Tag Archive | "gop"

New Karl Rove Infomercial: “Weaseling Your Way To Success”


Greetings fellow Americans – Are you one of the downtrodden ones who have never had a lucky break?

I was one too, but I am going to pass on to you how you can break out of the bad luck cycle with my new book “Weaseling Your Way To Success!”

As a child I was unattractive, unpopular and as dorky as Popeye going through spinach withdrawals. But I powered through all that to the very top echelons of our society. Read the full story

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Tea Party’s Bold Plans to Eliminate the Debt Completely by Dec. 17th – Conclusion


Previously, I shared with you some bold new initiatives planned by America’s leading Tea Party politicians to wipe out the entire US Debt before the end of the year.

Think of it as a gigantic Christmas present to America from the Tea Party (so long as you’re not elderly, disabled, poor, a member of a labor union, Muslim or, worse yet, gay).

You can read Part I of this series here, where you will learn about brilliant ideas put forth by some of the brightest stars in the Tea Party caucus of Congress to save trillions in wasteful spending in the areas of healthcare, education, and financial regulatory reform.

As brilliant as those thoughtful plans are, I’ve saved the best of the best for this week’s conclusion. So let’s get started, shall we? Here are some even more brilliant debt-reduction schemes waiting to be implemented by the Tea Party-controlled Congress* (a wholly-owned subsidiary of Koch Brothers Industries*).

Kentucky’s Tea Party Senator Rand Paul has a daring new solution to the unemployment crisis: Ship all of America’s unemployed to Mexico. Speaking briefly yesterday to a gathering of people dressed like Ben Franklin, Paul said, “Let’s be honest. Most of these people stopped looking for work eight months ago. Now they are just draining the coffers of our states’ unemployment insurance plans. It’s not like any of them is going to get a decent-paying job any time soon.”

Paul’s innovative cost-cutting plan will ship anyone over the age of 21 (age 25 if you’re married with children) who has been unemployed for more than five months to Guadalajara, Mexico. Paul is confident that with American workers’ superior education, training and competitive dental hygiene, they are sure to shine in Mexico’s robust job market – leapfrogging over most Mexicans as they compete for jobs as textile factory workers, fruit pickers, and, if lucky, drug mules.

South Carolina’s Tea Party Congressman Joe “YOU LIE” Wilson, has recently proposed his own ingenious plan to shave trillions off of our national debt – by shaving off trillions of acres off of America.

“Let’s face it,” said Wilson to a gathering of men and women dressed up like  Abraham Lincoln recently. “Several states like California, Oregon, Washington, New York and Massachusetts have made a mockery of America’s heartland values.” He went on to denounce these radically leftwing blue states for routinely taunting America’s small town moral majority.

Wilson’s plan eliminates countless national debt-related problems caused by the presence of leftwing liberals, gays, unionized teachers and Bill Maher once and for all – by unilaterally seceding any state from the Union which is deemed morally bankrupt – as determined by a phone-in poll of  Rush Limbaugh radio listeners.

Wilson’s “Most of America First” plan will save what’s left of our nation after the secession trillions of dollars in healthcare costs and unemployment benefits, not to mention substantially reducing the number of frivolous civil rights lawsuits from gays – in part because most of them won’t technically be living in our country anymore. In response to angry complaints from residents of California and New York who expressed outrage that this unilateral secessionary move was unfair and unconstitutional, Representative Wilson shouted back, “Repeat after me, rest of America: ‘Not my problem.’ “

Finally, in a bold display of patriotism and compromise with his Democratic colleagues across the aisle,  Iowa Representative Steve King, normally a staunch opponent of taxes and reason, is sponsoring groundbreaking tax legislation:

“The government shall levy a 25% federal income surtax on anyone who appears to be Muslim or speaks Arabic fluently – 35% if  ‘Mohammed’ appears anywhere in their name or they insist on wearing burkas.”

At a press conference, Representative King asserted that his tax proposal, the complete text of which appears above, needed no further explanation nor justification. Amen, Congressman. Amen.

King then abruptly left in his private Learjet for a round of golf at Pebble Beach with the Koch brothers and House Speaker Boehner, where they plan to discuss ways to eliminate Social Security for anyone earning less than $150,000 a year.

I applaud our inspirational Tea Party leaders. They are passionate about their beliefs and they stick to their guns (often literally). I know of no other political group in our nation’s history that has ever had such titanic aspirations for our country. I can’t imagine there could be any icebergs ahead.

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Tea Party’s Bold Plans to Eliminate the Debt Completely by December 17th


Last summer, after a long and contentious fight between Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, our federal government narrowly avoided its first-ever credit default.

People all over the world waited anxiously to find out whether our elected officials were going to voluntarily inflict economic suicide on the nation. In the final nail-biting hours, they reached a compromise to avert disaster – much to the bitter disappointment of every Tea Party member in America. Read the full story

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11 Reasons Sarah Palin Was A Better VP Pick Than Dick Cheney


Ex Minister of Vice Dick Cheney has come out (no, not out of the closet. Don’t we wish!) and said that Sarah Palin was a poor choice for Vice President. Well son of a gun! It’s the pot calling the kettle black!

Let’s take a look at why Palin WOULD have been a better vice President than Cheney ever was:

Read the full story

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Rob Portman Takes Over Romney Campaign While Romney in London


The GOP has seized its chance to finally rid itself of Mitt Romney as their presumptive Presidential candidate. Just minutes after Romney’s plane was supposedly landing in London, GOP Chairman Reice Priebus announced on CNN that Ohio Senator Rob Portman would be replacing Romney as the GOP’s official candidate for President.

