Tag Archive | "god"

Facing SOC 101 Test, Man Makes Peace w/ God


MIDDELTOWN – With the frightening prospect of his last test this semester for SOC 101 at Lord Fairfax Community College heightening, Bo Buzby is heading to church.

“I simply cannot afford to go through with this trial without first making my peace with God. The possibility of defeat ain’t outside tarnation, and so I’m not sure what to do,” he conceded.

Buzby came to the realization that he needed to be ready for the end after realizing his grades in the introductory Sociology course haven’t been so hot this semester. With one F, two D’s and one C- in all the exams so far, as well as straight zeroes across all homework, Buzby is on the edge between a passing grade of D- and complete failure of the course. He needs to earn an A if the former is to become reality. Read the full story

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God Gay


In a stunning revelation that is set to turn the Christian world on its head, Almighty God has admitted that He is a homosexual.

The Lord Above also talked at length about the “steamy and tumultuous relationship” He has had with another male deity over the past 1,462 years, but would not be drawn on His lover’s identity.

The news will come as an enormous blow to a large sect of the Christian faith, who regard homosexuality as a mortal sin – something that God Himself was quick to refute in an emergency address to His believers this morning. Read the full story

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God Privately Admits He Doesn’t Have Plan for Disabled Boy


HEAVEN – Speaking off-the-record Friday, the Lord God privately admitted that he did not have a concrete plan for local disabled boy Dwight Bowers, who was born paralyzed from the waist down.

Even though the excitable 6-year-old is routinely assured by his parents Kathryn and Edward that God is watching over him, The Almighty Father indicated that He has given “next-to-no-thought” as to the boy’s future. Read the full story

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God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family


INDIANAPOLIS – Responding to recent allegations made by the perpetrator himself, His Lordship Almighty God categorically denied Saturday that he had convinced local man Wayne Calzone to murder his wife and two sons.

God’s emphatic response comes after 32-year-old Calzone made claims to officials at the Indianapolis Police Department that he was “carrying out the work of the Almighty, and that “God told me it was the right thing to do.” Read the full story

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Candidates Politicize God’s Subtle Climate Change “Reminder”


GlossyNews.com – “Look, I tried,” God grumbled, “Picked the most populated part of the country, some of the most contentious states in the election and altered both of their campaign routes, but did they listen? Noooo.”

In a last, desperate attempt to create some political discussion on climate change, God sent Halloween hurricane Sandy, which made landfall a week before Election Day. It flooded states, stopped mass transit systems, and at least 4 people didn’t get their mail on Monday. Read the full story

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Republicans Find God, Win Epic Game of Hide & Seek


Senator Chris Coons’ office has sent out a short brief detailing how the Congressman has finally found God, and put an end to a millennia-long game of hide and seek.

Asked to comment about his Earth-shaking discovery, Senator Coons had this to say:

“He was in the living room. Jesus Christ! He was in the living room! How could I have missed Him for so long?” Read the full story

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God Puts Global Warming on Hold for A Few Days


INDIANAPOLIS – As temperatures dropped Tuesday to a low of 39° F across the Midwest, God announced that global warming will be put on hold for a few days, while he just tests out a few things.

Eager to continue the mild fall-winter transition that Hoosiers saw in 2011, The Almighty said that residents in Indiana could expect to see no more than fourteen days of decreased temperatures, insisting that global warming will recommence in earnest on or around October 20. Read the full story

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God Quietly Blessing Other Nations


HEAVEN – According to celestial insiders and various mythical figures, His Lordship and Creator of All Things, Almighty God has been quietly blessing nations other than the United States of America.

Even though much of His time – which is widely believed to be infinite in length – is spent blessing the fifty states, it was reported that God has sought to anoint several other countries, with unconfirmed reports that Norway, Latvia and the small island of Tuvalu were recently delivered from evil. Read the full story

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God, Allah And Jehovah No Longer in Charge


God, Allah and Jehovah were walking along a heavenly path, arguing as usual.

“Your people are causing trouble again and again and again!” God scolded Allah.

“Well, if Mr. Jehovah didn’t insist on having the Jewish paradise in the middle of our land then things might be a lot more relaxed,” retorted Allah. Read the full story

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Pat Robertson Puts Hit on Manning


Pat Robertson put a cosmic bounty on quarterback Peyton Manning, damning him to be injured this season as retribution for the Denver Broncos getting rid of Tim Tebow. “Hey, The Saints had the same system. Never second-guess a saint,” said Robertson on the 700 Club last week. Read the full story

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Manning Joins Broncos, Tebow Converts to Paganism


DENVER, Colorado – “There is more than one God,” Tim Tebow said in awe after watching Peyton Manning complete yet another pass in practice. “There’s just no other explanation.”

The Broncos’ ex-quarterback, known less for his passing skills than for his prayer timeouts and his genuflections after any positive gain on offense, stood in astonishment as he watched the 4-time MVP award winner take his job away with casual throws to members of the practice squad. “God is not almighty,” Tebow explained, “He’s got nothing on Manning when They’re on the football field.” Read the full story

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Santorum gets suicidal over teleprompters


GOPTEA™ CAMPAIGN TRAIL —GlossyNews Listening to Rick Santorum speak is like listening to him arguing with himself. He keeps arguing and arguing until he realizes he has won. Then he smiles a cheshire cat smile of a grin, and makes a note of his win. Read the full story

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Residents of Heaven Complain about Lack of Freedom


Residents of a community somewhere in southern California are coming forward with serious allegations of discrimination, forced behavior, and restrictions on personal freedom.

Compared by its residents to ‘prison’ the community apparently forces them to wear white robes at all times and to sing hymns for the community’s dictatorial administrator. That’s not the worst of it though – residents are not allowed to leave the premises… ever! Read the full story

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Michele Bachmann Claims God Sometimes Tells Her to Say Stupid Things


Michele Bachmann appeared on CBS’s Face the Nation Sunday to cover her tracks yet again with the familiar line “Of course, that’s not what I meant to say. I was just trying to be funny.” Bachmann was trying to explain away some comments she made last month linking Hurricane Irene and the DC earthquake directly to God’s displeasure with America.

Bachmann is becoming known for her proselytizing on the campaign trail and admits it is becoming a bit of a problem.

“I know I should be able to tell when God is speaking directly through me and when he’s just trying to have a little fun,” said Bachmann. “But honestly, sometimes, as the words are coming out of my mouth I think ‘whoops, God’s pulling another fast one on me,’ but by then, it’s usually too late.”

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What if every Christian lived in a perfect Christian world?


To begin with, it would be nice initially because there would be no crime, no jealousy, hate, anger, poverty, starvation that you see all around the world… But then, each day would be just like the last — perfect.

This may sound like paradise to Christians, but it sounds very bland to me. With no challenges would I grow and develop as a person? If never faced with a problem to overcome, I know I would become complacent, even bored. Read the full story

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East Texas Town Succumbs to Old-Fashioned Steapl Chase


Raisin, TX-The East Texas town of Raisin has found itself in a predictable predicament culminating from the holier-than-thou atmosphere that often pervades small towns across the United States.

When you approach Raisin, a town of 2500 that sits in a dale along a two-lane highway, a gigantic weathered sign depicts an intimate close-up of a strikingly Aryan Jesus on what is arguably one of his worst days. Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, ReligionismComments (0)

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