Tag Archive | "fiscal cliff"

Obama, You Sold Me (and all lefties) Out


Hey Barry, hi, how are you? Good, good, glad to hear it. Hey listen, that whole debate you did last week with those dastardly Republicans? Yeah, you totally sold us out. Just had to say it.

Us progressives have been waiting for the ‘angry black man’ to come out, but we’ve been sadly disappointed. The right keeps insisting that they see him, but you could expand gun rights in national parks, and they’d still say you’re coming for their guns. Read the full story

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Americans, Driven Mad By Politics, Jump Like Lemmings Over the Fiscal Cliff


Driven to the brink of their sanity by the constant warnings from politicians over what would happen if we went over the fiscal cliff thousands of Americans have gone ahead and jumped over the brink of the fiscal cliff on their own.

Still reeling from a long, difficult election year, they had just begun to recover from campaign shock only to almost immediately be whapped with the threat of economic disaster. Read the full story

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Palin Proposes Bridge Over Fiscal Cliff


Political pundit and former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin held a press conference this morning to propose the construction of a bridge “assuring Americans safe passage over the fiscal cliff”.

“I’m tired of Washington insiders debating the dangers of this cliff and then not doing anything about it. The American people deserved better than a Willie Coyote scenario.” Palin stated, referencing her favorite cartoon character’s well documented battles with gravity. Read the full story

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Fiscal Cliff Progress: Obama, Boehner Agree 16,375,434,000,001 “a Real Number”


As President Barack Obama and House Majority Leader John Boehner continue “fiscal cliff” negotiations, preliminary reports say that despite the inability of the human brain to conceptualize 16 trillion units of anything, both men have agreed to pretend that’s how much debt the U.S. has incurred.

The news comes as a relief to many Americans who have been worrying that division along party lines is preventing any real resolution to the country’s economic woes. Read the full story

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Boehner and Obama Vow to Fall Off Fiscal Cliff Together


As fiscal cliff negotiations stalled, Republican House Speaker John Boehner and Democratic President Barack Obama romantically declared that they would tumble over the fiscal cliff together “arm in arm”.

“I truly love that man”, Boehner said in reference to Obama. “I would gladly sacrifice myself and my political future for him”.

Obama was equally smitten with the Ohio congressman. “John and I have been through some tough times. But our love for each other has sustained us until now” Obama said as he glanced at a vase full of red roses provided by his former rival.

The two politicians seemed to constantly be at odds with each other and their romantic relationship caught many by surprise.

“I always thought Boehner was just some douche bag republican”, said New York sanitation worker Peter Gibbs. “Now I find out he’s got a soft, romantic heart!”

“I looked at Obama as being a real jerk”, said Mississippi stockbroker Jules Crabtree. “Now I think he’s a decent human being”.

Both Boehner and Obama said the fiscal cliff is not about the American people anymore but about two people’s undying love for each other.

“After we both go off the fiscal cliff America will be much better off”, a teary eyed Obama stated.

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Fiscal Cliff More Popular than Niagara Falls


It’s official. The Fiscal Cliff has overtaken Niagara Falls as America’s favorite tourist destination.

District of Columbia Mayor Vincent Gray was delighted to announce that his city is home to the newest Washington attraction.

“Given that we’ve got all those monuments and the Smithsonian,” said Gray. “It’s a thrill to see so many people lining up to look over the Fiscal Cliff.” Read the full story

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Girl Scouts Rappel Off the Fiscal Cliff for IKEA


DENVER–One hundred girls celebrated the one hundredth anniversary of the Girl Scouts today by dangling off the fiscal cliff.

All participants wore safety gear while standing on the rungs of a mile-long rope ladder lashed together by scouts rocking the National Election Day Jamboree.

“Some politicians believe going off the fiscal cliff won’t damage the economy,” offered a Scout leader. “We’re here to show one loose knot and it’s all over.” A collective scream stopped her short. “Oh look. It’s happening now! Wave, girls! Our founder, Juliette Gordon Lowe would be so proud!” Read the full story

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Posted in Human InterestComments (4)

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