Mitt Romney, in private meetings with top European financiers since his arrival in London, could not be reached for comment. Ann Romney’s horse, however, is expected to win the dressage event at the Olympics.

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Republicans Not Sure Which Grover to Follow, Norquist or the Muppet


Republican lawmakers have been pretty gung ho these past couple years to sign the Taxpayer Protection Pledge penned by Conservative Lobbyist and smarmy ringleader, Grover Norquist. The pledge essentially requires a “no” vote on any tax increase, especially on the wealthiest of taxpayers, known best for their long-disproved “tinkle-down” economic theory. Read the full story

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Porn Industry Backs Obama Re-election


Anita Bryce-Flaverhaven is a petite woman many would describe as soft-spoken. She sits behind a walnut desk in an office among the skyscrapers that comprise the Sacramento skyline. All around her are mementos denoting a vibrant family life away from work. Photos of rafting trips on the Colorado, birthday parties, and hand drawn Mother’s Day cards adorn the walls. Read the full story

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GOP Halloween Haunted House of Terror Coming to Tampa


This coming Halloween season, you’ll get a chance to tour one of the scariest amusement attractions you’ll ever experience – if you have the stomach. I’m of course talking about the chillingly scary GOP Presidential Halloween Haunted House of Terror – sure to give even the most stouthearted independent voter nightmares. Read the full story

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Gingrich Charged With Felonious Photoshopping


WASHINGTON DC –GlossyNews Newt Gingrich, politician and part-time front runner in the GOPTea™ presidential race, has been charged with “the gravest, most evil transgression that humanity has ever been subjected to.” An activist group claims Mr. Gingrich has been illegally sending out fundamentally photoshopped images of himself for many years. They present the attached photo as proof of the egregious offense. Read the full story

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Roy Blunt Talks Hoes Not Women on International Women’s Day


Sen. Roy Blunt (R-Mo) chose International Women’s Day to talk about hoes. Here’s how he chose to honor March 8, 2012 on Twitter:

Today is Natl Agriculture Day. Hope you’ll join me to recognize the vital benefits agriculture plays in our everyday lives.

Hey, Mr. Blunt, today also happens to be National Panic Day. I’d like to invite everyone to celebrate by taking a moment to freak out about just how scary the Republican Party has become.

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Fidel Polled Better Than Newt in Miami


MIAMI, FL —GlossyNews In a revealing, some even said shocking, poll taken after the Jacksonville GOPTea™ debate in Florida, Fidel Castro came in 4% ahead of Newt Gingrich, one of the real candidates for the presidential primary contest. The poll has a MOE of ±.025% and was conducted in the city’s central semi-residential district. People who answered any of the street pay phones that were called were asked 3 questions. The questions were asked only in Spanish, but not with a Cuban accent. Read the full story

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Aging Gingrich Sucking Life Out of Youthful Santorum Race


Volunteers for GOP candidate Rick Santorum say they are growing more tired by the day trying to come up with good things to say about Newt Gingrich in order to keep the Gingrich/Santorum tag team going against candidate Mitt Romney.

“At first we thought, ok, Newt is a bright dude, he has a bit more Washington experience than our Rick does, and ganging up on Romney would get us further than if we went after him ourselves,” said Jim Voeticki, chief organizer of the Santorum campaign. Read the full story

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New Jersey Governor Chris Christie Makes Huge Announcement


“I’ve given it much consideration,” said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie at an impromptu news conference called late Monday afternoon at the New Jersey diner where Christie is a regular customer. “I know that this decision will have a major impact on my wife Mary Pat, as well as my children, and so what I am about to tell you comes from my having spent hours upon hours upon hours spent in deep thought and reflection and it is a decision I do not take lightly.

With baited breath, the audience waited to hear those magical words, that Christie has decided to run for President.

“My fellow Americans, I am here today to announce to you my decision to choose a Weight Watcher’s diet over Atkins. My reasons for doing so…” but the crowd stood in silence. “You mean you’re freakin’ gonna finally go on a diet?” yelled someone from the back of the crowd.

“Yes,” replied Christie, puffing his chest out a bit more, so proud of himself and his decision. “Oh, and by the way, for the hundredth time folks, I am NOT running for President.”

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TLC Turns Republican Presidential Debates into Hit Reality Series


HOLLYWOOD – Look out, Snooki! Here come Newt and Mitt! Watch your back, Simon Cowell! The “TX-Factor” is right behind you!

While television network executives grapple with the generally weak ratings for their new fall lineup – a mostly tepid rehash of formulaic reality shows, sitcoms and police procedurals – the season’s one breakout hit has caught the TV industry completely by surprise with its unique and unprecedented combination of unscripted reality, riotous comedy, blood-thirsty horror and nail-biting suspense. Read the full story

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Local Woman Saves Planet by Allowing Satan to Dwell in Her Abscessed Tooth


“The pain, Thweet Jethuth the pain,” yelled Cloris Zucker as the dentist poked around in her mouth trying to find the source of her discomfort. He started out innocently enough, beginning on the left side and working his way over to the right.

“This one?” asked the dentist?

“Noph,” replied Cloris.

“This’n?” He asked as he hit the next tooth with his little silver hammer.

“Noph,” she said. “Nob fat one.” Read the full story

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Why Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann Could Never Be Democrats


Really I don’t understand why so many Liberals I have lots of admiration for get kinda ‘mouth foamy’ at the mention of Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann. My liberal friends seem to genuinely despise those two women. Myself, I don’t really hate anybody. Except for the guy who did that ‘Pina Colada” song; he should be water boarded. Read the full story

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