Tag Archive | "election"

GOP Considers Rebranding as “Social Tea Party”


Des Moines, IA —GLOSSY NEWS With 2011 barely into its 4th month, House Tea Party Caucus leader Michele Bachmann whipped her Iowa audience into a frenzy over light bulbs, gay marriage and abortion with her stump “Social Conservatism is Physical Conservatism” keynote address.

She finished by advocating giving the GOP a new name and then said it must become the Social Tea Party. The name change was unanimously ratified by the 130 Iowans who paid to attend, thus trashing forever the old time party names, Republican and GOP. Read the full story

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New Obama Program Pays You to Burn Down Your House


Asheville, North Carolina (GlossyNews) — The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

In his latest bid to pump up the economy before the 2012 election, President Obama introduced a new program, “Bucks for Burn Downs,” that will pay financially troubled homeowners to burn down their own homes. Read the full story

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McCain To Run For President in 2044


Burning Candles, Arizona (GlossyNews) — The poop on politics from Norbert B. Snortwhistle.

Former GOP presidential candidate John McCain will launch another bid for the White House in 2044, and is “firmly committed to running a vigorous, full-steam ahead” campaign. Read the full story

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Tennessee’s Jackass Race Still Too Close to Call


Insiders have always watched Tennessee elections closely. The reasons for this scrutiny are varied. Partly, it’s the famous axiom ‘As Tennessee goes, so goes Kentucky usually.’ More than that though, the Volunteer state has always provided America with a cornucopia of self-serving, condescending twits.

From Lamar Alexander to Al Gore, it’s statistically undeniable that the next brain numbingly boring person to seize the national spotlight will hail from the rocks and hills of Tennessee. So it’s understandable that in tumultuous 2010, all eyes turn to the state’s gubernatorial contest. Read the full story

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GOP Announces “No Millionaire Left Behind” Tax Reform


PARK PLACE HOTEL, NY (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. In the latest Congressional wrangling over tax policy, Republicans proposed sweeping new reforms, dubbed “No Millionaire Left Behind,” that would permanently slash taxes for the wealthiest Americans.

“The American people would rather starve than see our most successful citizens hit by higher taxes,’” said GOP House leader John Boehner. “And my proposal takes an important step in that direction.” Read the full story

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Labor Dept’s Latest Report Shows Stimulus Created a Job


Hope Springs, Maryland (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. In a triumphant moment for President Obama, the Labor Department’s newest monthly report showed that despite lingering high unemployment, the President’s stimulus program almost certainly created a job last month.

The President announced the Labor Department’s findings at a news event held in the suburban back yard of an unemployed Democratic fundraising consultant. Read the full story

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GOP Pledges Rich Can Get Richer, Sick Can Die Broke


Wornolde Points, Ohio (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. News organizations around the world are analyzing the political, economic and policy implications of the recently released GOP “Pledge to America.” But the story doesn’t end there.

In an exclusive interview from his favorite tanning salon, GOP House leader John Boehner revealed ten additional promises in the Pledge to America that “didn’t make the first cut, but make a lot of sense.” Read the full story

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Tea Party Slams “Elitist” D.C. Table Manners


Twin Dorks, NV (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with norbert b. snortwhistle. In a blistering attack on the “political elitism that is destroying America” Nevada Senate candidate and Tea Party favorite Sharron Angle slammed the “fancy table manners in Washington” as she ramped up her campaign against incumbent Democrat Harry Reid. Read the full story

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Obama’s Corndog Fiasco Equals Woe for Midwest Democrats


Hogs Butte, IA (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. In a giant miscue that could cost Democrats even more Congressional seats this November, President Obama revealed he is “no big fan” of corn dogs, a favored food in the Midwest.

“I eat a lot of chili burgers back in D.C.” the President said at a fundraiser near Des Moines. “But corn dogs, no thanks.” Read the full story

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Pelosi Debunks “Free Healthcare for Pets” by Affirming It


Botox Village, CA (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. Speaking to a group of her firmest supporters, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi vowed Democrats will introduce sweeping legislation guaranteeing free health care for all pets. While this was once viewed as a “wedge myth,” it seems the soon-to-be-ousted Speaker of the House has no qualms about settling the score once and for all. Read the full story

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McMahon Wants to Wrestle for Senate Seat


Half Nelson Bay, CT (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. Republican Linda McMahon challenged Democrat Richard Blumenthal to wrestle her for the Connecticut Senate seat rather than wait for the outcome of the November election.

McMahon, a former World Wrestling Federation executive and wrestler, left no doubt she believed she could defeat Blumenthal. “He’s got a big mouth out here, but let’s see how he does in the ring,” McMahon told her cheering supporters. “I’ll put his policy positions where the sun don’t shine.” Read the full story

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Palin Declares War on China


Bouffant Falls, AR (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with norbert b. snortwhistle. (Glossy News) – Presumed 2012 GOP presidential primary entrant Sarah Palin declared war on China today, though she admitted she wasn’t certain “it can be allowed” from an undeclared political candidate.

“I can see Russia from my front window,” Palin shouted to a cheering Tea Party crowd, many of them wearing surplus army helmets and waving chopsticks. “I sure don’t want China up my chimney, and neither do the American people!” Read the full story

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Boehner Promises Nothing From GOP


Orange, OH (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with norbert b. snortwhistle.

House leader John Boehner vowed that if the GOP captures control of Congress this November, it will do “absolutely nothing for as long as necessary.”

Speaking to an association of tanning salon owners, Boehner candidly unveiled his party’s legislative strategy for 2011 and perhaps beyond. “Republicans strongly believe government cannot achieve much of value,” Boehner said. “And if we are successful this November, we will prove it.” Read the full story

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Anti-Washington Sentiment Rampant in Washington


WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) – In a relentless and seemingly oxymoronic trend, more and more politicians are campaigning – successfully – on a platform of distrust of government officials. Various party primaries held in several states have shown a tendency for voters to respond enthusiastically to propaganda that portrays all politicians as soulless, parasitic hellspawn who want nothing more than to violate the rights and compromise the safety of the American people in general. Read the full story

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McCain’s Centerfold Will Pistol Whip the Competition


PHOENIX, AZ — Former Faux-Con presidential candidate and current Senator John McCain is running scared in his home state these days against a teabagger-type radio talkshow host who boasts of his plans to put Senator McCain down!

“Nothin’ doin’! This guy ain’t gonna take MY Senate seat away from me,” said a disgruntled McCain at a press conference today. “I’m bringin’ in the big guns here. Scott and Sarah. It’s high noon! The two top vote getters in the whole country are comin’ in to help get me — yes, me, re-elected.” Read the full story

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Congress Proposes Replacing 2010 Election w/ “Psychic Estimate” Index


hWashington, DC (GlossyNews): House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, met with the press and Congressional leaders today to discuss replacing the 2010 mid-term election cycle with a “psychic estimate” of the voters’ true intent.

“There are just so many distractions and inherent inequalities in the current electoral process, we have to seriously question whether a fair electron is even possible,” Pelosi stated. Read the full story

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