Tag Archive | "gun control"

NRA Suggestion to Weed Out Crazies Met w/ Unexpected Results


The US government has decided to do what the NRA says and instead of not letting people buy a lot of guns and bullets that the would try to find the crazy people and just stop them from getting them.

As anyone knows, guns and bullets are just innocent formed pieces of metal that, of their own accord, would never want to hurt an ant. No. It is when bad people or crazy people get a hold of them and do bad things. Read the full story

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New Law Requires Gun Manufacturers to Clean Up Post-Massacre Mess


A new wrinkle in the gun control debate has come about. Sick of the inordinate control that gun makers have over our society and the political influence that have upon our government, a massive petition campaign has brought about a new law making gun makers responsible for cleaning up the mess left after a mass shooting.

After another mall massacre in California, the Bushmaster Firearms International Corporation, the companies whose gun the psycho used to blast 6 people, had to go in with trash bags and pick up the blasted pieces of flesh left scattered by the ferocity of the gun used. Read the full story

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“Gun Bubble Imminent” Claims Financial Wizard


E. Edmund Worthington, a foremost prognosticator in the world of weapons pricing, is warning potential gun buyers to save their cash and quit buying guns.

“The prices are way too high now folks,” said Worthington in a voice resembling a concerned father, as he began talking about the crazy run on guns taking place all over America.

“Even if you have a gun permit or are sane enough to apply for one, it’s just too much of a financial risk,” he warned his rapt audience at the annual American Armament and Bankers Conference in Roanoke, Virginia. Read the full story

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Pro-gun Lobby Calls for State-Level Ban On Schools


WASHINGTON D.C. – Almost a month after a gunman claimed the lives of nearly 30 people at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT, members of a pro-gun group have urged states across the nation to pass tough legislation aimed at banning the use of schools.

Chairman of Capital Arms – a firearms advocacy group in Washington D.C. – Todd Bryant insisted Tuesday that “tragedies like Newtown could have been prevented if kids didn’t have such easy access to educational buildings.” Read the full story

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Raise Your Hands For Gun Control Then.. .Drop Your Pants


SatireWorld.com – Sure, lets enact a true “Law on Firearms and Ammunition.” This law will require anyone who owns a firearm, or who wants to own a firearm in the future, to register their intentions with our Federal authorities and apply for a simple permit and a universal Firearm ID card. Read the full story

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Sensible Gun-Control Proposals Obvious, Impossible


In the wake of the Sandy Hook massacre the question of gun control has come up once again. Sure, we can’t blame people, or guns, or bullets, so I guess the onus falls on firing pins, and they’re the real villains.

What I’ve seen on political discussion sites, including /r/politics on Reddit, is an awful lot of hate for common sense approaches to even the most modest, incremental steps towards regulating guns in America. Read the full story

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FBI Fears NRA’s Wayne LaPierre Fits Profile of Lone Gunman


Wayne LaPierre, notorious leader of the gun cult religion known as the NRA, is under investigation by the FBI as fitting the profile of the notorious ‘lone gunman’ so prevalent in modern American literature and films.

His stoney faced demeanor, extreme viewpoints, non-compromising attitude, arsenal of guns and misanthropic disposition fit exactly into the model picture that has evolved in criminology science as being ‘the lone gunman’ persona. Read the full story

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NRA solves gun violence problem: Bullet-proof vests for every American


A small minority of Americans (estimated to be less than 87%) were shocked by recent remarks by Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the National Rifle Association, the world’s largest gun rights lobbying organization.

In his remarks LaPierre argued forcefully that the problem is not that there are too many guns in America. The problem is that there are not enough of them. Putting the blame for youth violence squarely where it belongs, LaPierre argued that the problem is not that deadly weapons are almost as easy to buy as toothpaste. Read the full story

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Siege Of NRA Headquarters By Outraged Citizens Enters Its Second Day.


The siege at the NRA Headquarters has entered its second day. Irate citizens, sickened by the NRA’s constant arrogant promotion of guns of mass destruction in society especially in the wake of the child shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School, have repeatedly attacked the facility using suicide bombs and mortars.

Interestingly they have not been using the assault rifles and hardcore guns that the NRA is famous for insisting on fronting for arms dealers. Instead, they have decided to vent their feelings Iraqi style. Read the full story

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NRA Finds Just the Man for Their Propaganda Ministry


The National Rifle Association, caught like a raccoon in the headlights by the shooting of grade school children, has been awfully quiet since the incident.

The shooting puts them in a very negative light since they support the sales of the very weapons that tore up the bodies of the little kids at Sandy Hook.

They have finally announced that they will be holding a press conference on the Friday after the tragedy, a move that has certainly bought them some valuable time to go over the collateral damage this has done (not to the kids, but rather to their image) and, most importantly to them, how to get back to making those big bucks pushing guns with maximum kill ratios. Read the full story

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Supreme Court Protects Corporations’ Right to Bear Arms


Washington D.C. – Today the Supreme Court upheld Corporations’ Second Amendment Rights.

