Tag Archive | "jesus"

There Is(n’t) No Morality w/o the Bible (comic)


The argument is everywhere. Without the Bible, there would be no morality. Well that’s obviously untrue, since atheists are disproportionately absent in jails.

Blame that on the lack of education of many Evangelicals (especially the home-schooled crowd) if you like, but you’ve got an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful being on your side. We just have science. Read the full story

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Posted in Comics, ReligionismComments (2)

Research Shows Many, in Fact, Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest


It is a misnomer, one that has apparently seeped into the culture’s subconscious, that only one person flew over the cuckoo’s nest.

This myth, perpetuated by the 70’s movie classic of the same name, has become so ingrained into our psyche that it is safe to say public perception will never change no matter how much evidence is presented to the contrary.

Nevertheless, GlossyNews international affiliate Iron E-News is here to do its part. Read the full story

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Posted in Religionism, SocietyComments (15)

Economic Struggle Forces Mary, Joseph to Merge Christ’s B-day, Christmas Presents Into One


BETHLEHEM – Citing financial hardship amid the ongoing global economic downturn, Mary and Joseph – the parents of Jesus Christ – have conceded that they will have to merge their only son’s birthday and Christmas presents into one.

After years of making sure that Christ – whose birthday happens to fall on Christmas Day – always gets a least one present for each occasion, the couple insisted that they just cannot afford the extra plunge this year. Read the full story

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Republicans Crucify Jesus for Offering Free Healthcare


BILOXI – People were shocked when a strange light was seen in the sky yesterday. Many wondered if it was a meteor. However, the light that fell to earth was none other than Jesus Christ himself.

The Christian leader landed in Biloxi, Mississippi at approximately 3:16 p.m. local time. Area residents first met Jesus with shotguns because they initially mistook him for a “hippie liberal immigrant” that was going to “rob them or talk about Obama.”

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

Jesus quickly performed several miracles in order to prove his identity including curing an area woman’s cancer and giving eyesight to a blind preacher. Read the full story

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Republicans to Change Symbol from Elephant to Jesus Holding a Shotgun


Washington D.C. – In what many are calling a sign of the Republican Party’s desperation, Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus today announced that the long standing symbol of the Republican Party, the elephant, is being replaced by an image of Jesus with a shotgun.

Priebus said that Republicans were more able to relate to an armed Jesus than an elephant. “We did a lot of polls and stuff,” said Priebus. Read the full story

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Walmart Buys Exclusive Rights to Christmas, Axes Controversial “Jesus”


In a sweeping move today Walmart has bought the entire rights to Christmas and all its accessories. The move is designed to give Walmart control over the popular holiday and to help shore up the retail giant as being the main source that shoppers go to to procure their gift buying.

The legal right to Christmas and all its traditions, imagery and concepts gives Walmart the legal right to pick and choose what themes it will support and those it will allow to wither and die. Read the full story

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Posted in Biz NewsComments (6)

Jesus: “I Need a Militia Like I Need an A-hole on My Elbow”


ALANSON, Mich. (Glossy News) — When news reached Heaven that a Midwestern militia was discovered training Jesus on handling the upcoming rapture, the Son of God laughed and exclaimed, “I need a militia to help me like I need an asshole on my elbow. And If I needed an asshole on my elbow, we’d all have one.”

According to a popular book that is available at every bookstore in the U.S., unless the store has XXX over the doorway, Jesus has the backing of the most powerful being in the Universe, who actually invented men. Read the full story

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Jesus Declines Dinner Invite from Congresswoman Michele Bachmann


“Sorry, Michele, I’m busy that night,” was the unfortunate reply to Congresswoman, Michele Bachmann’s invitation to dinner to none other than Jesus Christ, her personal Lord and Savior. The woman from Minnesota was crushed.

