Federal Reserve: “We Can Print Dollars Forever”

WASHINGTON – Federal Reserve chair Janet Yellen yesterday affirmed her confidence that the Federal Reserve Bank can “print dollars forever.”

Yellen stated at the National Press Club: “The Federal Reserve can expand its balance sheet indefinitely. We are prepared to inject as much liquidity into the world economy as is necessary to preserve our American way of life.”

“Basically, unlike all previous fiat-based currencies in human history, the Fed is unique. We can print dollars forever.”

Yellen asserted, “The rest of the world will just have to accept it and continue to produce actual goods and services in exchange for our indispensable US dollar, without which it remains virtually impossible to conduct international trade, especially to purchase oil.”

Yes. That is an actual pallet full of uncut $100 bill sheets.
Yes. That is an actual pallet full of uncut $100 bill sheets.
“Personally, I can’t see any reason we would ever be forced to discontinue quantitative easing. After two years of QE, also spanning back to my predecessor Mr. Bernanke’s term, quantitative easing no longer feels like an extraordinary fiscal measure to us. It now feels more like part of the Fed’s glorious tradition. One more weapon in our arsenal in our war on the unemployed–I mean the unemployable, I mean on unemployment, of course.”

Yellen went on to say that it really wasn’t difficult to expand the U.S. money supply.

“It’s not rocket science. It’s not really more difficult than adding more zeros on a computer,” Yellen explained. “We are engaged in a titanic struggle against deflation in which all options are on the table. Printing more U.S. dollars out of thin air is the only hope for the world economy.”

“Of course, even after injecting several oceans of liquidity into the system, it remains possible for us to mop up the so-called excess liquidity at a later date. If we feel like it, which I doubt we ever will.”

Stock exchanges around the world rallied on the news of Yellen’s statements.

Author: Dan Geddes

Dan Geddes is the author of The Satirist: America's Most Critical Book and the editor of the online journal The Satirist: America's Most Critical Journal (TheSatirist.com), an astonishing collection of satires, reviews, reviews of imaginary works, fiction, essays, poems, and satirical news. He lives in Amsterdam.

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