People who make up the richest 1% of the world’s population and who already own 98% of the world’s wealth were shocked to learn today that they could not have the last 2% of the wealth that belonged to the other 99% of the people.

“Why, I just don’t understand it,” said Mrs. Sarah Bueford, major shareholder of Bueford Electric, the monopoly that controls all of the power for the states in the southeast part of the U.S. “After all, we are the elite of this world. By reason of the fact that we are the upper class of the world, we should own everything there is!” Read the full story

The front page of USA Today announced that ‘Five Wall Street Heavyweights say it’s time to “Get Back Into Stocks!”’

Yes folks, for those of you who are not unemployed or living out of a storage unit, it is time to take your hard-earned cash and put it back into the hands of those people who almost sunk the United States like it was the Titanic.

Hey, what the heck! It’s only money. It’s not like you need it to survive in our modern world. Read the full story

Bronx, NY (GlossyNews) — The world side recession surprisingly ended abruptly today after the CEO’s, Investors and Economists responsible for causing the downturn by bilking investors, gouging company finances and lying to the public were taken out and shot.

Borrowing from the Red Chinese way of shooting economic criminals, the alleged ‘Captains of Society’ were lined up against a wall and mowed down. Read the full story

Detroit, MI (GlossyNews) -– In what was hailed as an extreme but necessary move by the Mayor of Detroit, work has begun in planning the total destruction and re-building of Detroit, this time as a shopping mall, not a city. All 143 square miles of the city will be leveled and work will begin early this fall on the mall, tentatively named the “Motown Mega Mall.” Read the full story

HAZLEHURST, MS (GlossyNews) — Sources close to GlossyNews confirm that today one of the most influential voices in Delta Blues has gone to heaven. Or so we hope.

The oldest child of sharecroppers Sam and Thelma Johnson, “Deaf Willie” never let his disability hold him back. According to his sister, Sandra Johnson-Morgenstern, a vice president who oversees new acquisition leverage at Goldman Sachs, Willie enjoyed all forms of music from an early age, even though he couldn’t hear any of it. Read the full story

Goldman Sachs is arguably best known as the firm that created the most wealth for the most clients over the longest sub-decade period of prosperity in modern history, though they’re as well known as the people who created the equally dismal downturn. Now, with the rise of satirists like Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, they’re better known as the men with “Golden Man Sacks”, and that’s apparently a joke they’re just fine with. Read the full story

The long lasting recession has caused in many a belief that money no longer has any value.

“What good is it to waste my whole day getting ready for work, going to work, working, going home from work, then spending the rest of my night recovering from work? I might just as well live in a refrigerator box and have my time free.” stated Eli Zacomin, laborer.

Many seem to agree with this idea. Read the full story

Where can the good news feasibly begin when the Rainbow starts and ends in crocks of festering shite?

The UN’s Climate Conference in Copenhagen has been pre-cursed and already daubed a well-deserved full seven shades of corrupt and deceitful shit-brown hue since the recent – though timely – exposure of the purposeful manipulation and falsification of historical meteorological records and global warming data feloniously committed by greedy academics and Read the full story

New York, NY – In a jolly but firm tone, the Association of Mall Santas (AMS) has issued a formal demand to Wall Street giant Goldman Sachs to hand over all their doses of the swine flu vaccine to the thousands of Mall Santas across the country who are going into this holiday season woefully unprepared to face one of the deadliest flu viruses to hit the world in recent memory. “If Virginia were alive today,” said one jolly old elf, “she’d be at high risk of catching a deadly disease from her most beloved adult figure. Yes, Virginia, there is a swine flu-carrying Santa Claus after all.” Read the full story