Tag Archive | "equality"

“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Left-handers suing Major League Baseball


Announcer: Equal treatment for all Americans is a fundamental principle of our Constitution. Baseball is supposed to be as American as apple pie. Serious questions have been raised about baseball’s fairness by the National Organization for Perfect Equality (NOPE). “Yucky World” talk show hosts Dick and Janey will be discussing this with NOPE spokesperson Lefty Wrightkowitz.

Janey: NOPE recently filed a class-action lawsuit against Major League Baseball for discriminating against left-handers.

Dick: Would you please explain your suit to our audience, Mr. Wrightkowitz?

Wrightkowitz: You can call me Lefty, Dick.

Dick: Alrighty, Lefty! Yuck! Yuck!

Janey: Now how did I know you were going to say that?

Dick: Extra-sensory perception?

Janey: Well, I guess smelling is a perception. What are the grounds for your case, Lefty?

Lefty: We’re suing baseball for the systematic exclusion of left-handed throwers from the positions of third base, shortstop, second base, and catcher. This is blatant discrimination and must not be allowed to continue.

Dick: Boy, it sounds like you’ve got a real good case there, Lefty.

Janey: I’m not so sure. It’s done because of the baseball diamond. You have to be able to throw right-handed to get the ball to first base the fastest.

Lefty: True, but that’s because the right-handers who started baseball set the game up backwards.

Dick: Backwards?

Lefty: How come you don’t run the bases clockwise? You deal cards clockwise. If you did run clockwise, you’d have to have left-handers at all these positions.

Janey: Yeah, but horses and greyhounds run counter-clockwise.

Lefty: They can’t tell time.

Dick: I once saw Trigger tell time with his paw.

Janey: That’s hoof, Dick.

Dick: Whatever.

Janey: So what do you want the courts to do, Lefty?

Lefty: We simply want equal justice. We want baseball to be played clockwise for the next 100 years to even out the past injustices. After that, they can switch first base with third base every other year.

Janey: I guess my great-great-grandson had better learn to be ambidextrous if he wants to play baseball.

Dick: Gee, Janey. Maybe they’ll find a cure for that before then.

Janey: Cure for what?

Dick: That disease, ambidextrous.

Janey: Dick, are you always out to lunch?

Dick: Only when I have a hot dog at the ballpark. By the way, Lefty, as a left-hander, I’ve got a pet peeve of my own.

Lefty: What’s that?

Dick: Toilet paper! What are we going to do about toilet paper?

Janey: Huh?

Dick: You know, toilet paper in public restrooms, it’s usually on the side for right-handers.

Lefty: We’ll get working on that right away, Dick.

Dick: Great! Then I won’t have to carry my own paper anymore!!

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Boy Scouts Allow Gays, Ban Hetero Troop Leaders


IRVING, TEXAS — In a surprise move yesterday, the Boy Scouts of America announced plans not only to accept homosexual troop leaders, but furthermore to ban heterosexuals from all leadership positions.

RIGHT: Founding Scout Master Freddy “Flip” Antouchyerson. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

In a statement released this morning, BSA Spokes-scout Scruff McDougal said of the policy change, “It was a difficult decision indeed. Just because the Pentagon and other leaders of the U.S. Armed Forces decided to let ‘the gays’ do battle on the front lines of horrific and deadly warfare against some of the most vicious warriors and savage, dogmatic killers in the worst, most unforgiving hell-scapes this planet has to offer, well, that doesn’t mean they’re ready to be scouts. As you can imagine, we really had to think this through. At the end of the day, though, we decided to let them try.” Read the full story

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Posted in SocietyComments (2)

Morons Protest Lack of Equality


Local news is reporting that traffic has been shut down in Washington, D.C. after a new protest movement took to the streets to demand equality legislation for morons.

The massive throng of over 1 million morons arrived on Constitution Avenue just after 7am and began screaming at the National Museum of Art in hopes that their rights would be recognized.

Some protesters wore t-shirts reading “I’m a moron—get over it,” while others chewed furiously on rectal thermometers and faced reporters to explain the movement’s goals. Read the full story

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Posted in Strange PeopleComments (1)

Researchers Unlock Key to Happy Marriage: Let Wives Do Housework


Hard to believe? Then maybe you’ll believe a study which concluded that marriages where the women do all the housework while the men retreat to the parlor to smoke cigars, read the newspaper and discuss politics with other men in top hats are happier.

Technically, that study was based on focus groups of landed gentry horse farm owners in Greenwich, CT in 1879. But now a brand new study appears to validate those previous findings. Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, SocietyComments (2)

Study Says a Dark Day in America – Blacks Are Getting Happier


BLACKSBURG, VA – A newly released study reveals potentially upsetting news for millions of white Americans. According to the longitudinal study, the conclusions are shocking: Black Americans are getting happier – much happier.

The study by the University of Pennsylvania, tracking the “happiness gap” between black and white Americans since the 1970s, reports that the gap has dramatically narrowed in recent years to the narrowest margin since the study’s beginnings. Fortunately for white Americans, they are, on average, still happier than their black counterparts – but not by much anymore. Read the full story

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True Love, Romance or Just Plain Sex… What’s It All Mean?


Although “falling in love” is probably the most wonderful feeling in the world and the most mysterious state of mind one can find him/herself within, science tells us that “falling in love” is very transient and not the answer to most of a person’s problems. There is no “happily-ever-after” fairy-tales in real life, say the social scientists who study this phenomenon. The (informal) definition of “true love” in Western Societies really only refers to one thing: strong and passionate feeling that consumes both partners in “a strong romantic (or sexual), mutual feeling,” which is scientifically and empirically short-lived. Read the full story

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