Tag Archive | "god"

God Categorically Denies Telling Local Man to Shoot His Family


INDIANAPOLIS – Responding to recent allegations made by the perpetrator himself, His Lordship Almighty God categorically denied Saturday that he had convinced local man Wayne Calzone to murder his wife and two sons.

God’s emphatic response comes after 32-year-old Calzone made claims to officials at the Indianapolis Police Department that he was “carrying out the work of the Almighty, and that “God told me it was the right thing to do.” Read the full story

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Candidates Politicize God’s Subtle Climate Change “Reminder”


GlossyNews.com – “Look, I tried,” God grumbled, “Picked the most populated part of the country, some of the most contentious states in the election and altered both of their campaign routes, but did they listen? Noooo.”

In a last, desperate attempt to create some political discussion on climate change, God sent Halloween hurricane Sandy, which made landfall a week before Election Day. It flooded states, stopped mass transit systems, and at least 4 people didn’t get their mail on Monday. Read the full story

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Republicans Find God, Win Epic Game of Hide & Seek


Senator Chris Coons’ office has sent out a short brief detailing how the Congressman has finally found God, and put an end to a millennia-long game of hide and seek.

Asked to comment about his Earth-shaking discovery, Senator Coons had this to say:

“He was in the living room. Jesus Christ! He was in the living room! How could I have missed Him for so long?” Read the full story

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God Puts Global Warming on Hold for A Few Days


INDIANAPOLIS – As temperatures dropped Tuesday to a low of 39° F across the Midwest, God announced that global warming will be put on hold for a few days, while he just tests out a few things.

Eager to continue the mild fall-winter transition that Hoosiers saw in 2011, The Almighty said that residents in Indiana could expect to see no more than fourteen days of decreased temperatures, insisting that global warming will recommence in earnest on or around October 20. Read the full story

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God Quietly Blessing Other Nations


HEAVEN – According to celestial insiders and various mythical figures, His Lordship and Creator of All Things, Almighty God has been quietly blessing nations other than the United States of America.

Even though much of His time – which is widely believed to be infinite in length – is spent blessing the fifty states, it was reported that God has sought to anoint several other countries, with unconfirmed reports that Norway, Latvia and the small island of Tuvalu were recently delivered from evil. Read the full story

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God, Allah And Jehovah No Longer in Charge


God, Allah and Jehovah were walking along a heavenly path, arguing as usual.

“Your people are causing trouble again and again and again!” God scolded Allah.

“Well, if Mr. Jehovah didn’t insist on having the Jewish paradise in the middle of our land then things might be a lot more relaxed,” retorted Allah. Read the full story

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Posted in ReligionismComments (10)

Pat Robertson Puts Hit on Manning


Pat Robertson put a cosmic bounty on quarterback Peyton Manning, damning him to be injured this season as retribution for the Denver Broncos getting rid of Tim Tebow. “Hey, The Saints had the same system. Never second-guess a saint,” said Robertson on the 700 Club last week. Read the full story

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Manning Joins Broncos, Tebow Converts to Paganism


DENVER, Colorado – “There is more than one God,” Tim Tebow said in awe after watching Peyton Manning complete yet another pass in practice. “There’s just no other explanation.”

The Broncos’ ex-quarterback, known less for his passing skills than for his prayer timeouts and his genuflections after any positive gain on offense, stood in astonishment as he watched the 4-time MVP award winner take his job away with casual throws to members of the practice squad. “God is not almighty,” Tebow explained, “He’s got nothing on Manning when They’re on the football field.” Read the full story

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Santorum gets suicidal over teleprompters


GOPTEA™ CAMPAIGN TRAIL —GlossyNews Listening to Rick Santorum speak is like listening to him arguing with himself. He keeps arguing and arguing until he realizes he has won. Then he smiles a cheshire cat smile of a grin, and makes a note of his win. Read the full story

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Residents of Heaven Complain about Lack of Freedom


Residents of a community somewhere in southern California are coming forward with serious allegations of discrimination, forced behavior, and restrictions on personal freedom.

Compared by its residents to ‘prison’ the community apparently forces them to wear white robes at all times and to sing hymns for the community’s dictatorial administrator. That’s not the worst of it though – residents are not allowed to leave the premises… ever! Read the full story

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Michele Bachmann Claims God Sometimes Tells Her to Say Stupid Things


Michele Bachmann appeared on CBS’s Face the Nation Sunday to cover her tracks yet again with the familiar line “Of course, that’s not what I meant to say. I was just trying to be funny.” Bachmann was trying to explain away some comments she made last month linking Hurricane Irene and the DC earthquake directly to God’s displeasure with America.

Bachmann is becoming known for her proselytizing on the campaign trail and admits it is becoming a bit of a problem.

“I know I should be able to tell when God is speaking directly through me and when he’s just trying to have a little fun,” said Bachmann. “But honestly, sometimes, as the words are coming out of my mouth I think ‘whoops, God’s pulling another fast one on me,’ but by then, it’s usually too late.”

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What if every Christian lived in a perfect Christian world?


To begin with, it would be nice initially because there would be no crime, no jealousy, hate, anger, poverty, starvation that you see all around the world… But then, each day would be just like the last — perfect.

This may sound like paradise to Christians, but it sounds very bland to me. With no challenges would I grow and develop as a person? If never faced with a problem to overcome, I know I would become complacent, even bored. Read the full story

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East Texas Town Succumbs to Old-Fashioned Steapl Chase


Raisin, TX-The East Texas town of Raisin has found itself in a predictable predicament culminating from the holier-than-thou atmosphere that often pervades small towns across the United States.

When you approach Raisin, a town of 2500 that sits in a dale along a two-lane highway, a gigantic weathered sign depicts an intimate close-up of a strikingly Aryan Jesus on what is arguably one of his worst days. Read the full story

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God Confirms Intervention in Florida School Board Shooting


Panama City, FL. (GlossyNews.com) – School superintendent Bill Husfelt, who survived a gunman’s vendetta during a board meeting on Tuesday, claims God protected him when suspect Clay Duke opened fire on him and his colleagues. “God was standing in front of me, and I’ll go to my grave believing that”, he was quoted as saying.

Fortunately for Mr. Husfelt, he won’t have to wait until he’s six feet under to find out, as the Supreme Being sent out a divine press release today confirming that He did, in fact, intervene on the board member’s behalf. Read the full story

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Posted in Crime, ReligionismComments (1)

Recession Success of Walmart, McDonalds Proves God “Kind of a Jerk”


As a sign of His contempt for mankind and its ways, God has played the biggest practical joke of all time by allowing the worst exploiters of the economy and the human work force to be the only ones making a profit in the present recession.

Both Walmart and McDonald’s have had huge profits while the rest of the economy has floundered. The masses of people, fearing layoffs, foreclosures and looming poverty have been flocking to the renowned cheap mass market outlets to save their dwindling cash reserves. Read the full story

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Westboro Baptist Sues God Claiming He “Doesn’t Really Mind Fags”


Washington, DC (GlossyNews.com): The Westboro Baptist Church, the controversial religious sect best known for protesting the funerals of slain war veterans and their “God Hates Fags” protest signs, announced a startling lawsuit against God in Federal District Court today.

According to Court documents, the Westboro Baptists are seeking “unspecified damages” against “The Lord God, Almighty,” for breach of contract under the terms of US Code Title 25, Section 3116. Read the full story

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