“Sure, I got definite yeses from Adam, the first man, and George Washington. I even got a definite maybe from Johann Bach, whose music would make a lovely background for the pheasant dinner I’ve got planned,” said Bachmann. “But not having Jesus there, well, I’ve waited all my life for this moment and I definitely feel he’s let me down.” Read the full story

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Church Says Censoring Muhammad Violates Equal Opportunity Hate


In a classic U-turn change of mind the creators of the popular pint sized animated television show “South Park” decided to sensor their 200th episode. This preceded an almost global outcry from Muslims following the depiction of Muhammad [saw] in a brown bear suit alongside making fun of other religious figures such as Jesus and Buddha who interestingly remained ‘uncensored’. Read the full story

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Posted in TelevisionComments (1)

Glenn Beck Believes He is More Popular than Jesus AND the Beatles


Glenn Beck originally attacked John Lennon posthumously for his quote “We are more popular than Jesus now.” However, Beck recently admitted he now knows exactly what Lennon was referring to when he said those words. Beck now believes that not only is he (Beck) more popular than Jesus, but he also believes he is infinitely more popular than the Beatles. Read the full story

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Posted in Politics, Top StoriesComments (6)

Mix-up in Hell Has Satan Sending More than One Anti-Christ to Earth


HOLLISTER, California (GLossyNews) — Satan is said to be madder than hell at his minions this week after he learned that more than one, and possibly as many as eight Anti-Christs have been unleashed upon the Earth during the past century.

Harry Scarem, a demonologist from California was able to ascertain this after a particularly grueling satanic ritual over the weekend wherein Satan personally appeared for a few moments to explain the error. Said Satan, “I would have sent one of my minions, but they are all idiots.” Read the full story

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Missionary Finds Souls of Jungle Tribe Already “Saved”


Noplace, Ecuador (GlossyNews) — A young Christian missionary, chomping at the bit and excited that a fresh field of new pygmy souls was ripe for harvest, was distressed to find that a National Geographic photographer paid tribe members less than eight dollars each for their souls not two months before his arrival.

With Bible in tow, Christian Missionary, Jonah Thompson, was found standing in the soulless remains of a pygmy tribe outside of Ecuador, watching what looked like normal tribe activity Read the full story

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Glenn Beck Found Naked, Confused Wandering Along Highway


New Canaan, Connecticut – Fox Television and radio personality, Glenn Beck was found wandering along Merritt Parkway close to his home in New Canaan, Connecticut early Thursday morning around 2 a.m. He was naked and confused and muttering “don’t freakin’ tread on me, don’t freakin’ tread on Glenn Beck, for I am your Savior,” and was taken to the nearest hospital for observation. He was openly weeping. Read the full story

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Jesus Added to ‘No Fly’ list


Cairo, Illinois (GlossyNews) TSA director Laurie Partridge faced harsh questions this week in her appearance before the House sub-Committee for Members We don’t know What to do With.

Ms. Partridge explained to the allegedly powerful HCMWW, the Savior of the world was in no way singled out; it shouldn’t be seen as a religion thing.

Sitting next to her legal counsel Adam Lambert, who was wearing a stylish red Versace leather jacket, Ms. Partridge said, “We don’t profile people, but we do profile people, right?” Read the full story

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GOP Opposes Jesus’ 2012 Presidential Campaign


KANSAS CITY, MO (GlossyNews) — Jesus Christ announced today that he is throwing his halo in the ring as a contender for the 2012 presidential race. Rather than commencing with the long-awaited Second Coming, the Big Three decided that He could generate greater outreach through politics.

He referred to Barack Obama’s success as His inspiration. After American voters, in defiance of history, accomplished the seemingly impossible task of electing a black president, organizers for the “Christ 2012 – It’s Not the End of the World” campaign also thought they could pull off a miracle by getting a notoriously ethical man nominated to the highest office in the land. Read the full story

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Controversial Study Finds Jews Did Not Kill Jesus, Crucifixion Did


SALT LAKE CITY, UT (GlossyNews) — There are approximately 38,000 denominations of Christianity in existence today, making it the most widely practiced religion in the world with over 2.1 billion adherents. And although each sect agrees on the fundamental assumption that Jesus Christ is the savior of humanity, the similarities end there.

Between denominations, doctrinal differences have sparked considerable disagreements about which groups can properly be called Christian. Replacement Theology, embraced by various aspects of the Church for over 1,700 years, is perhaps one of the most divisive. Read the full story

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