A secret leak from our confidential anonymous sources tell us the NHS are planning to launch a controversial new primary and high school ad campaign to warn kids: ‘Cayman Cokeheads? Just say no!’
One confidential prize cut is as follows!
WARNING:
COCAINE IS A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE THAT IS HIGHLY DANGEROUS, AND POSES MANY POORLY UNDERSTOOD DANGERS TO THE HUMAN INDIVIDUAL AND SOCIETY. CONSUMING THIS SUBSTANCE MAY SERIOUSLY AFFECT YOUR PHYSICAL, MENTAL AND SPIRITUAL HEALTH BY:
INSPIRING DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR, MEGALOMANIA AND MESSIANIC PSYCHOSIS
INDUCING SEXUALLY ABNORMAL BEHAVIOUR SUCH AS NECROZOOPHILIA, SADOMASOCHISTIC FANTASIES AND OTHER THINGS WE PROBABLY CANNOT MENTION HERE FOR LEGAL REASONS
PROVOKING NARCISSISTIC AND PSYCHOPATHIC TENDENCIES, INCLUDING A HYSTERICALLY UNREALISTIC LEVEL OF SELF-BELIEF, FAILURE TO UNDERSTAND ONE’S OWN PERSONAL LIMITATIONS, EXTERNAL ARROGANCE COMBINED WITH CRIPPLING SELF-DOUBT THAT LEADS ONE TO CONSTANTLY SEEK PRAISE FROM OTHERS, COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS THAT EVENTUALLY LEAD TO FULL-BLOWN DELUSIONAL BEHAVIOUR
ABUSIVE PERSONALITIES, HYPERACTIVE FLAMBOYANCE AND PATHOLOGICAL DISHONESTY ARE OFTEN KEY FEATURES OF COCAINE-INDUCED INSANITY AS WELL.
WE ARE CURRENTLY RESEARCHING THE EFFECTS COCAINE MAY HAVE ON PEOPLE IN OTHER PARTIES, BUT IF WE CAN FINALLY COME TO SOME CLEAR AND INDISPUTABLE CONCLUSIONS, YOU’LL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW!
The Daily Mail are not particularly happy with this, crying ‘FAKE SCIENCE!’ However, one confidential NHS source tells us:
Media standards of science reporting are notoriously low. In fairness, we did also make clear that the causal relationship in question is not entirely clear. Are narcissistic, dishonest psychopaths naturally drawn to become Tory Cokeheads and Cayman yacht wankers, or are Tory Cokeheads and Cayman Yacht Wankers naturally drawn to taking cocaine? Our best hypothesis so far is that the best explanation is probably one of mutual causal determination, with both factors clearly influencing and strengthening the other. However, we are not currently permitted to say anything more, as we are currently packing our bags for administrative detention. Tara for now! Have a good one…
Britain's Home Office neither confirms nor denies it has identified sites to use as internment camps in the event of a no-deal Brexit, saying it needs a "safe space to develop ideas".
12-page FOI refusal with my highlights below. Anyone with concrete info please get in touch. pic.twitter.com/HWby5AVY9r
— Tom Wills (@TomWills) October 8, 2019