Richard Littlejohn and Polly Toynbee Finally Reach Consensus

Richard Littlejohn and Polly Toynbee Finally Reach Consensus

This is an excerpt from the debate I hosted between Richard Littlejohn and Polly Toynbee on a well known, highly-respected and thoroughly unbiased media outlet. Have a look; just in case you, by any strange chance, managed to miss it.

Littlejohn:

No, I’m serious Polly, really Polly, this has gone too far. It was one thing when public money was being diverted into groups for gay Peruvian mountain climbers and genderqueer limbo-dancers from Sardinia…
Yes, I was even prepared to put up with it, for the sake of the peace, when there was the odd bit of hard-working taxpayers’ money going to assist lesbian Scandinavian Latin archivists with bowel problems. But now, I open the paper this morning, and what do I see?

Toynbee:

Oh do shut up, no, really, I’m beyond caring, Richard. You’re entirely distorting the issues. None of these groups exist.
Yes, you’re constructing a hegemonic semiotic narrative, in accordance with a dubious Wittgensteinian language game that normal, decent people such as…

Littlejohn:

Well, I have the evidence! Look it up in your own time!
And anyway, the moment we start shelling out taxpayer’s money for ultraviolet Trans-Sogdian Pan-Akkadian origami massage therapy for bi-curious former dissident Tibetan monks…
Who, by the way, belong to a sub-sect making up only 1.2% of the hardly voluminous Gelugpa sect, who are mainly found in one single autonomous region of the People’s Republic of China…
Monks who, in order to qualify, must be ginger-haired, vegan wheelchair users with asthma, a dodgy leg and a touch of long-term and sufficiently severe insomnia that impacts severely enough on their daily lives to…
Well, to just about prevent them from claiming their welfare benefits in person or fitting their own Sky TV box themselves…

Toynbee:

Oh do shut up, no, really, I’m beyond caring, Richard. You’re entirely distorting the issues. None of these groups exist.
Yes, you’re constructing a hegemonic semiotic narrative, in accordance with a dubious Wittgensteinian language game that normal, decent people such as… Well… We just won’t agree, I’m afraid! Harrumph!

Richard:

Well you’re not far off the mark there, Polly! You’re right, we won’t agree, you are absolutely right about that,

Toynbee:

You are 100% correct… oh. Oh, God!

Toynbee:

That’s right, indeed… But oh! Oh, really, oh dear! Oh, now… I see what we just did there.

Richard:

You telling me? Urgh! I’ve just agreed with Polly Toynbee! My career is ruined! Urgh! Yuck! I can’t believe I’ve brought this on myself! After all these years! I’m disgusted with myself! I don’t want to even think about… Oh, God!
Oh, God! I mean, this is worse than that time Ed Miliband tried to take a selfie with me at the idiotic Trot demonstration when I was trying to grab a good, honest, city sarnie in Pret… Sorry sorry, I mean, a less lefty one, let’s say Starbucks..

Toynbee:

Oh, really, oh, what a pity, I’m going to have to find a new career too. Imagine having the slightest modicum of common ground with Richard Littlejohn! Really!
Oh dear! I simply can’t bear it! We said we were in total agreement, did we not?… Oh dear, really!

Richard:

Well, you think you’ve got problems? God! I can’t believe it! My reputation is finally ruined!

Please don’t worry. I can assure you all that despite this setback, Richard and Polly will be back soon to give you their opinions on How To fix Broken Britain,™  and How To Rebuild The Unrebuildable Wreckage Wreaked By The Unaccountable and Unelected Con-Dem Coalition.™
Still, can’t believe I found these two journalists agreeing on something though; you just couldn’t make it up, could you?
Oh, and one last word from Polly:
“Actually, dear interviewer, you just did.”
Oh, wait and Richard too?
“No, he bloody well didn’t, Polly!”
Well… let’s not go down that road.

Image attribution:

By Chatham HousePolly Toynbee, CC BY 2.0, Link

Originally published on The Spoof.

Richard Littlejohn and Polly Toynbee Finally Reach Consensus

A Cocktail of Journalistic Insights

A Cocktail of Journalistic Insights

Dateline: NEW YORK—Make no mistake, journalists drilled down and told a cautionary tale of the bombshell that landed on a dumpster fire in the middle of a firestorm, after the grilling of senators who pivoted to whether they’d reached a tipping point or were just playing politics, not fearing the optics of thinking outside the box at the crossroads of their last ditch effort, although there was plenty of blame to go around in this searing indictment of the favourite Washington parlor game that turned a blind eye on a potent symbol of the game-changer which donned the mantle of a hotly contested feeding frenzy.

Needless to say, it remains to be seen in the 24-hour news cycle of the digital age, whether, at first glance, the woefully inadequate, byzantine rules that burst onto the scene will allow the punditocracy to breathe a sigh of relief or will force it to probe the powers that be for the American people, but those rules double-down with strange bedfellows in the wake of keen observers of tongue-wagging, well-heeled lobbyists who met with an ignominious end in the final analysis at the end of the day when, for all intents and purposes, cooler heads prevailed at the inflection point of no return that was shrouded in secrecy in an ill-advised, much-ballyhooed, hastily-convened, closely-watched and oft-cited paradigm shift of a broken system that underscores the object lesson of this Rorschach test.

Be that as it may, this is not your father’s tectonic shift, if you will, and Christmas came early for skittish donors in that land of contradictions which ushered in an eye-popping era in a nutshell that, contrary to popular belief, prevented anyone from acknowledging the new normal in which there are no face-saving compromises and we all press each other’s hot-button issues which are the talk of the town, yet a portrait emerges of a grizzly veteran who endured withering criticism in a dizzying array of wide-ranging interviews in a nondescript office building, and of the poster child of an unsung hero who was tapped to rise from obscurity and spark a debate that raised the specter of hand-wringing partisans on both sides who traded barbs in a war of words and walked on thin ice in a charm offensive, going forward as creatures of Washington in a stinging rebuke to the fevered speculation of the proverbial growing body of evidence that shines a spotlight on a political football, which raises more questions than answers about the tightly knit social fabric.

A Cocktail of Journalistic Insights