This decision comes in the wake of the much controversial decision, FEC v. Citizens United, where the Court upheld corporations First Amendment rights to free speech by striking down provisions of the McCain-Feingold Act.

In the historic case of Wal-mart v United States, the supreme court extended the same constitutional liberties granted to free citizens of the United States to the mega store chain. the Justices were split in a 5-4 decision. The decision residing on whether or not corporations had the same rights as individuals since they were an assembly of individual citizens, including the second ammendment right to bear arms.

Right: Image appears courtesy of Heather Gillam. Click to enlarge.

Michael T. Duke, CEO of Wal-mart, said “This is a great day for liberty indeed. No longer does the American public have to be dependent on the United States Military for protection from foreign invasion, now they can get the same protection at a lower price.”

Wal-mart, employing more people than the US Army, has built a reputation of offering consumer goods and services at a cheaper price than any competitor.

Robson Walton, eldest son of the founder Sam Walton, explained “We already have enough firearms and ammunition to arm all of our employees. We also have the food and resources to provide Americans with a more adequate response to natural disasters than the military. We don’t want to replace the Military by any means, we just want to provide people with another option.”

Chief Justice Roberts wrote the majority opinion, stating “Corporations have been treated like second class citizens for far too long. It was our landmark decision in FEC v Citizens United that protected the freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution of these United States and had raised the question of corporations subservient role in our national context.

It is the opinion of the court that these patriots will be protected. We will no longer fear terror with the additional protection these private citizens will provide, to ensure freedom will be enjoyed by future generations without fear and prejudice.”

The dissenting opinion, written by Justice Sotomayor, was the shortest in the court’s history. It simply read “I’m moving to Canada.”

Mass mobilizations have been spotted around Target and K-Mart stores around the nation, Wal-mart citing the necessity for a preemptive strike before the “tyranny of these rouge chains can be contained.” Wal-Mart used grainy satellite imaging, processed at the Wal-Mart Photo Center impressively in under an hour, as evidence. These photos showed Wal-Mart’s competitors attempting to lower their prices in order to gain the capital necessary to arm themselves.

Wal-Mart, following their typical business model, has been purchasing armaments from China. They reported that “the Chinese have provided cheaper munitions, allowing Wal-Mart to provide world class security that a working class family can afford.”

Pentagon senior officials look forward to the relief provided by Americas corporations, going further to say “finally, the private sector is doing something to protect this nation.”

Duke, while cleaning a gold plated .45 caliber handgun asserted that “maybe now corporations will be granted the right to vote, guaranteed by the 14th amendment. Having to pay a politician to make sure your interests are met is such an arduous process, and unconstitutional if you ask me.”

Senate and House Republicans have rallied around the decision, emphasizing the reduced cost for future military conflicts they plan to blame on President Obama.

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2012 Campaign Issues for Dummies


For those of us having a hard time keeping up with the issues this election year there’s welcome help on the horizon. John Wiley and Sons, Inc. released the latest in their series of voter issue references entitled, Campaign Issues for Dummies.

Using familiar icons as chapter headers, you’ll be able to quickly locate the issue of your choosing. Read, be informed and remember to VOTE.

Job Outsourcing

If you live in a region heavy in manufacturing, then that sucking sound Ross Perot warned you about in 1992 is what you HEARD a few years ago as all your jobs relocated to Mexico. That sound you heard in 2000 was all the high tech service jobs relocating to India and China.

The sound you hear NOW is the sound of jobs in the financial and manufacturing sectors being sucked down a black hole. The next sound you will hear is the WHOOSH of low-wage food service jobs rushing in to fill the void.

If you are a voter concerned about job creation versus job outsourcing, then you should select a candidate with no ties to Big Business, Ivy League schools, Old Money or Secret Societies.

If you are a voter unopposed to globalism, who keeps money in offshore accounts, and neither has nor needs a job, you should select a candidate based solely on the tax-breaks and their unabashed agenda of appeasement of the rich

If you are a voter who has learned Spanish as well as perfected the art of cooking with cumin, you should select a candidate with enough global vision not to wear out America’s welcome before you get there.

Military Spending

If you are a voter who doesn’t mind spending $8.9 billion on a missile defense system that doesn’t work, then you should select the candidate with the highest gullibility factor.

If you are a voter who thinks that defense spending should be drastically cut, you should select the candidate with the LEAST amount of travel in the 3rd World.

If you are active duty military, reserves or National Guard, on your third tour in a combat zone with dependents on food stamps and eating canned spinach, you should vote out the incumbent as a warning to the rest.

Education

If you are an Ivy-League educated voter with a child in private school, you should vote for the candidate who favors spending taxpayer money on vouchers for private schools that keep out the riff-raff.

If you are a voter with children in public school, you should vote for the candidate who favors increased education spending without accountability or performance goals.

