaeng, who works by day as an official IRS spokesman, agreed to speak with us on the condition of anonymity, but also that we use his real name and record the conversation. Read the full story

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Libertarian Realizes His Ideas Make No Sense


AUBURN – After years of internal struggle, a Libertarian activist has come forth and admitted his chosen ideology does not make any sense.

Jon Rockwell, 23, who likes to go by the nickname “Voluntaryist Rand,” told reporters that Libertarianism cannot be reconciled with the fundamentals of human nature and basic logic, no matter how much he wishes to believe so.

“I have spent years trying to back away from this singular point, but it’s no use. Libertarianism was my brother – I loved it, but nothing can stop these little grey cells of mine from issuing a verdict, ” he said. Read the full story

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Gary Johnson Ahead 99 pts Among Non-Voters


GlossyNews.com – OHIO – In a stunning revelation, Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson is leading the nation by 99 points among people who have not voted, will not vote, or for other legal reasons cannot vote.

“So you mean this Gary guy likes weed and crowd surfs? Wow. Well that’s cool and stuff but I don’t vote,” said Cincinnati Municipal Jail inmate Todd Williams. Read the full story

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GOP Debate: You Went Black, Now Go Back (7 of 7)


DE BATE, NEW HAMPSHIRE —BobZaguy Recently, seven of the leading extremists of the Tea Party Republicans debated in New Hampshire.

This recap is intended for those who tried to stay awake for the whole time, but couldn’t. It’s also OK for anyone who didn’t watch at all to go through this and get a fix on what went down. Read the full story

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Ron Paul in Fight for GOP Nutjob Vote


Repeat offender presidential candidate Ron Paul now faces an unexpected threat, according to sources close to the campaign. There may be somebody in the race who is crazier than him.

On electoral issues, veterans say ‘a year is a decade.’ That proverb is especially validated in 2011, a landscape vastly different from the previous presidential contest. Read the full story

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