If you are a teacher, you should consider a second job while selecting the candidate who went to public schools and state college.

Medicare

If you fall into the 18-34 demographics, you should vote for the candidate who declines using this issue to raise your taxes.

If you fall into the 35-65 demographics, you should vote for the candidate who guarantees that Medicare won’t go completely broke by 2019.

If you fall into the 65 and up demographics, you should apply for Canadian citizenship.

Gun Control

If you are an avid fan of the 2nd Amendment, you should join the NRA and vote for the candidate they tell you. Afterall, they’ve got all the guns

If you’re an advocate for gun control, you should stay out of redneck bars in Montana and vote for whomever Michael Moore endorses.

If you’re more of a pragmatist than a single-issue voter, you should vote AGAINST any candidate that makes this a hot button issue. But, keep your head down.

War on Terror

If you believe the United States has a moral obligation to lead the fight in the War on Terror, even if it means acting unilaterally, then you should select the candidate with a “shoot-from-the-hip” attitude who is most likely to “smoke ’em out and get ’em running,” without the need for time-consuming activities such as “good planning.”

If you believe the United States should work and cooperate with other nations to sustain steady pressure, including military action, on rogue nations who support and sponsor terrorism, without getting over-extended, then you should select the candidate with the most actual combat experience.

If just want to end this thing by any means necessary, so that no terrorist organization would dare attack U.S. targets again for fear of a fate worst than death, you should select the candidate with organized crime ties.

Wartime Leadership

If you are a voter who finds it comforting to have a leader during wartime that reminds you of the your rich, spoiled fraternity brother you really couldn’t count on, you should select the candidate who has lost the most brain cells due to substance abuse.

If you are a voter who favors decisive, informed leadership through the darkest times, and the ability to abandon failed policies in favor of new, adaptive strategies, while enduring the prolonged uncertainty and stress of war, you should select a candidate with P.O.W. experience.

If you are a voter that favors world domination during the post-war reconstruction, you should select a multi-billionaire megalomaniac industrialist with extensive monopoly experience.

Same Sex Unions

If you are a voter who feels that another people’s personal rights somehow cheapen your own, and advocate adding a 28th Amendment which (unlike most other amendments) works to limit personal liberties, then you should vote for the candidate furthest right on the zealot scale.

If you are a voter who believes that the “granting of rights” is the primary purpose of an amendment, and are not diminished in any way by the personal lives of others, you should select a candidate with relatives who lead alternative lives.

If you are a voter reluctant to express your personal convictions either way for fear of mob violence, vote AGAINST any candidate who makes this a hot-button issue.

The Environment

If you are a voter who advocates the wholesale destruction of any environmental object that stands in the way of industrial progress and your ability to secure sufficient oil supplies to meet the needs of your Hummer, you should select a candidate who can skillfully misinterpret scientific data, and has the most inclination to arbitrarily adjust environmental standards.

If you are a voter who feels strongly about the preservation of the environment, and desire legislation to outlaw the exploitation of wilderness areas for any reason, you’re out of luck. You should have supported Kucinich when you had the chance.

If you are a pragmatist who seeks balance between technology and nature, you should select a candidate who is NOT from a large east or west coast urban area.

If you’re an analytical sort who questions the real significance of global warming when faced with possible reduced sunspot activity, you’re too damned smart to vote for any of these clowns.

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There Is A Psychic Sickness That Runs Through the Denver Metro Area


This is NOT a funny article.

There is a strain of psychic illness prevalent in certain social stratas of the Denver area of the Colorado Front Range. It is a sickness that spreads tendrils like a cancer. It has been here for a long time, well before the Columbine disaster. Read the full story

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Gun Enthusiasts Enthusiastic Following Theater Shooting


I recently had the great fortune to talk to Guy Fortescue, head of the NRA chapter in Lexington, Kentucky, about the Second Amendment and what he’d previously described to me as the “integral American liberty to carry guns.” What follows is a transcription of our meeting, where we discussed why carrying guns would’ve prevented the theater shooting in Colorado. Read the full story

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Charlton Heston Returns From Grave To Protect Colorad Gun Rights Despite Batman Theater Shootings


The iconic movie matinee idol Charlton Heston has risen from the dead like a neo Jesus Christ to stick up for his National Rifle Association buddies after a gunman shot 70 people, killing 12 including children, at a midnight Batman movie premiere in the Denver area close to Columbine.

Rolling in his grave at the thought of another injustice to his beloved gun club he arose from the grave to make damn sure that didn’t happen. Just like he did after the Columbine High School shootings a short ways away from the Read the full story

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The Take Back America Do-It-Yourself Self-Government Tool Kit


Does the depressed economy have you feeling DOWN!!!!??? Are you concerned because our government can’t seem to solve our spiraling debt crisis? Confused about how to end the stalemate between Republicans and Democrats over how to restore America’s former greatness and still balance the budget? Read the full story

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